Dekalaug 1: The First Ten Podcasts

by Young Southpaw

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Welcome to this third installment of The Young Southpaw Part Of An Hour. I hope you meditated on my koan from last time, you know. The water implied in that Melissa Etheridge song was of course, you know the Moon. You know, by the light of the Moon that she’s singin’ like that. All full of feelin’ and stuff. You know, the Moon controls the tides so Boom, there ya go... Well there I was you know... Wait, now what did I wanna talk about now? Oh yeah, another water song... You know that one by TH, TLC... what was I thinkin’ of? ‘Don’t Go Chasin’ Waterfalls’? Well I mean I love TLC, you know. Saw em live at the Boston Garden, back right after a snowstorm. Snow was piled real high outside the cars. Well not that high, ‘pretty’ high, you know it was January. But one time I was in Boston - I wasn’t livin’ there anymore - went up to visit after the blizzard of 2013 and the snow was piled over the cars. It was 7 feet tall, it was insane. The snow coulda played for the Celtics, you know like that band Celtic Frost. Then there’d be the issue though of the way you pronounce the ‘C’ - hard or soft - like tacos you know. And then maybe an issue about Celtic Frost being a Canadian metal band and not technically in the National Basketball Association. Now wait just a second, Celtic Frost were Swiss, I’m thinkin’ of Voivod. They’re from Canada, you know like the Expos and Toronto Blue Jays. But those are baseball teams not basketball, but you just add a K and a T to baseball and voila, as they say in the French speakin’ parts. That’s a hard K like in Celtic Frost and not like Boston Celtics. But you know all that snow kinda relates to the song I wanna talk about... because... if the snow starts meltin’ real fast we would be getting’ some waterfalls, you know... But my problem is - and again don’t get me wrong - nothin’ against THC, but ‘don’t go chasin’ waterfalls’ I mean, ya know... Waterfalls don’t move, you know. It’s always in the same exact geographical location. I mean the water moves. I mean if it said don’t go chasin’ the water in waterfalls, you know. It would kinda make sense. But I mean don’t go chasin’ water anywhere. I mean the water’s fallin’ but it’s still movin’ like it’s in a river or something, you know. I mean Stone Roses had that song ‘Waterfall’, that was real good, you know, I love that first Stone Roses album... But uh you know, uh, I just don’t understand. That song, the THC one, was a huge hit. But it’s not gonna scan if you say ‘don’t go chasin’ the water in waterfalls’ cause you repeat water, sayin’ it twice, you know. That’s kinda redundant, not an oxymoron like, like I said it wasn’t in that first episode. Anyway I remember seein’ them at the Boston Garden, this was in January, then when my birthday rolled around in April I had my birthday cd shopping list and I had, well I think I had T Boz’s solo record on there. Already owned that crazy CrazySexyCool album, and you know what? I even had the Ain’t Too Proud To Beg cassingle cassette when it came out, you know, two spools one tape little cardboard box, heck of a long thing to name a product... But you know, I had that album on my birthday shopping list and I went to my birthday party and someone saw it and they were joshin’ me about it and I stood up and just said ‘I love THC’... But I didn’t have as much of a problem with the Waterfalls song then as I do now. Now that I’ve had decades to reflect on it. You know years go by, flowin’ like the sands of time, like the water in a waterfall...like the liquid in a waterfall. That’d be an even worse song title - don’t go chasin’ the liquid in waterfalls. Might get confusin’. I mean people dump their, well people pee in water. That’s inappropriate to have a pop song on the radio like that... Except first time I was ever in Sweden... you know, we were sittin’ at some café listenin’ to the P3 POP radio show. Turned it on, wanted to hear that rock stone ‘cherry vanilla’ single and you know, first song we done gone hear is ‘pissing on the panda’...which blew my mind, still blows my mind, I mean that’s hilarious... But anyway, you know, people it’s, you say liquid that’s a bit too vague cause you know people gonna be dumpin’ some beer, throwin their empties in with liquid. The water could go in the hole at the top of the can you know where you press that thing it opens and you drink the beer out of it. Throw it away there’s prolly a little bit a beer left in it... People be...people be...throwing that in the water, you know. It mixes in with the water, will flow with the waterfall, same thing you throw a rum bottle or a vodka bottle or a whisky bottle a gin bottle a champagne bottle a red wine bottle a white wine bottle a rosé wine bottle...a jenever bottle a Cointreau bottle an Armagnac bottle a cognac bottle a sake bottle a snake wine bottle - do they even have snake wine bottles? But uh, I think you get the point... And I’m sayin’ the liquid will mix in and then come out or maybe the whole bottle, you know the cichasa bottle the slivowitz bottle the lambiek bottle, the bourbon bottle – double B! – the Kirschwasser bottle the ouzo bottle the tequila bottle the poteen bottle the absinthe bottle the brandy bottle – another double B! quadroop! – the Old Krupnik bottle the Mad Dog bottle the Nighttrain bottle – GNR you know... Maybe the whole bottle just goes flowin over the waterfall. Don’t go chasin’ that, it’s litter it’s already been thrown out, why’d you chase it?... Unless you wanna recycle it like some eco warrior...I mean that’s...laudable... But you know why don’t you just wait at the bottom of the waterfall like with some giant net you know like the one Van Halen didn’t have on their live video video tape. You know VHS, you’ve got the Van Halen initials right in there, I’ve said it before you know with Sammy, it’s actually Van Hagar, let’s be honest, but initials stay the same... But when he first joined the band they had Live Without A Net recorded live in New Haven, CT... they opened with a Sammy Hagar song, There’s Only One Way To Rock and they’re runnin around, Eddie just smilin’, Sammy’s playin’ guitar on a few songs. They covered Led Zeppelin’s Rock N Roll you know ‘been a long time’ etc. It was real excitin’, wish I had seen that show... I never saw em with Hagar, I never saw em with Roth back in the day but my very first concert was Roth’s Eat Em And Smile tour Cinderella opening. They had that Night Songs you know, stage all dark and purple, you know what Cinderella song I always liked was that Shelter Me from the third album... But that’d be weird if they opened for Dave and Van Hagar, that never happened, I wonder if there was any band that ever did... I mean it’d be weird but prolly not that important in the brief history a time as Stephen Hawking might say, you know... I mean, I wonder if he ever saw Van Halen. I mean he must’ve, to be a genius like that I think you must be touched by the hand of ‘Fair Warning’... I don’t know, I’m not Stephen Hawking... ...But maybe he knows about snake wine. I mean I’m sure it’s in a bottle, have to be to ferment... Unless you do it in a bathtub and then once it’s ready people just come like pigs to a trough and lap it up. I guess you can tell I’ve never had snake wine before, never even seen it in the movies... Or maybe I have, I can’t remember every single scene a every single movie I’ve even seen. I coulda got up to use the facilities come back and when I asked what’d I miss no one wanted to tell me there were a bunch a people hovering and slurping over a bathtub full a fermented dead snakes... Or maybe they use straws. If they were real long straws it’d be a whole lot more civilized... And speakin’ a civilized you’d think they woulda changed the name of iceberg lettuce after the Titanic happened... I mean I guess farmers can be insensitive just like anyone else... Or maybe the farmers don’t care and it’s the agricultural marketing people... And I guess agricultural marketing people can be insensitive just like anyone else... I mean they prolly don’t mean to be insensitive... Now I gotta go look see if there are any books detailing the long sordid history of the name of iceberg lettuce... But then again you woulda thought they woulda changed the name of the movie Titanic after the Titanic happened... But those Hollywood people I guess, well, they’re not just like anyone else but insensitivity knows no bounds. And who knows where the line between agricultural marketing and blockbuster films begins and ends... I surely don’t. If it hasn’t kept me awake at night before it sure may well do now... Not to end this on a sour note and I don’t mean to be distressin’ y’all... Go listen to some TLC, that Boston Garden show was real good... So until next week, have yourselves a fine one
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So today I’d like to, like to talk about the album titles of Mr. Jon Bon Jovi. Or the band Bon Jovi, of which Mr. Jon Bon Jovi is, well, an integral part I would say. Named after him. Unless he named the band after one of his ancestors also named Bon Jovi. Maybe, you never know. You really never know. I mean you could ask him but I have no way to contact the man. And you know, time is a flowin’ like all those waterfalls. Not over the edge hopefully. Just flowin’ on, ridin’ on as that mellow AC/DC song goes. But I mean I do get confused. I didn’t get too confused, but enough confused you know. I’m sure you can get confused by any bands album titles once you think of them for a very long time. Or even a few minutes as the case may be. I mean Public Image Ltd. is probably the only band that’s ever had an honest album title, you know. With Album, Cassette, or Compact Disc...whatever format you had it on. You know the one with Steve Vai, 1986, year of the Fire Tiger, you know, Joan Rivers all that. Well it just hit me, Steve Vai went from working with John Lydon to DLR in the course of a year. From punk rock to Roth rock as they say. And Album and Eat Em And Smile came out in the same year. That just blew my mind... But yeah I mean what I wanted to talk about is - well gimme a minute to get over this whole album Eat Em And Smile thing... Ok well then, let’s go. This one also came out in 1986. I’m talking about Slippery When Wet of course. I mean I get what they’re sayin’, believe me...I get it. It’s uh, it’s innuendo. But it’s also something you’d say about a road, you know, and I don’t think anybody named Rhodes played on that album. Imagine if Nick Rhodes and Randy Rhoads played on Slippery When Wet. And Cynthia Rhodes was the singer. I mean she was a singer, maybe still is, I don’t know. Be good to find out. Again I don’t have any way to contact her. But you know Dirty Dancin’ Flashdance coulda been called Dirty...Flash...vocals... But they weren’t called that. You know, those were not the names of those films. But it woulda been a wildly different sounding record if Slippery When Wet had been made like that. Heck, maybe even my favourite record of all time. But once I started to think about it, it just started to bug me out, you know? Got my mind all bug buggin’ as they say, as I’ve said before. When something gets my mind all...bug buggin’, you know. But Slippery When Wet’s the big one outta all his confusing albums. I mean, I just don’t understand. And it’s on the front cover like that, is it some sorta warning? I mean who...who gets their records wet? They won’t play. Precisely because they’ll be slippery. It seems like common sense. I mean the jacket all damaged, you know. I suppose I mean maybe there was an epidemic in America at the time or maybe they heard it someplace else around the world, people just dippin’ their, takin their records with them in the bathtub. I mean I know I love Van Halen’s 1984 but even I could...afford to...put it down for a little while while I took a nice soak..you know? And then you got New Jersey, I mean that’s confus- I mean I get it. They’re from New Jersey, but then forever on after once people say they’re going to New Jersey they could just be talkin about going to listen to that Bon Jovi record. I think that’s my favorite one, it’s got Born To Be My Baby - Na Na etc you know. Not like that My Chemical Romance song – you know that crazy My Chemical Romance band, also from New Jersey I might add - but they had that song Na Na Na...and then a whole bunch more Na’s in parentheses, you know... From their Danger Days album – Double D! Well not like that comic by Steve Horry and Eddie Argos, but speakin of comics you got Grant Morrison in the video for Na Na Na etc. with all the Na’s. Well I think Bon Jovi says Na 11 times in each phrase and MCR has like 13 goin on, you know like that Blur album 13 and Teenage Fanclub had an album called 13 as well and I don’t remember any comparisons between the two in the music press at the time. And then Fugazi had that 13 Songs but that was really a compilation of the first two releases. And listening recently to Margin Walker, that second half of the 13 Songs, might very well be my favorite Fugazi album. Though I am fond of Repeater too. Not Repeater 2 that doesn’t exist, but Repeater also. And the funny thing is Glue Man is probably my favourite Fugazi song and it is the glue that holds together the two previous releases that make up 13 Songs. But I think that Teenage Fanclub album is also named 13 because it has 13 songs on it and I would love to hear Teenage Fanclub and that crazy Fugari band cover each other’s 13 albums. Then Bruce Springsteen’s got that Nebraska album you know, and he’s from New Jersey too! That’s utterly confusing as well. Was like ol Jon Bon tryin to set things right? Maybe they shoulda done a concept album dealin with all that. But then again we wouldn’t have had I’ll Be There For You, you know. And that one’s got that line ‘these five words I swear to you’. Well if you look close enough - well any way you look at it really - you’ll notice Born To Be My Baby is also 5 words. Hmmm? Well, you know... A lotta B’s in that title as well. 3 if you again look closely. But then you got Bad Medicine too. It’s like a plethora of b’s, a bee hive if you will. Some won’t. I do not know currently if I do. But you got ‘bad’ again like ‘you give love a bad name’ from the previous album, you know the bathtub one. And bathtub the word begins and ends with a B. And then you got, goin back in time to before the bathtub one, you got that crazy Fahrenheit one. I mean that’s, that’s inconceivable as to how much, how hot that would be. 7800 degrees it is, let’s be precise. And you’ll notice it’s a number evenly divided by 13, make of that what you will. But 7800 degrees Fahrenheit, the vinyl would melt, forget Slippery When Wet, you’d have to put it in the bathtub just to cool things down. And what if some kid thinks that’s the temperature you have to put in on the record player at. Remember this was 1985, cds weren’t, well cds would melt too! I mean the kid’s thinkin you gotta put this on at 7800 degrees Fahrenheit, well you couldn’t even get close enough to the record player. And then you had that first one with Runaway, you know.. And that was a film with Tom Selleck and Gene Simmons and Cynthia Rhodes who you know I’m a big fan of. You know, Flashdance and Dirty Dancin’, I don’t remember her dancing in Runaway but I remember that was a big deal cause Gene Simmons didn’t have his make-up on, you know. And then Bon Jovi became an actor later on so there ya go. Both that Jovi album and the film were released in 1984, you know the year of Van Halen, but I don’t think either had anything to do with each other. But imagine if Cynthia Rhodes had been in the Hot For Teacher video. I mean how awesome would that have been?! And then you got the Young Guns soundtrack or Young Guns II the number two not also but I guess you could use also or too as also if you were conversing about both films in the same sentence like I did but I didn’t mean it. And you got Blaze a Glory ‘shot down’ etc. you know. And then I lost track so I had to look this up on Wikipedia just to see if maybe their record titles started making more sense. But they didn’t need to make any more sense, it’s strange cause you figure once you establish yourself you can just do these crazy art installation album titles, you know. Livin’ On A Prayer, I mean prayers don’t have any physical substance to them. Unless he meant prairie all along. I mean they just confuse the heck outta me, but I ain’t never seen em. Maybe their live show is some sort of elaborate play that explains all this. That’d be cool, you know like maybe written by Ionescu you know, the Rumanian playright, The Rhinoceros, you know. Did you see that Gene Wilder film with Zero Mostel? I started watchin it earlier this year, I really wanna finish it. I was a bit tired that night but I dug the music and the mise en scene as-they-say-in...Paris, and all a France prolly, the whole French speakin’ world. And well even if you’re not in the French speakin’ world and people are still speakin’ French they could say it there too, you know. I mean why not? Back in Boston there used to be this great bookstore called Avenue Victor Hugo. Not there anymore RIP. But I bought J.P. Donleavy’s Schultz there, first edition, orange cover, one of my favourite novels of all time. It was right across the street from Newbury Comics on Newbury street. The bookshop I mean, not the novel. That takes places in a fictional universe and anyway well Ally McBeal was set in Boston, you know. Like that band....Aerosmith... And Mr. Jon Bon Jovi speaking of his acting career well you know he McBeal’d it up. And the Bee Gees they had that song Massachusetts you know, not a whole album like New Jersey but I think I’ve proved my point.
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Has Billy Joel figured out why he goes to extremes yet? I mean you think he woulda let us know, you know. I mean figured it out written another song, helped everyone else who has that problem you know. I mean maybe for him it’s just a song but to some people it’s a way a life. I mean to Jovi, you’ll remember last episode, that second Bon Jovi album bein’ called 7800 degrees Fahrenheit, I mean that seems to be the very definition of extreme. Well, I guess you got the band Extreme, you know More Than Words etc. And then for Gary Cherone, their lead singer, I mean talk about extremes, he joined Van Halen! Got to play with the old Edward Van, as Anthony Burgess woulda said had he written Clockwork Orange in the 80s, you know 1984. And then Anthony Burgess had that 1985 book, you know. And you know Van Halen are Dutch and what’s the national colour of the Dutch? I think you’ll find it’s orange. So that woulda made sense, you know. And remember Alex’s eyes are all bug-buggin’ in that one when he’s watching the film? I mean what if he had been watchin’ the Pretty Woman video? I mean who’s eyes aren’t bug-buggin’ as they say when they see that video? It’s like givin’ everyone the Ludovico technique. And I mean doesn’t Alex Van Halen play Ludwigs? I can’t make this stuff up! The old Alex Van playin’ Ludwigs. Man, it’s gettin’ too real! I mean what did Anthony Burgess write in the late 70s when Van Halen first started releasin’ records? He was probably workin’ on Earthly Powers. Well 1985 came out in 1978. Confusing I know but also the year the first VH record appeared. Then you had Van Halen II in 1979 and then Gary Cherone joined years later for Van Halen III. Years later so it’s kinda like releasing a book called 1985 in 1978. But I’ve still never heard Van Halen III, I’ll be honest with ya. But you know, I appreciate the legacy. When I saw that Sam & Dave tour back in 2002, Gary Cherone joined Sammy Hagar on stage for some songs. Top Of The World I think, you know, I love that song. I mean people draw lines and of course I mean you know I love Roth but I’ll still listen to Van Hagar, I mean I still love 5150. And Top Of The World, you know. I remember being in the line for the bathroom at that show, you’ll excuse my bathroom talk but it hit me when I was there, like a ton of bricks. The realization that, well I saw this dude I went to college with. Jamie we called him, that was his name. He was in that same line, the one at the show, I don’t remember there bein’ any lines for the bathroom at college. Well not at the university buildings themselves but obviously at parties you know. There were lines as long as the Eiffel Tower. Well you know what I mean, horizontal lines not vertical, but the same distance for both. But if you prefer to look at it like the line to get into the Eiffel Tower well then you’re free to see it that way too. But anyway we weren’t in college anymore, though I’m sure at the same concurrent time – this was 2002 remember, and even nowadays I’m sure – that there are lines for the bathroom while concerts are going on even in the places the concert isn’t. You know what I mean... So anyway I saw Jamie and he yelled across the line ‘who are you here to see?’ And the question just totally shocked me, you know like that KISS song. But KISS wasn’t playin’. But you know that Gene Simmons recruited Alex and Eddie to play on some demos back in 1976 or so, and I’ve been waitin years for them to come out. Christine Sixteen and a couple others, three in total I do believe. You’d always hear the rumors but now they’ve released that Gene Simmons boxset and it costs $2500 you know. So anyway Jamie asked me who I was there to see and said ‘well Dave of course’. And then this started a whole big argument in the bathroom line - again I’m sorry about the potty talk, but – well that but was an interjection to change the subject, not more bathroom talk, so I didn’t realize that people were there to see Sammy. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t there to see Sammy, you know I love a lot of those songs and it was a good show, Sammy was real good. But it never occurred to me that Dave doing all those songs again wasn’t the main draw. It certainly never occurred to me that there’d be people screamin’ about it across a line for the bathroom, again I’m sorry... But you know, it takes all types to make a world, people say. And then Roth didn’t play Unchained that night and it broke my heart, broke my heart you know. That’s what I wanted to hear. The most exciting rock song ever written, closely followed by Panama and Everybody Wants Some you know. And you know I think they’ve got the Top 5. Somebody Get Me A Doctor is a real good riff, but I’d put at number 4 Pavement’s Unfair you know, shake em like you just don’t care Steve Malkmus. That song’s real good, I love it. That’s a rocker you know, like that AC/DC song I’m a Rocker, I’m a roller, I’m a right down out of controller you know off Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. You got all the DCs in there you know, they should toured with Bad Brains. I mean that woulda been the best tour ever! Bad Brains, you got Dr. Know on guitar, Whooooooooah Nelly, you know. And Dr. Know, Bad Brains shoulda done a James Bond theme. That woulda been amazin’. They prolly coulda timed it right, you know, when hardcore was getting popular, right before emo, maybe done GoldenEye, or maybe Die Another Day. Madonna and Bad Brains, you know wow, let me tell you... I mean that crazy Fall Out Boy band, I mean they remind me a Quicksand. Especially that crazy Sugah song you know, sugah-shoug-shoug. You know ‘down down’ etc. I mean Bond’s always fallin’ outta airplanes you know, maybe they shoulda done a Bond theme. Well I mean the first ones that come to mind are GoldenEye and The Spy Who Loved Me but they weren’t around then. But hey Anthony Burgress wrote an early draft of the screenplay for The Spy Who Loved Me, and I think the whole underwater lair thing was his idea. I mean obviously the ideal would be for Van Halen to do a Bond theme. You got lotsa eyes in the Bond titles, so I’m The One comes to mind immediately or I’ll Wait. I guess we’re all waiting for that. Were they talking about the wait that we’d all face for them to get asked by EON Productions? Did they know it would be this long? Maybe Fall Out Boy and Van Halen should collaborate. And Bad Brains and Madonna! Maybe that could be the whole film, just the four of them in the studio. A bit avant-garde for a blockbuster James Bond film I know, but the times they are a changin’... But where was I..,oh yeah, extremes you know. Billy Joel. And then you got that Billy Joe from Green Day. That’s just confusin’, imagine if the two of them duetted. Call their song, El Billy. Get the mariachi goin’... or they should cover AC/DC’s Who Made Who, that’d be amazin’! Mariachi style or otherwise... Or do a whole mess a Billy songs – Billie Don’t Lose My Number, Dollar Bill by The Sceamin’ Trees, Billie Jean, I mean that song always confused me growin up. Cause you had that tennis player Billie Jean King, and Michael Jackson was called The King Of Pop and he was the one doing the song. So no, maybe they better skip that one. No need to lead to the Land Of Confusion, like Phil Collins also said. But I never cared for that song and that video you got puppets pressing the button for nuclear war like Anthony Burgess had that book The End Of The World News, and that video’s all too much for people to take who are dealin with the fact that David Lee Roth had just left Van Halen! Well they could do Big Bad Bill Is Sweet William Now, like Van Halen themselves did on Diver Down... All these Ds... Thinkin back on it Anthony Burgess wrote The Doctor Is Sick, first one I ever read. And then you got Van Halen II’s Somebody Get Me A Doctor, like I said before. And then The Pianoplayers came out in 1986, spookily the same year as 5150. Which if you’ll recall was synthesizer heavy. Don’t get me wrong I love those songs but it was always conjectured that it was the move towards synths and away from guitars that led to the split with Roth. But I’m sure it was much more complicated than that. But what really gets me is that Burgess’ Mozart and The Wolf Gang came out in 1991, the very same year that Wolfgang Van Halen was born. I rest my case.
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Maybe Pens 11:19
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So I've never seen Scarface, you know.... Al Pacino... I remember when I was young when that came out all my older cousins went to see it with my grandparents and they came back and they were raving about it and I was confused cause... I was obsessed with Star Wars at the time and you know I kinda mixed up the letters in my head, I just changed that C to a T you know like Connecticut you know, the Nutmeg State. And we were all in Connecticut at the time, making this even weirder. And I swear I have ever since labored under the illusion... Well I don’t know if it’s an illusion or not, but I’ve certainly been using it, you know like Guns N Roses the old 1-2 punch. But I don’t actually know if it’s illusory or not cause I’ve still never seen Scarface. But I’m guessin it’s not true, but for some reason I think Scarface takes place in outer space... You know gangsters in space it’s not that far-fetched, what with films where you can do anything, they didn’t really have CGI back then, well maybe they did but you know it wouldn’t have been that great... You know I mean The Godfather you got planet Jupiter you know Saturn you know the rings like Wagner's The Ring or that horror film The Ring you know with that Isle of Misfit Toys. I mean you gotta figure Rudolph’s been to space a few times. I mean how do we know that Mars ain’t just Rudolph’s nose you know... Truth be told, I've never seen any of these so like I'm just riffing here, saying what I think from what people have told me... I mean obviously I’ve seen the Rudolph film, you’d have to be livin’ in outer space not to have seen that... Though that is a generalization I’m gonna take back right now cause maybe if you’re livin’ in outer space you see everything cause the broadcast waves just hit ya and you take it all in you know... But with the others I’m just givin’ a general impression, that is the impressions that these have had upon me you know like the impressionist painters, you know. I mean are there any impressionist paintings call Scarface or Starface? Or of Al Pacino himself? I mean was Al Pacino an impressionist painter? I mean you can't prove that there’s never been- I mean there’s the famous guy but there coulda been an impressionist painter named Al Pacino somewhere you know... Somewhere in time like Iron Maiden you know and that one had the futuristic Eddie on the cover. Not that it was very impressionistic at all, though it certainly made an impression on me as a child. Had that Wasted Years on it, and Stranger In A Strange Land just like Al Pacino in the world of Impressionist painting... BUT! Of course there coulda been this other Al Pacino who was no stranger to the equally un-as-strange world of impressionism. Just doing his thang you know, not too concerned with fame and fortune you know, just painting impressionist pictures of you know of gangster wars in space. Maybe some tulips, you know... Maybe Johnny Two-Lips you know, some sort of florist gangster, you don’t want to run afoul of those. Saved Al Pacino’s life that one time that night the Barry Manilow concert got way too crazy in Rotterdam. I mean I picture them all being Dutch despite the last name Pacino. Or maybe Johnny Two-Lips is called that cause everyone else in his gang got their mouths sewn shut by some renegade Gepetto you know. Who wasn’t listenin to Jiminy Cricket’s always let your conscience be your guide, you know. I mean how would you like havin your mouth sewn shut with puppet string? I mean that’s thick string you know... I’m glad I never crossed that gang. I don’t even know the names of the dudes with their lips sewn together and I mean I guess they couldn’t even tell me. Unless they wrote it down you know. But I’d want to get the Dutch pronunciation right and it’d turn into this whole big thing if I then had to go show somebody the piece of paper with their name on it and ask how do I pronounce this without givin away that I was associated with these fellas you know, inspiring terror in the local population... But I mean I think Pacino would be pronounced the same in Dutch but it probably won’t be that fruitful to do a Google search of it because maybe he’s not even on Google’s radar. Or maybe there is one who is Google searchable on the Internet and then someone who is not, you know. He’s just livin’, livin’ his life. I mean maybe he’s Dutch and he’s just transported himself to Tasmania. The Tasmanian devil, you know maybe that could be his nickname in his small circle of friends you know.. But maybe he's got a lot of friends you know. I mean we know nothin about Thomas Pynchon, old Tommy P!, but a lot of people seem to know him so maybe this Al Pacino is the Thomas Pynchon of impressionist painting, you know. I mean maybe... I've never been to Tasmania either. I've never even been down under, Australia, though I’d love to you know... Kangaroos... I mean do they really box? Boxing kangaroos in space seems like you know like isn’t organized crime involved with like riggin’ fights you know... It’d be a lot more... difficult...to...get...a kangaroo to go down in a certain round, I would guess unless like you know that Horse Whisperer film. And like the French and Spanish translations of that are just like the longest movie title ever. Cause it's like The Man Who Whispered In The Ears Of Horses... I mean maybe that’s that Al Pacino or maybe that Al Pacino just knows this guy you know - The Man Who Whispers In The Ears Of Boxing Kangaroos in Space. Wow I mean that’s certainly a long one. Even in English cause I don’t think there’s a one word equivalent. It would certainly help if he was Dutch or German, I’m sure they got a word for that. But I mean we’d have to make it clear that by ‘in space’ we mean ‘on the spaceship’ cause sound does not travel in space. Well that’s another film right there. The prequel, The Man Who Whispers In The Ears Of Boxing Kangaroos In Space. But nothin’ happens cause they can’t hear him. And then it could be The Man Who Whispers In The Ears Of Boxing Kangaroos In Space On The Spaceship. Where they’re fightin you know subtitled The Al Pacino Story. Man, I’ll have to Google if Scarface wasn’t already subtitled this. It’s been so long since my cousins went to see it... I don’t know and then there’s the whole question of even if he’s whisperin’ in the ears of the kangaroos in space or not, can they even understand him? I mean there could be people who just you know talk to kangaroos all the time and the kangaroos are like all nonchalant about it. They’re like yeah whatever you humans want this is stupid anyway but you’re givin’ us good money you know and we have free reign of the land you know... And Joey, I mean you’d have to call the main character of a kangaroo boxing pic - again in outer space or not - you’d have to call him Joey, I would think. You know the young... young and tough kid you know... I mean imagine if this was the Friends spin-off Joey with Al Pacino in a kangaroo costume. The Dutch one or the real one, wouldn’t matter cause you wouldn’t see him in the outfit... But then again there weren’t that many Friends spin-offs that took place in space... And I mean what's the Australia of the planets, you know? So you got seven continents, let’s just say for arguments sake you got seven planets besides Earth cause you know Pluto’s reputation has gone a bit... haywire you know so I mean, how do those rank? You know maybe, maybe Neptune would have to be Antartica, cause it’s the coldest most farthest away you know. But I would guess Australia would be the Uranus you know cause it’s all upside down like we up in the Northern hemisphere you know like that Rush album – actually the Rush album is just called Hemispheres so they’re really talking about both of em - they’re not showin any favorites and neither should we you know. But I mean part of the ring goes down under like that Men At Work song you know. I mean are there men at work on Uranus? Well that sounds terrible but uh... where am I goin’, I mean... Well Scarface, you can't have one of those kangaroos playin Scarface if it’s a literal scar you know. That’s cruelty to animals, you know. And I imagine cool as these boxing kangaroos might be about other stuff, you tell em they gotta be in hair and makeup at 4 am and then sit in a chair for hours while someone’s painting a scar on em - realistic or not - I don’t think they’d be havin any of it you know.. And that brings in the whole question of wardrobe too. I mean do they box with gloves on or is it barefisted? The cartoons you always see they got gloves on but... I don’t know, it’s a tricky world this stuff, you don’t know anything about you know... And how would the kangaroos even get into space, you know? They can’t jump that high, you know, even on a trampoline. There have been experiments I would think, even before the Wright Brothers... But I mean does Al Pacino even paint kangaroos? Is he more into self-portraits? Or you know portraits of famous kangaroo boxers you know... Smoking cigars like those dogs playing poker, but maybe the kangaroos are playing like pinochle or something or wist...or War! I mean that’d be a heavy impressionist painting you know, a bunch of kangaroos playing War, you know. The Ace of Spades all out and like you see a Motorhead album cover in the back you know - WOOO! Maybe like a Grim Reaper or something peering in the window, and it’s all too heavy, but like I said those kangaroos don’t mind They’re just playin it real cool you know. I mean I’ve got a busy schedule on right now but if this is what Scarface is about, someone please let me know and I will make the time to watch it
10.

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A collection of the first ten The Young Southpaw Part Of An Hour podcasts, released between Sept 2018 - Feb 2019. Mastered here as WAVs.

Yes, the title is a reference to both the Krzysztof Kieślowski film and that Iron Maiden dvd.

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released March 4, 2019

Written & performed by Aug Stone

Cover design & photo by Kelly Hudak.

Thanks to Kelly Hudak, Bo Butler, Andrew Shaw & popbollocks, Brian Ewing, Jim Psarras, and Greg Proops.

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Young Southpaw Connecticut

"From the existential thread that ties Jean-Paul Sartre to Jon Bon Jovi, to the skinny on what’s floating in TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, and the possibility that Al Pacino is coaching boxing kangaroos in space, wise-fool Southpaw's ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn't even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion." - popbollocks ... more

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