Dekalaug 5: 5 & Dime

by Young Southpaw

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1.
Now... this is bizarre man...we had a huge power outage during a storm recently and finally, when the lights came back on...there was a note on the table...that simply read...Free Jazz: The Musical... ....now I had left the note to myself before the power went out...but..ya know....what if...during that power outage, I mean I wasn’t in the same room the entire time, what if someone snuck in and replaced it with an exact copy of that same note... ...phooooooo..........I mean...there’s like a lot of implications, it would mean that someone has the original..well, my original..Free Jazz: The Musical note...but also that someone could have been coming to give me a note that read...Free Jazz: The Musical... ....I’m not sure what for...my own personal gain?...or...maybe they just needed to hide it from their pursuers, ya know?......in which case maybe I shouldn’t be mentioning it on this podcast...but too late, the information is now out there, a gift to the woooooorld ya know? besides it could be that someone besides myself wanted me to have this idea...ya know?...I mean I also wanted myself to have this idea, that’s why I left the note in the first place...cause it’s not like they left me contact info ya know ‘get in touch and we’ll make Free Jazz: The Musical together’ ya know?...I don’t think it was a renegade financial backer who was like this is gonna be the next big thang...we need Young Southpaw I mean he’s always wanted to learn to play the bass clarinet... so it’s crazy, I mean who knows what happened during that black out? Ya know, The Damned had that song ‘Wait For The Blackout’...imagine if their chorus was like ‘let’s wait for the blackout so that Free Jazz: The Musical could come to life’?...I mean that wouldn’t really jive with the genres they were working in on The Black Album but...I love that record, so I’m not gonna say anything against it or them...if they want Free Jazz: The Musical to happen...I am happy to work on it with The Damned... but ya know...I mean much like the very world we live in, we can’t really say for sure what the origins of Free Jazz: The Musical are...I mean of course I’d like to claim authorship but phew, that’s a lot of power... and like...I think..no matter how it came to me...I’ve hit upon...a moneymaker...ya know like that old blues song, Shake Yr Money Maker...Elmore James, you know...and that first Black Crowes album too...in no way am I suggesting that The Black Crowes are free jazz...or if they are, I must have been wildly misinformed about this type of music I mean I hope that doesn’t disqualify me from producing this surefire hit... I mean so many people, their issue with free jazz is that it’s just noise...but imagine writing some quality tunes around it ya know, in the style of...Annie...or Grease...I think Phantom Of The Opera would confuse the issue ya know...unless it was like free jazz fusion....the Musical....but you could have ya know like How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?, well How Do You Solve A Problem Like Ornette Coleman? not that he’s a problem, but it took me a long time to begin to understand what he’s doin’, so How Do You Solve A Puzzle Like Ornette Coleman? There ya go! We got the opening number written already!....alright, maybe some of you are sayin’ we just have a title, but...same number of syllables, maybe we can just set it to the tune of...How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?....then you got ‘Maria’ from West Side Story, is that the problem they were talking about...that tune? I mean Sound Of Music came out after West Side Story...takin thing further East no less, to Germany And then there’s Cats....people say ‘cats’ when talkin’ about jazz musicians...we’re on a roll...though wait a minute, I’ve never actually seen the musical Cats...it’s not already about free jazz, is it? I know it’s based on that T.S. Eliot play...Old Possum’s Book Of Practical Cats...this doesn’t really sound like a play about exploring the multiple modalities and tonalities inherent in free jazz...I’m not sure any of Eliot’s work does...The Wasteland...though I mean that would make a good metal musical, right? Or like the story of The Jam? they had that tune Wasteland...maybe combine the two...an alternate timeline where The Jam were part of the New Wave Of British Heavy Metal...have the character of Old Possum be in there...like at the very beginning of the show he gets slain by some hot licks, or rather it just looks like he gets slain, the audience doesn’t know, then he plays dead for the rest of the proceedings, until the encore of course...when he arises as the greatest guitar hero ever to walk the earth... or like The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock...well, I mean that sounds like a Cure tune... there are many ways this could go.... well wait a second...I know I said using Phantom Of The Opera might be confusing...but Phantom Of The Free Jazz has a real nice ring to it...the double F sound, fortissimo ya know aw man, I hope like once you get investors involved it won’t totally be just like another musical, no free jazz in it at all, just maybe like the subject matter of one or two songs Rent...never saw that one.....but they could cover that Pet Shop Boys song Rent, why not? bring synthpop and free jazz together, what the world’s been waiting for, heck even do a free jazz synthpop version of that Stone Roses song... and like ya know how I was saying about The Sound Of Music...took place in Germany...but like in Germany....or any of the places that have the, the soft J...like with Jazz...do they pronounce it...yazz?....ya know like the Vince Clarke Alison Moyet band?!...Only You! I’m gonna start cryin’...I mean that might be good to have as a plot in Free Jazz: The Musical...some sort of love interest..investors will want that... Don’t Go, Situation, all those...Too Pieces, t-o-o ya know, that was always my favourite Yaz song...grammatically that’s a bit like free jazz... or Free Yaaaaaaazzzzzz: The Musical....Vince Clarke & Alison Moyet are arrested for a crime they did not commit...pop crimes, ya know like that Rowland S Howard album... well now we got, we got two separate musicals!....UNLESS! that note I found after the storm was meant to be pronounced like a German speaker would say it!...woo! I mean Upstairs At Eric’s sounds like it could be a jazz club... ...so maybe it’s the same theatre production after all Though I mean like synthesizers don’t really swing, they can be pretty straight - and you gotta swing it in jazz, swing the heartache ya know?...like Bauhaus...back to The Sound Of Music again, no wait that’s Joy Division, back to Germany at least, though Bauhaus are from Northampton, England, anyway you know what I mean....were Bauhaus the first synthpop free jazz band? I mean, I gotta tell ya, I don’t hear it... their songs don’t sound anything like that...David J on the fretless bass, alright I can see the argument there...Bela Lugosi’s Dead ya know...but then like the punks were always sayin’ Punk’s Not Dead, around the same time...why wasn’t it Bela Lugosi’s Not Dead...woah! If I had a punk band, I would release an album called...well, actually there should be a whole style of music called Bela Lugosi...make more sense that way... Love & Rockets, Tones On Tail...I mean none of these were jazz bands in the strictest sense of the word...nor were they Yaz..by definition they weren’t Yaz, that was a whole other act... And Yaz were known as Yazoo in the UK...which always confuses me cause it sounds like ka-zoo...which kinda mocks the sound a synthesizer makes ... and as conceptual an idea as it is, I’m not sure those songs would have benefited from having all the parts being played on kazoos...that’s something that would happen in a Tommy P novel! but in this style of music known as Bela Lugosi, I mean are there kazoo parts? are kazoos the prominent instrument? Jazz-oo ya know I mean maybe Free Jazz: The Musical subtitle Bela Lugosi’s Not Dead....well T.S. Eliot totally could have written this!
2.
Drew In KISS 10:06
Ya know like there’s that whole movie, Never Been Kissed, in keeping with the title I never saw it but I mean what I can surmise from the name of the film and the fact that Drew Barrymore was the star is that she is supposed to have never been kissed in her life?!...didn’t we see her kissing in other films...I mean that title and scenario is pretty far-fetched man, a blatant lie, no way you’re gonna fool audience goers like that...can’t suspend their disbelief when they’ve already seen it on the big screen in The Wedding Singer the year before...prolly why I never saw the film I mean a better premise and what would definitely have me buying a ticket is if it had been about Drew Barrymore never having seen a KISS concert...I mean it came out same year as Detroit Rock City, both in ninety-niiiiiiine ya know...coulda combined the two Which I guess would basically just be Drew in Detroit Rock City, you wouldn’t really have to change the plot of that one at all!... OR BETTER YET, HER BEING IN THE BAND ITSELF!...I mean it’s right there in her name with the make-up ya know, Drew!... past tense of ‘draw’...what would she be, have...drawn...be drawing on her face? What would her KISS character be? is what I’m trying to say... ...the extra-terrestrial?.....I....I don’t know if I would buy that, Ace was already The Spaceman...though I mean along with Paul being The Starchild, they could now be The Space Trinity!...The Great Space Coasters.. if they then turned KISS into a tribute act to that 1950’s doo-wop group... The Firestarter would be cool!...flames on the face!....though kinda take away from Gene breathing fire act, I wonder if he would have that...I mean it would make much more sense for Drew to start spitting the fire herself.....and Kiss doing a cover of that Prodigy song would be rad! or The Angel from Charlie’s Angels...you know how KISS like to fly all around the arena...and the wings would look cool or like she produced and directed that movie Whip It...she could be like wearin rollerderby gear...and with a Devo hat ya know...in KISS... Beverly Hills Chihuahua! Get a dog in to balance out Peter’s Cat make-up ...I mean these last few are from future movies so maybe she would have to have been like...The Psychic!...have cool flowing robes, and like a turban with a giant crystal in the middle...or a monkey’s paw!...Kiss always seemed like they wanted more animals what with Eric Carr being The Fox and all....well now wait a minute this gets a little problematic...cause like if she’s the Psychic already, as a character, she wouldn’t be needing all these other personas that she can see into the future about!...unless like Gene & Paul are letting her change costumes and characters every night!...I mean that would surely sell tickets!...fans are all psyched to hear Strutter and see who Drew is gonna be!...and what instrument is she even playing in the band? I mean she was in that Music & Lyrics film - now I’m not suggesting her KISS character and make-up be..Hugh Grant......what I’m saying is she can co-write tunes! with the boys!..like Desmond Child did ya know...wrote with The Starchild...though I’m not saying Drew’s role should just be behind the scenes...I mean her name implies that she’s got the make-up on and is with them on stage......woah! though what if everyone involved in the KISS organization also wore make-up and had their own characters...like right down to the accountants ya know!...you could have like The Adding Machine...ugh! painting numbers on your eyelids like that, makin me a bit squeamish...or like the tour bus driver could be like..well any number of people from The Cannonball Runs...woo! that would get confusing like well when Roger Moore was still alive if you ever saw him out and about not knowing if it was the famous actor...or KISS’ tour bus driver with incredibly detailed Roger Moore make-up on But woah! Roger Moore, like in keeping with Drew’s name, I mean I know she’s in KISS because of her first name...but what about her surname, Sir John Barry ya know?!...Barry-moooorrrree.. I mean the name implies a lot of them, and I mean it could mean that KISS should have a line of baritone saxophones..I mean that would be interesting..it certainly would have been another direction for them to go in in the 90s, instead of making those sort of grunge-y albums but getting John Barry involved, the very Barry they need more of, I mean doesn’t it seem like KISS should’ve done a Bond theme?...I mean Love Gun itself, the title totally sounds like a Bond tune...1977, woulda been The Spy Who Loved Me, woulda been perfect, ya know? Funnily enough that album and the film were released within two weeks of each other, like the Universe wanted them to come together...I mean the film coulda had two main theme songs, cause Nobody Does It Better is pretty great too...Carly Simon, Simon & Garfunkel, Simon & P-Garfunkel, bringin it back to the two Starchilds in KISS and P-Funk...oh man George Clinton totally shoulda done a Bond theme...or heck just have all of em as a supergroup recording Love Gun for the movie... and ya know John Barry wrote Kiss Kiss Bang Bang for Shirley Bassey in Thunderball...woah! God of Thunderball ya know!...but like now that you’re adding another KISS..have it be Kiss Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Bang!.. goes perfectly with KISS’ whole philosophy Imagine if KISS Meets The Phantom Of The Park was actually a Bond film!...woah! starring Drew Barrymore...the triumvirate ya know - KISS, Bond, and Drew...I don’t know what sort of international espionage this phantom could’ve been up to at that amusement park in California but I mean don’t worry, Bond’ll sort it out...has Bond ever dealt with the supernatural?...no mind, I am perfectly confident in his abilities, esp if he has one of Charlie’s Angels to help him...and KISS of course...maybe take it to Vegas, you know how Bond loved to go there in the books, his type of town, Diamonds Are Forever ya know, Black Diamonds Are Forever woah! and they got that KISS mini golf course in Vegas...speaking of which... I mean Drew’s KISS make up could just be Adam Sandler, she was in a ton of films with him...or like the plot twist to never been kissed is that she goes to see the show and Adam Sandler is in the band... as the character of Drew Barrymore...then like she figures out what’s going on through some sort of time travel...goes back to 1978 to record her own solo album along with Ace, Peter, Paul, & Gene’s...it blows up ya know, naturally.... having her leave the band to go solo right before Dynasty...and then like there’s a big reunion in 1999, everyone’s excited that she’s back in the group... but it’s really Adam Sandler in Drew Barrymore KISS make-up!..... ....I don’t know, ya know...just throwin’ out ideas that might be a little more believable than her never having been kissed
3.
I was just making a salad, ya know? And it’s weird like I mean I always listen to music while I’m preparing food and I was just too hungry I guess, I didn’t press play on anything ya know... got me to thinking though...are there any bands with the names of salad dressings?...or even marinades? well my first thought was Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, I mean you often have sunflower or pumpkin seeds, well I guess it’s more in the salad itself not the dressing, but ya know like I said it was my first thought - go a little easy on me! - I mean it’s still relevant to the overall picture of the salad...but like first of all you’d want them to be...decent quality seeds, especially if you were paying for ‘em..in a restaurant...they couldn’t have..gone ‘bad’....ya know like that Van Halen song Girl Gone Bad but in seed form...and you wouldn’t want also in this dressing, the remains...of Nick Cave in it...even if it was..one of Australia’s finest songwriters...I mean most likely it’d just be somebody named Nick Cave, you know how business works, so legally they can call this dressing Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds...ugh! I don’t want that..ya know... Or like.. Fishbone?... you’d choke on that...you wanna keep that away from food... huh... huh.... like who else is there... I mean I know there are other bands in the world besides Nick Cave and Fishbone.. it’s just the question is so mindboggling, it’s got me all in a tizzy..ya know... I mean...Van Halen..I guess I said them already...obviously that would be an incredible salad dressing but I don’t know what it would contain The Replacements is odd because it wouldn’t be the salad dressing you ordered ya know... and if you didn’t like what they offered as a substitute, you’d have to put in a new order ya know...well, this sounds pretty, on paper at least, a salad dressing that is a cross between The Replacements and New Order...actually I can’t even picture it, let alone hardly wait... and Guided By Voices would be crazy, if it was like moving around! it would be kinda cool, you wouldn’t have to toss the - you know toss the salad in the strictly culinary sense...you just throw this on and some ethereal entity would.. guide it around....that would be amazing!...but it doesn’t really tell me much...about the nature of..what it would taste like...that’s what I’m trying to get at...there’s no band called Sesame Avocado.. that I know of...but that gets problematic cause like what would Sesame Avocado sound like? Would they just cover the theme tune to Sesame Street but as if the street were coated in a thin layer of guacamole? Bad Brains...that would be a terrible..salad dressing...oo! though that DC sceeeeeene ya know! Minor Threat had that tune Salad Days!...Though I was making my meal at night! Salad nights, I mean do goths eat salad? Is this what the Stones ‘Paint It Black’ was about? I mean why would they do that?! Write a tune about the eating habits of the fans of a musical genre that would not exist for another decade or more? I mean do any bands write songs about other genre’s fans... foods of choice.. anyway you know?....Not that I’m even claiming that goths think salad is the bee’s knees or whatever... the B-52’s!...bombers...exploding salads ya know!... The Teardrop Exploooooodes...I mean that would be kinda rad...ya know those restaurants that people go to to cry at...I mean The Shaize loves those, he goes all the time...I ain’t been with him yet, I mean I get it kinda sounds amusing, the concept, but I think the reality of it once you’re there would be pretty depressing...ya know, just solitary folks...crying alone over their fooooood.... but like this Teardrop Explodes salad dressing would be like a salad dressing that once a teardrop falls onto it..your food explodes! ya know...adds a whole new element to this, this dining experience...I mean it’s a wonderful thing, really shake you out of your sorrow, ya know...very effective... I wonder if the Teardrop Explodes themselves thought of these things as a band...I mean merch was a lot different in the late 70s/early 80s ya know...EVEN NOW! You nevah see any salad dressings on the merch table ya know... I mean I wonder if at those restaurants - I gotta ask The Shaize, man...I mean maybe I’ll have to finally get out to one but...I mean does it extend beyond just salad? cause I mean I get if it happens once at the beginning of the meal, over the first course ya know, bring you to your senses, on high alert in case anything else unexpectedly blows up...though woah! I wonder if they have timed seating slots, if it’s that fancy...cause then there’d be like explosions happening all over the room at the same time.. I mean they must have volatile dessert toppings too, I mean I wonder which makes more sense, ya know? to snap out of it a bit before your main meal...or to get all the grieving out and then have a dessert detonate right in front of you at the very end? but if you actually wanna eat as well as cry, ya know...it’s gonna get quite tedious if say you’re real hungry by the time your entrée arrives and you just happen to shed a tear on it and that explodes too!....and you’re payin’ good money for this!...woo!... I mean Dinosaur Jr. had that song Puke & Cry ya know...I wonder if, if that was the inspiration ya know? are there like adjacent vomitoriums?....man, I gotta ask The Shaize... there was also that band Salad...wonderful opportunities for touring package bills ya know...I mean you can’t put Salad on itself...this is like a mathematical thang... I feel like I learned this in high school...if you add salad to Salad it just gets subsumed in the set of Salad...the mathematical set, not the set of musical songs they’re playing...though that would be interesting to combine them both, ya know....is this that new math they’re always talking about?....especially if they were the house band at one of these crying restaurants...the house Salad you know...this sounds like quite the experience, Shaize is always the forerunner on these types of things man I mean again the nature of business, like you’d think the waiters at these places would be overwhelmed by all the sadness about them, every which way they tuuuurn, just people bawling their eyes out...but I mean of course they get hardened to it over time...and then the flipside being - the upshot for the moguls - is that these waiters are never in danger of crying onto the food they’re carrying ...so it doesn’t blow up before it reaches the customer’s table...clever that, I guess...if a bit cynical..I could never do it... what about like Goldfrapp... I mean like technically malted beverages are not what you would usually think of putting on a salad but it’s certainly one of the closest band names to that sort of consistency you know? .....look kinda cool too bein’ all goooooooooolllld you know... Superchunk maybe G Love and Special Sauce...sauce may be as close as we’re gonna get...though I mean G Love just makes wish it was The Glove ya know! collaboration between Robert Smith and Steve Severin...though I mean The Cure, if this had medicinal properties too....be the craziest restaurant I’d ever been to....and I ain’t even been there yet! Afghan Whigs would just be hilarious...you’re served this big thing of hair on your plate and you lift it up and it’s like....well maybe like a live raccoon... I think I’m getting mixed up now though I mean I do not know all the world’s languages...I don’t know if like somewhere the word for salad and the word for live raccoon are synonymous...though I think I was just thinkin of the wig ya know, Psychedelic Furs too...though there’s that Sabbath song Rat Salad...which Eddie wanted to name VH at one point... I mean the Soup Dragons, why not the Salad Dragons as well...I mean you add dragon to a dish...the name, not the mythical being... Poison - I mean that’s a big NO, ya know...can you imagine Poison tryin to sell salad dressing, I mean who would buy that ya know...oof!...though I mean fans do crazy things, though it’d make more sense for Brian Jonestown Massacre to do it...actually what if the two of them toured toured together? Pavement - hard to chew, ya know...no one’s making this easy...ya know The Dead Boys...I don’t know why these are all the ones coming to me when I’m just trying to think of a simple food, ya know...I mean we’ve already covered cannibalism and I sincerely hope there’s not a bunch of legalise that make it acceptable to name a salad after The Cannonball Run and yet have it contain human flesh let’s move away from the punk names then....uh... Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians...that’s..I mean how many new bohemians are there in the first place? I mean salads are not that big... it’s usually a small bowl.. or plate if you wanna switch it up...how will these bohemians - even with their alternative lifestyles - how will they fit on such relatively tiny dishware Pulp?....Pulp might be acceptable, ya know... Suede...no...especially since salad is most often a vegan food ya know....Super Furry Animals as well, I mean that kinda combines everything there...again a very small plate there was The French... not to be confused with my friend The French who told me about those infinite hotel rooms..but this was a post-Hefner band, very good stuff Thousand Island....I guess there’s Future Islands .. I mean if there were 1000 bands with ‘islands’ in the title that would just be excessive...though it would solve the problem...but like ya know Lonely Island too...if like you need to get 1000 Islands....a lonely island...with 999 other islands...isn’t really...well I guess you can still be lonely - you know that whole alone in a crowd thing - but there’s also a chance that with that much company they might not be that lonesome..and you can’t take that risk..you can’t be breaking up bands just to make salad dressing you know?...all musicians should probably learn that early on, save themselves a lot of pain... ...a lot of culinary preparation as well...just buy some salad dressing ya know...don’t take it too hard...though man, I mean how does this sit with the whole starving artist thing? maybe it’s, maybe it’s motivation...keeping you focused on making the big time when you’ll have enough money to be eating in these crying restaurants I mean if we could just convince 999 to add ‘islands’ to their name we’d be golden!
4.
Now...Metallica’s Master Of Puppets album, ya know...I mean I started thinking, logical question...who are they talking about? Who is the master of puppets?... Jim Henson?...Frank Oz?....some sort of other Wizard?....Merlin? I mean on the cover ya know ya don’t see anybody - it’s just strings attached to almost invisible hands up in the sky - the Invisible Hand of Economics ya know...Adam Smith...Robert Smith....I mean The Cure and Metallica have sold a lot of records... hands in the air...wave em like you don’t care...but I mean you gotta care to achieve the level of mastery in puppetry, in anything really... It’s weird though ya know... Cameo’s Word Up.. also came out in 1986...same year as that album....I mean how amazing would that have been if Cameo did an actual Cameo...on...Metallica’s Master Of Puppets...ya know, funk it up... Then there was that whole Genesis video, Land Of Confusion, with the Reagans and the members of the band all as puppets...I mean woah!!...came out in 86 too!...crazy...on the Invisible Touch album...Invisible Touch I mean that’s like the hands in the sky controlling the puppet strings!....were Genesis and Metallica... in cahouts?!....I mean for what we do not know...or even dare to tread...phoo!....I mean is this what In Too Deep was about?.... and like I mean if anything, if Genesis are gonna pick a thrash band to secretly work with, it’d have to be Exodus...But like they had I Can’t Dance off that album We Can’t Dance... and Exodus had The Toxic Waltz so maybe that’s where it all fell through But then like off that album, in 1991 mind you, they had Dreaming While You Sleep, and also 91 Metallica’s Enter Sandman!....I can’t make this up!...coming together again 5 years later like that...not...10 Years After...that was a different band...but two years before Master Of Puppets ya know, Depeche Mode put out Master & Servant...and then two years after Enter Sandman, Nirvana put out Serve the Servants...I mean this is boggling my mind...I mean again, was Metallica considering an all-remix album of that Depeche Mode tune and then we get like Battery and Damage Inc...or maybe they just decided it was the Thing That Should Not Be... but then like ya know they had Fade To Black off Ride The Lightning and then the next Depeche Mode album is called Black Celebration...I mean, what’s going on here?... to pre-date the KLF, 1986 What The F Is Going On? ...is this like some bizarre game of musical chairs? ...like Dave Gahan in the Enjoy The Silence video?... And I don’t wanna lose sight of Genesis either ya know...cause like the last two songs on Black Celebration are Dressed In Black and New Dress...really laying it on thick with the dressing...just like over a salad you know...but Dressed In Black clearly states ‘she’s dressed in black....again’... And like in that Genesis song, it’s ‘she seems to have an invisible touch’.. much like hands in the sky holding strings might have... Is this a clue? As to who this Master Of Puppets might be? That whole Merlin thang just a red herring? Much like merlot ya know... So is it....Sharon Osbourne maybe? Metallica opened for Ozzy on that tour... could it have been Madonna? Papa Don’t Preach, ya know... with all those crosses in the graveyard like that on the cover... Whitney Houston, maybe? bringing it back to the KLF....Like ‘How Will I Know’ is a perfectly valid question about who is the true puppet master of them all...I mean, just like anything else the world of puppeteering has to be full of unscrupulous hacks trying to claim they’re the greatest...or like, in Getting Jiggy With It, when Will Smith says that Muhammad Ali told him that he was the greatest!...what if he’s talking about puppets?! “got the fever for the flavor of a crowd pleaser” I mean the Muppets were huge!...and I mean Jiggy is the perfect term for puppets, that little dance they do on the strings, you can’t keep em still... Dionne Warwick, ya know Whitney’s cousin, did that version of I’m Your Puppet, that James and Bobby Purify tune...ya know, maybe trying to throw us off the scent, claiming she’s the puppet and not the puppet master while the exact opposite might be true!...heck Ms. Warwick did a Bond tune...Kiss Kiss Bang Bang....as we’ve discussed before...and I mean there must’ve been puppets with KISS make-up, I mean surely Gene Simmons would make those, they’d sell a million...but like if any puppets actually joined the band KISS, what would their make-up be? and what would their puppet master’s make up be?! and then The Grateful Dead has puppets in the Touch Of Grey video!...and that song came out in 1987! year after the Metallica album... plenty of time for the beings in those tombs on the cover to be revived as deceased puppets and be grateful for it! Grandmaster Flash?... it’s like a jungle sometimes...much more Guns N Roses than Metallica Hawkwind had Master Of The Universe...I mean if it’s the whole universe, it will include all the puppets in it!....And Hawkwind...I mean hawks and wind will definitely destroy the strings attached to those puppets But ya know who it’s gotta be?....Iron Maiden’s Eddie... dontcha think?...I mean Metallica gotta be refering to the Number Of The Beast album cover, right?...where The Devil’s got a little version of Eddie on strings like a puppet...but then a much bigger Eddie has The Devil on strings....I mean woo!.... and then Genesis ya know... Iron Maiden had that song Revelations off the next record Piece Of Mind...maybe trying to calm us down about what was to come... and like to settle who is the master of puppets do all the puppeteers have like a battle royale...and are the puppets involved? I mean they gotta be...and like would Metallica’s master challenge Iron Maiden’s master to be the true Master Of Puppets? I mean there are only four members of Metallica but Maiden’s now got 6 with the three guitarists and woah no 7! including Eddie of course!...That’s like a four on four half court game with Maiden having 3 subs...I mean who’s to say they’re actually fighting, ya know? basketball game seems more civilized way to go about it...so we don’t injure our favourite bands...or like a chess match....but I mean puppets playing chess just seems extraneous you know....how you gonna sell tickets to that?
5.
Remember....Spuds Mackenzie?.... the dog from the 80s Budweiser commercials... the quote ‘original party animal’ endquote...if that helps..I mean if not, just know they tried to use a dog in sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts to sell beer in the late 80s...now I have known some party animals in my day, and they weren’t all as well-mannered as ol’ Spuds...there was usually a lot of carnage involved...I mean maybe that was happenin’ off camera, I do not know... Now the thing is I been getting confuuuuuuuussssed ya know...as to why old Spuds Mackenzie... wasn’t in Wilson Philipps, you know?...and then I remembered that Mackenzie Phillips...Mackenzie is her first name......then I remembered that Mackenzie Phillips...wasn’t in Wilson Phillips...she was on One Day At A Time, ya know...so why wasn’t Spuds Mackenzie...on One Day At A Time...well I guess the answer’s the same...it’s her first name, ya know...and I don’t even know if that dog’s name was Spuds Mackenzie, actors are always taking stage names and what not...and why wasn’t it Suds Mackenzie if we’re talkin about beer, what do potatoes have to do with it?... and it prolly was a fake identity too cause that dog was a female... but portrayed as a male... ya know, the misogyny of the 1980s...kinda like, well no, I guess it’s the opposite of Lady Stardust...and then Bowie made Diamond Dogs a couple albums later ya know......it seems odd that Spuds Mackenzie...was never in Bowie’s band...locking in the groove with Carlos Alomar...I mean I know dogs age differently than us humans...so maybe spanning both Bowie’s 70s band and Wilson Phillips might’ve been too much for ol Spuds...but I mean have we ever really looked into the idea that dogs are capable of time travel?.....that they already possess that technology...they’re just not overly showy about it....and like, because of dog years...do they time-travel quicker than humans?....I mean they were in space before us...I mean surely, to the human ego, that’s the real Space Oddity...and heck coulda been Zig Zig Sputnik ya know...cause like if you’re the original party animal and you’re at the height of your fame...ya gotta think, if time travel’s a possibility, you’re gonna wanna go party with Bowie ya know... hanging out during the Pin Ups sessions...Bowie’s all painting the Aladdin Sane make-up on Spuds’ face, she’s lovin’ it of course..this is exactly why she went back in the time in the first place...Bowie’s suddenly getting ideas for his next album, what will become Diamond Dogs ya know... Iggy’s probably around, I Wanna Be Your Dog ya know....playin’ early versions of China Girl...which both of them would record...both Iggy and Bowie...I know of no recordings Spuds did of Iggy Pop material...but this is prolly givin’ Spuds some ideas of her own...I mean ya know Chyna Phillips.. was the Phillips... of Wilson Phillips...wooo, lotta Phillips in that sentence...I almost passed out... but I know you’re thinking..Hold On..how is this gonna work?...but I mean there’s always the trio of women singing in those commercials...kinda like Wilson Phillips...and Spuds is a drummer in one of those ads... and alright, you’re prolly now saying to yourself...Spuds first appeared in that 1987 Super Bowl ad...1987, a good two years after Roth had left Van Halen...obviously....I mean people were just tryin’ to cope any way they could ya know...having dogs sell beer on national television... but like Mackenzie Phillips...One Day At A Time...also...featured Valerie Bertinelli who would go on to marry Eddie Van Halen! Atomic Punk, Atomic Dog ya know! Yeah, get George Clinton involved! I mean a supergroup of well all of Van Halen, George Clinton, Wilson Phillips, and Spuds Mackenzie on auxillary percussion..would just be amazing! I mean in many ways Van Halen picked up from where the Beach Boys left off - the sound of sunny California, those backing vocals, I mean Pet Sounds and VH’s Hide Your Sheep tour... Now that I think about it, if Spuds is time-traveling and also has her eye on joining Wilson Phillips, there’s no way she’s gonna pass up an opportunity to be on Pet Sounds...I mean, there’s so much academic research on that album, has anyone spotted this yet?....welll I guess we don’t even know what dogs use to time travel in...I doubt it’d be like a British phonebox parked outside of Brian Wilson’s studio...I mean at that point in the 80s Doctor Who was not held in the highest acclaim...unless like Spuds switched up her means of conveyance when she was hanging out with Bowie...saw Pertwee and was like this dude’s alright...I mean if he ever wants to join Wilson Phillips, he’d be a shoe-in with that cape...so Spuds decides to adopt the traditional phonebox to head even further back in time to Beach Boys HQ while at the same time inspiring the future idea for K9....phooo, I wonder what Spuds woulda made of Tom Baker’s Doctor what with that scarf and Spuds bein used to the Southern California Sun... and speaking of the Sun, coming out from behind storm clouds ya know...1990 seemed to be the year where pop star’s children were making records...cause along with Wilson Phillips, Nelson released After The Rain...and there’s that dog Nelson too in all those memes...not...not in 1990 of course...I mean what even were memes back then... but like woah! 1990 The Replacements put out All Shook Down too....with two dogs on the cover - Spuds and Laika maybe - out on the street looking like indeed raindrops had just been fallin on their heads...I don’t know if Paul Westerberg was refering to Spuds when he named that album All Shook Down but I mean it was the year after Spuds retired...I mean certainly having lived a long and fulfilling life...time-traveling, hanging out with Bowie and The Beach Boys...all the B’s ya know...was around for the first six Van Halen albums...I mean can’t ask for much more...... ...well I guess joining Wilson Phillips ya know...but I mean who knows if that was even on Spuds’ agenda...and not some mere projection that we as a society have imposed on this dog?
6.
You know that song, you know?...It’s Not Unusual? I mean it would be unusual if you didn’t... that’s a heavy tune, man though...It’s not unusual to see me cry, I wanna die...is this like..the o.g. goth tune, ya know? 1965....and then it was so powerful the goths didn’t even know what hit em, no one could even produce another goth song until the late 70s...people finally beginning to get over the fact that Bela Lugosi had died 23 years before and four brave young men from Northampton England deciding to do something about it...Bauhaus of course, though like ya know Bela Fleck and The Flecktones, what if Bauhaus got there first and had called themselves like Bela Lugosi and the, well the FleckTones On Tail... though what am I sayin?...I’ve kinda got hung up from that Free Jazz episode with Bela Lugosi’s Not Dead ya know...there was goth music before 1979...and not just It’s Not Unusual...I mean arguably...I would say Siouxsie & The Banshees and Joy Division were more post-punk though they get lumped in with the goths often enough....heck, even The Doors got reviewed as ‘gothic music’...though gothic is different than goth I’ve always contended...got that extra ‘I see’ like something real annoying you would say I mean maybe Tom Jones should make a statement, clarify who was the second goth act on planet Earth...I mean woah! what if we’ve never heard of these musicians before...maybe Tom Jones could put together like a compilation of goth bands from the late 60s, a wise use of his time... The Shaize is always sayin’ it’s Bob Dylan, heck claiming he was even the first goth with his white face make-up on the Rolling Thunder tour old Zippity Zimmerman tryin to hop over those early Ramones records and beat everyone to the British goth scene But I mean Tom Jones was a trailblazer right from the beginning of the goth movement, a bit of maverick too, he wasn’t wearing all black all the time, the cover of his debut album he’s wearing a red shirt and tight blue jeans, maybe he shoulda been known as Tom Bones...give him more cred in the goth community...though that name can be taken a bunch of different ways, some of which I think he went with ya know...the man had a reputation...and he did the theme to Thunderball, beating Zimmerman on the ‘thunder’ too... but I mean Tom Bones Thunderball, that’d be way too much ya know...then again it’s not like Thunderball was a noir film...imagine if Bond was like in a horror movie, that’d be so crazy but ya know, like that White Zombie song - Thunder Kiss 65...Thunderball came out in 65!...along with It’s Not Usual... and Bela Lugosi was in White Zombie while he was still alive, ya know pre-Bauhaus...White Zombie the film, I might clarify...woo!...and Bauhaus the band, I guess I have to clarify too! woo!....cause Lugosi would have been alive concurrently while the German art school was going on....and Bauhaus writing a tune about Bela Lugosi staying alive until the 90s so he join a band called White Zombie and then die...that’d be far out man...prolly more in tune with the psychedelic scene than the goths...but like what would Bela Lugosi be playing in White Zombie, the band...like seems a bit of a stretch to keep yourself alive for 35 more years just to be doin’ auxiliary percussion...but I mean with all the remakes they do these days...why not have Bond and Tom Jones aka Bones go back in time to the events of White Zombie, the film...and combine these two ideas as long as they’re time travelling...ya know, both the original plot of the film and the later success of the band with a very aged actor who prolly doesn’t even wanna be there anymore at the age of 90, gotta think rock n roll wasn’t really his bag...but! this is why we have the magic of film...have White Zombie in it.. Bauhaus in it too.. for what would be an insanely awesome soundtrack and subplot... or like if Bond and TJ, now trying to shed his goth image- ya know much like William Shatner in TJ Hooker - what if they’re like a wise-crackin crime-solvin duo...Bond n Bonesy ya know...B n B...heck maybe they could fly planes too, just like in Thunderball...well, without sinking em of course...solve crimes that way...Air B n B....Sean Connery and Tom Jones just running a small little bed and breakfast somewhere...though I mean this would set it up as a direct rival to The Persuaders...so maybe to differentiate they could like have the place be fashioned around an old plane wreck...man you could pack a lot of people in like that, use the seats as beds, keep costs down! ...or maybe it should be an old Air Force base, Bond & Bones turn it into a holiday camp!...they’re like organizing activities for all the campers ya know...hopscoth...bear...bear riding...whatever they do at those places...and then like of course crimes unfold...I don’t mean this to be too much like Dirty Dancing...the crime there being that I’ve Had The Time Of My Life, Hungry Eyes, and She’s Like The Wind..could NEVER HAVE BEEN RECORDED IN 1963 WHEN THE FILM TAKES PLACE!...cause I mean like, those are three slots that Tom Jones coulda had on the soundtrack...keepin it real with 60s tunes and whatnot!....I mean, if ever a case needed solving..it’s this one! Though I guess that would make it more like a feature film rather than an ongoing television series...though who’s to say it couldn’t be both!...There are other mysteries to solve in the world!...Who better than Bond & Bonesy?! Of course Tom could adopt the name of a state and become an archeologist...ya know, instead of Indiana, be Pennsylvania Jones! both got four syllables and there’s a large Welsh population in Pennsylvania, the Keystone state you know...I mean a combo of Bond and Indiana Jones... would kinda be everything I ever wanted as a child...well if Van Halen did the soundtrack of course....but I mean would Roth and Tom Jones duet?...woo!...I mean that could be a thang...heck, you’d want Roth along on this adventure too....who’s gonna be the first to scale those high mountains?...I mean of course Bond and Jonesy will join him, they’re no slouches either...can you imagine the three of them, hanging some from cliff face in great peril... seemingly no way out ya know, danger at the top, danger below, danger all around a-go-go...and the three of them hanging there, suspended from ropes that might be cut at any second, dropping them thousands of feet into an abyss below...and they’re taking like a three part harmony on the Beach Boys ‘I Get Around’...cause they know they’ll get out of this...I mean they’re Bond, Roth, & Bonesy...BRB ya know...Be Right Back...of course they will...back to save the world! I mean why aren’t there a million of these films already?
7.
Ya know that song? ‘A Rush And A Push And The Land Is Ours’? By the Smiths, ya know? I mean I get it’s about.. PR..I mean those two words rush and push are basically the same except for the first letter of each...which just so happen to not so discretely be..P & R...I mean I get it, to get your music out there you need a promotional campaign...public relations ya know...phew....but like has anyone considered the possibility...that it was a hint?...that Morrissey and Marr would have liked nothing more than for the Canadian power rock trio Rush...to cover that excellent tune Push by The Cure? What would that sound like?.... I mean maybe that’s what The Smiths were going for in the studio...they say to Stephen Street, ‘we’ve found the formula for a worldwide number one single....we’ve just got to make this song sound like... Canadian power rock trio Rush.. covering Push by The Cure’....and Stephen Street is all “you don’t have to explain who Rush is to me”...huffs off into the drum booth and starts rocking out on those fills from Tom Sawyer...and the Smiths collectively are like ‘alright, I guess we don’t.....but not..Tom Sawyer...like if they were covering Push.. by The Cure’ but I mean also...we’re leaving out the crucial second half of the title...the difficult...second...part of the song name ya know...cause I mean maybe they had some sort of crazy idea for some sort of.. land grab ya know...like the 19th century robber barons.. a bit more difficult to do by the 1980s and..in the pop music world...where land isn’t really the commodity bands deal in or even form to obtain...I mean you can purchase property without ever learning to play the guitar...or what a paradiddle is...I mean I get Dollywood is a real cool place to go but I’m sure that wasn’t Ms. Parton’s sole intention when getting into the game you know ...but whatever their plan, they’re just hiding it out in the open...first track too!...off Strangeways, Here We Come...ya know I had no idea that Strangeways was a prison when I first heard that title...being in America and all, I didn’t realize until years later...I just thought it meant ya know...strange...ways...like bein a little...off-kilter...like so many of us who listened to the Smiths back then seemed to be... but like hiding it out in the open...maybe if they had toured that album, their plan was to have...’the Canadian power rock trio Rush’...keeping the description, the tour sponsors felt, though I don’t why, I mean Rush were pretty big in the 80s....but the Smiths’ pla...n was to have the Canadian power rock trio Rush..be their opening act...but only playing the song Push by the Cure... I mean Rush are known for their prog tendencies ya know...I mean maybe not enough to have them be known as ‘the Canadian power prog rock trio Rush’ but nevertheless...they could easily extend that one Cure song to...well a half hour opening set no problem, depends on how much time they’re given, how long the Smiths boys wanna hear this every night...but I’m sure Rush could even jam out on it for a cool 45 if necessary...get Billy Dee Williams up there for some backing vocals... And Push has that two minute plus instrumental intro..talk about just being a mighty fine pop tune, you know..that you could not have vocals for over a 120 seconds..and still be one of the greatest songs of that decade... I mean this is all conjecture...I don’t know if it would have extended to touring...but it sounds rad, ya know...I mean Johnny Marr prolly woulda joined them onstage a few times...and like he and Alex Lifeson are both such tasteful players, I doubt it would’ve descended into a..Crossroads-style Macchio and The devil guitar battle...Geddy Lee and Neil Peart just pedalling like an E blues riff to show their distaste as to what it’s all become...but I’m sayin NO! that never woulda happened...cause these guys are such top-notch musicians... but like Johnny Marr and Alex Lifeson just doubling up the melody lines.......I hesitate to add but, Eddie Van Halen woulda made it even better!...woo!...I mean Eddie doing one of those divebomb whammy bar things to kick in the vocals would be just the thing...I mean if I had produced The Head On The Door, that’s what I woulda done...I mean it was 1985, Roth had just left VH...the world needed something like this!...and Eddie had played the solo on Beat It...why not this next? alright, I know, I know...you’re all saying ‘what hubris, Young Southpaw!...to try and mess with the pop perfection of The Cure’s Push’...alright! I get you...like when time-travel becomes possible, I won’t try and go back and finagle my way into the studio to suggest adding that to the album.........but I might ..suggest it as a remix!... but like with or without Eddie Van Halen joining then onstage...it would be rad if Rush and Marr went into a bit of Van Halen...right in the middle of their epic 30 minute version of Push...like I don’t know, just launch inta..woah! Push Comes To Shove of course...Geddy steppin up the mic ‘does it seem cold in here to you?’......Geddy Lee Roth ya know!!! but then when The Smiths themselves take the stage to play A Rush And A Push And The Land Is Ours...I mean if they’re touring, who’s taking care of this land grab?...I mean it’s an effective cover story to be out on tour when it happens, especially if you’re nowhere near the land you’re grabbing...but wasn’t it that they didn’t really have a management team that led to the Smiths splitting up?...though is that why the album is called Strangeways Here We Come?...now that I know it’s a prison... are they that concerned, worried even, about this land grab? Though I mean looking at this from a different angle...the Cure are one of the bands that I’ve still never managed to see...and not for lack of trying too...just hasn’t happened yet...and they play for like 3, 3 and a half hours, I mean you can’t play that long without including a couple of Rush covers I would imagine...I mean I wonder which ones they do...’Limelight’ maybe....the Cure had that Orange film...green and orange ya know...secondary colours...that makes sense...I mean I’d love to hear them do YYZ...and again if like you’re watching The Cure, and Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, Johnny Marr, and Eddie Van Halen show up...that’s gonna be real rad........I hope that’s not what I’ve been missing, like it happens every night, it’s even written in the tour programme... I better get Cure tickets pronto!...Presto! as Rush would say... Man, do you think the Smiths will ever get back together though? And I mean how fast would those tickets sell out? And like you know that joke in Mary Poppins - ‘I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith’?...IMAGINE IF THE SMITHS DID GET BACK TOGETHER JUST TO PERFORM THAT SCENE FROM THE MOVIE!....just like a little skit.....that’s it, no songs, nothing else...not even bringing Rush and The Cure onstage for their own version of Push...let alone Eddie Van Halen....but like they could have an encore too because the joke is repeated later on when Michael, the son you know, tells it to the bankers. I mean I’d pay money to see that you know...especially if they did manage that land grab and were performing it on their own turf....much like Dollywood...they’ve got a theatre going on the property, it’s like a desination gig thang...they only have to work like...I mean those two scenes can’t be more than 10 minutes tops...throw in getting to the venue and whatnot...work like a half hour a day for a whole summer season...just rake in the dough...heck, get enough to buy more land...set The Cure up with their own residency...doing all Rush covers somewhere
8.
Rudyard Kipling, you know....I don’t get it..I mean like...a yard..as in rud-yard...you’d think it would be like...kindling...as in like firewood...that you would collect...from the trees...in the yard......I mean kipling, like kippers, ya know the fish........they’re not.. land creatures...I mean I guess..you could put..an aquarium..in the yard, I mean were people doing that in the 1800s?...was that..his family’s line of business? backyard aquariums, ya know...ya’d think they would break!.....against the forces of nature and whatnot...I mean let’s not forget about thieves too, like that INXS album...I doubt they had security parked out back listening for such burglars in the middle of the night...yes, I know the album title is Listen Like Thieves...but takes one to know one, that’s these security guards’ motto....who do you think trained them?....all channeling Michael Hutchence hundreds of years before he even started making records... and like Ernest Hemingway, were his family tailors? sewing stuff up...maybe even making some of their own designs, early prototypes for Duran Duran’s threads....threatening to stitch his mouth shut, that’s why he took up writing...just had to get it out What about Ian Fleming?....was he sick?....or Belgian?... Backyard aquariums though...I mean I’ll freely admit, I haven’t read any Rudyard Kipling in quite a long time, ya know....I had a big ol crush on a girl named Kim when I was twelve but then I read that book and it didn’t have anything to do with it!....didn’t even mention like Debbie Gibson or Tiffany, who were on the radio at the time So I don’t know....then again out East you had like George Orwell, were his family building rowboats?...or I guess rather more to the point, teaching people how to propel a boat properly...row row row your boat, merrily down the stream ya know.....maybe, maybe his relatives had a band!..like The Partridge Family..and Row Row Row your boat was their big selling single on the back of their hit tv show... heck man you can even combine the two...this boating expertise with the Kiplings business...ya know, if they’re big enough aquariums.... then like Anthony Burgess was writing about the East as well, the Malayan Trilogy ya know...can’t really think of what trade a Burgess implies... though ya know there was that real life spy Guy Burgess of the Cambridge Five with Kim Philby ya know...well there you go...I wonder if this is why that crush didn’t work out.... though Anthony Burgess’ real name was John Wilson...ya know like the sporting supply company...made famous by...I never saw the movie Castaway, I’ll be honest with you...last Tom Hanks film I actually liked was Joe Versus The Volcano...though maybe A League Of Their Own was after that...funny that, with the sporting equipment and all...we shoulda seen that coming...though I mean even if I did, I still never saw Cast Away, though I mean it’s embedded enough in pop culture for people to confirm my suspicions....and ya know Anthony Burgess wrote an early version of the screenplay for The Spy Who Loved Me but as far as I know did not write Cast Away...but I mean the man wrote quite a bit, the Shaize’ll tell ya that...woo! then speakin’ a volleyball, ya got that whole beach scene in The Stranger...Camus ya know...but I mean woah! why wasn’t he writing like fantasy ya know?...about creatures that were like..a cross between a camel...and Shamoo the killer whale from Sea World!...easily make those into a movie - Hump Day Just Got That Much Scarier - the slogans write themselves..... and like some non-French speakers mispronouncing his name Kamis cause it’s spelt C -a-m-u-s...Kamis like Kingsley Amis I guess...Kingsley Amis was a big sci-fi fan! He and Camus coulda collaborated!...that woulda been rad...Camus’ and my buddy Jean-Paul Sartre has that line ‘hell is other people’, Kingsley’s son Martin using ‘Other People’ as the title of one of his novels, maybe they DID collaborate!... and then 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea ya know, Jules Verne...that 80s comedian...and then like H.G. Wells I mean you would put in a well with that much water...but then like the Kipling family would prolly wanna get in on some of that hot action...a prime source for their backyard aquariums... Thing is I’ve read a biography of Kipling too, I hadda write a paper about him at school, again nothing to do with my teenage crush Kim, so I was kinda lost...I don’t remember anything about the backyard aquarium business, maybe I was just too distracted...but if I am just plagiarizing the book here, someone please let me know...and I will rescind any claims...I like to give credit where credit is duuuuueee ya know... But like Rud-yard it’s like red too...ruddy red-y, ready steady go like that Generation X song, I mean Billy Idol must have a backyard aquarium....it’d be rad too, got statues of HIMSELF in it...idols of Idol but like I was saying it would red as well as rad, like red desert sands, or that jazz standard Red Sails In The Sunset...heck, red as in the fire the kindling is making....Rudyard, man...guy had his finger in many pies...and not just cherry ya know...wait a second...was that, was that Warrant song..about Rudyard Kipling? but like The Jungle Book....I guess in the 90s it started to become known as The Drum N Bass Book?..but I mean yeah.... I always got confused...cause of Mowgli and then Mogwai from Gremlins and like when the band Mogwai first came out, I thought they had named themselves after the Jungle Book character... but like Mowgli and Mogwai, like that shoulda been a spin-off series... but wait like I’m thinking of Gizmo is the name of the gremlin....I never saw the movie, looked scary when I was a kid, but I assume it was like some anti-Soviet propaganda so beloved in the 1980s...like Red Dawn, ya know that prequel to Caroline In The City...I mean both Red Dawn and Gremlins came out in 1984, riding on Van Halen’s coattails like that...that cartoon of the Jungle Book that I used to watch as a kid came out years before though...ya know with Baloo the bear...went on to play guitar with David Bowie.... but like to keep the alliteration, just switch up Gizmo’s name - Mo Giiiiiiz ya know....Mowgli and Mo Giz...be a wildly successful spin-off series...going on some crazy adventures..starting from the humble beginnings of a..rundown shack housing the family’s backyard aquarium business...it’s been a long time since I saw The Jungle Book too...but they’re doing like a two-man vaudeville act out in the jungle like that...soon Guns N Roses hear of them, take em on as their opening band....but the two Mo’s are trying to keep themselves from being sued by The Three Stooges estate, close enough already with the name Mo, they want their show to be truly original...being about where they come from out in the wild like that...so they ask their management team to start getting them dates with like Tigertailz... remember that band?, White Lion, and Whitesnake ya know...gettin David Coverdale in for some good old hijinx...maybe have him as a stooge out in the crowd to call up onstage like Courtney Cox in the Dancing In The Dark video...the stadium well-lit enough to see all that of course... but get like Gorillaz too, Wolf Eyes, John Cougar Mellancamp! Heck, this could be quite the package tour... be a great movie too...you know Anthony Burgess could prolly write the screenplay ya know if he weren’t..long dead... but maybe ya know dig him up, see if he’d already written one and it’s just clutched in his decomposing rotting hands cause he was just waiting for the right time for someone to discover it, which is NOW ya know...like Van Hagar said, Right Now...ya know I always thought the line after that was ’there’s no tomorrow’, and like there has to be a tomorrow...ya know for this movie to come out...I mean like even if they found this script, even if they dug up the grave in the morning - WHICH I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND ya know, people are gonna see you, you gotta do it under the cover of night...but even if they did do it like right before the dawn like that Judas Priest song ya know...I mean this is a million seller, a multi-million seller, it’s not like they can have everyone in the world read it that very day if there’s no tomorrow...I mean obviously they’re not gonna be able to shoot the movie that same day, they haven’t even read the script...and you gotta plan feature films you know...so there needs to be a tomorrow...like Annie said...which I guess is what Sammy Hagar was kinda saying anyway...the Red Rocker, Annie’s red hair....though of course you’d want Dave songs on the soundtrack, Everybody Wants Some!! ya know...fitting in perfectly with those tribal drums....and Unchained of course, I mean that should be in every movie...heck they should even go back and retroactively put it in every film ever made...Metropolis, Bedazzled both versions, To Catch A Thief all of em...Gone With The Wind, obviously it’s going to be gone if it’s not chained up...Point Break, I mean c’mon ‘one break, coming up’ ya know!....though ugh...this runs the risk of the Dirty Dancing conundrum that Unchained couldn’t possibly have been recorded when some of those early films came out...especially the silent movies...though I don’t know, I think maybe the spirit of Unchained has always been here, keeping us going ya know...just not audibly until 1981... but have Unchained playing in like a scene where Mowgli and Mo Giz are captured ya know...and they’re all like chained up to a wall about to descend into some fire, I’m thinking of something like Temple Of Doom ya know, have a gratuitous shot of the kindling too, keeping that fire going, and I don’t know like the wall moves I guess...and then like David Lee Roth bursts in...followed by James Bond and Indiana Jones...rescues the hell out of em... ...they go on to record a string of hit singles, the five of em ya know...call themselves The Cambridge Five...getting some of Mogwai’s space rock involved with Roth’s vocals over it...I mean woo!....be rad, ya know....get the sound of Dr. Jones’ whip...like on some heavy machinery like Einsturzende Neubauten..yeah I picture Blixa involved in this too!...... ....I don’t know what Bond’s doing...hope, hope he doesn’t feel too left out...but somebody’s gotta keep their eye on the scene in case of any surprise attacks, prolly keyboards then... huh....like this movie doesn’t have anything to do with my teenage crush either....but then again Anthony Burgess wrote it and not Guy Burgess’ partner in crime Kim Philby...I mean young love, eh? though back to them being chained up on the moveable wall, like for the fire down below, speaking of the ol family business, it’s wood that’s got those flames going - kindling, not kipling....though I guess if you’re gonna torture someone, just burning fish underneath them while they’re chained to a wall is just ugh oh man the reek ya know...I don’t want that....I don’t even wanna see it in the movies, one of those John Waters smellavision thangs...John Waters though, I mean I wonder if his family is in the backyard aquarium business?
9.
You know that sooooonnnng?...You know that song - I Saw Her Standin’ There, you know?...That first line man, I mean woo!...I tell ya I was like 4 years old, listening to my mother’s Beatles albums...and I dug what I heard, ya know... but then it’s like ‘she was just 17....you know what I mean’... and I didn’t....I had absolutely nooo..idea...ya know?....how could I? I was only 4...I had not yet experienced what life as a 17 year old was like, all the trials and tribulations of...of what I did not know of course...I knew nothing like it ya know?....I had 13 more years to go!..before I could even begin to comprehend....or get into R rated movies, ya know...I mean why wasn’t there an R rating on this song?...woulda made much more sense instead of that time I was 16 and tried to go see ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ and they wouldn’t let me and my friends in....I mean I think we were close enough in age to understand what was going on...it’s not like I was younger and was gonna assume that that film was about The Beatles NOT writing Van Halen’s Jump...but then somehow Woody Harrelson somehow personifying all of Van Halen proves that they can...Wesley Snipes pulling a Danny Ainge having been in the baseball film Major League too!...I guess Michael Jordan too, though that wasn’t the majors and anyways in the future you know....though dang! both Snipes and Woody were in Wildcats too! A football film! making the hat trick for Snipes...weird man, a hat trick without a hockey film...he should get some kind of award for that!....there is a lot going on here... but these are all pretty American sports, I wonder what The Beatles would make of all this?...I mean they had the money, they coulda funded a Woody Snipes cricket film if they wanted to...or like a trilogy...add rugby in there and...and lawn bowling I guess...be riveting... ....and my point is, that as a four year old...that I didn’t know if this wasn’t what The Beatles were talking about....that this 17 year old woman in the songs somehow represented all these future films...or like prophesied that I wouldn’t get into see White Men Can’t Jump 12 years in the future...I mean had I realized that, I coulda prepared ya know...certainly woulda had enough time...coulda figured out a way to sneak in...and then leave the money for the ticket on the counter on my way out...I don’t wanna rip off Snipes & Woody like this... but imagine if like in 1980 I was sitting there listening to Meet The Beatles and I asked my mother ‘Mama, is this song about Wesley Snipes?’ but like I’m sayin’ I had no idea...and I probably would have been content to carry on having no idea..if The Beatles themselves hadn’t tried to get me to agree with them that I knew what they meant!... and with this...abyss..staring in front of me...calling into question everything I’d ever known....what if I didn’t understand what the rest of their lyrics meant either?...how could I even listen to the rest of the song after this?....the way she looks she was way beyond compare...compared to what?!...compared to Wesley Snipes?!...I mean that dude did alright for himself....and I don’t even know who the her was we were talking about in the first place!...Goldie Hawn?...Rosie Perez?....I know you don’t wanna name names..or kiss and tell...actually I didn’t know that when I was 4 years old, I just wanted to know..what was going on, ya know?....instead of ‘how could I dance with another?’..it was like ‘how can I ever trust anything in this whole wide world ever again?’ there was no warning on the album ya know...and I hadn’t heard that Sabbath song yet...like those PMRC labels that came in the 80s...and even then I don’t recall warnings about potential existential crises due to The Beatles predicting White Men Can’t Jump in 1963 I guess rock n roll was too exciting when it first came out for people to start looking for stuff like this, stuff that could.. melt your mind...I wonder if Sartre saw it? I was just learning to spell too...and I mean that first Depeche Mode album hadn’t even come out yet so you can tell how much trouble I was in...I mean I had a hard enough time distinguishing between Meet and Meat...strangely I knew what cannibalism was at a young age and it didn’t help with this at all...especially when you heard rumors about that Yesterday and Today butcher cover And like meet - m-e-e-t- is like how Beatles should be spelt if you’re talking about the animal, the in-sect ya know, which is all anyone knew of the word before the 60s...ya know, the cultural revolution....but like meat - m-e-a-t - like what you’d get at a butcher’s shop is spelt like how they spell their name....so like were they cannibals? ...or did they eat bugs?...and eat e-a-t is spelled like their name too!... and if they ate beetles and called themselves the Beatles, well that’s like a different form of cannibalism!... did they ever address this in any of their songs? that’d be crazy if somehow an early version of David Lee Roth’s ‘Hot Dog and a Shake’ but by the Beatles surfaced ya know.. just to address this very question but like Sgt Pepper ya know...spicing it up! and that instrumental Cayenne surfaced on Anthology...I mean this was early on, when they were realizing you’ve got to add flavor to bugs and human flesh... Mean Mr. Mustard...I mean why didn’t they call it Lucy in the Sky with Dijon?.....Savoy Truffle, Glass Onion you know...I mean they got their start in Hamburg for goodness sake! And like that Winger song 17...and Wings ya know... woo!...I mean was it the same woman?....like Deborah..Winger?...a fine actress but I doubt she was 17 in both 1963 and 1988 when those two songs came out!....how did McCartney feel about this ya know...wait a minute, is this what the film Legal Eagles was all about?...she was on an episode of Law & Order too...man this is complex! And ya know, they had been luring me into a false sense of security with I Wanna Hold Your Hand...I mean the title alone, thinking they’ll walk me through this...but also like ‘I’ll tell you something I think you’ll understand’!....I mean I didn’t wanna let em down...but I didn’t get it at all...hadn’t even seen White Men Can’t Jump yet....and like I told you earlier, my first attempt was thwarted...despite The Beatles themselves trying to send us messages about getting around the R rating when we go to see it... and then following up the whole Standing There catastrophe...next you go This Boy....well this boy was mighty confused!...I tell ya, man, those three songs...settin up a perfect trap like that...checkmate, ya know....just like Chess Records with all those songs The Beatles used to cover!...woo! this is elaborate....and I chose that word carefully...cause I wish they had elaborated
10.
A New Hope 09:55
I remember my friend Trig’s Dad telling me, I mean he was a huuuuuge..Bob Hope fan growin’ up...1977 rolls around, he hears about this movie..called..’A New Hope’...thinks it’s gonna be the greatest thing, the next advancement in..comedy stylings...ya know, Star Wars, Bob Hope was a huge star.....well Trig’s dad watched the whole thing in just..sheer..bafflement ya know...I mean yeah space, that’s surely where Bob Hope was goin’ next...after touring the world, ya know...but for the first hour or so..nothing.....and then at the end, when they’re gettin’ ready to invade the Death Star?..they didn’t even have Bob Hope continue his tradition of performing for the troops... Bob Hope.. or any new version of him as the title implies.. wasn’t in the movie at all.... maybe they were settin’ it up for the sequels but still, that’s quite a gambit... After he got home from the cinema, Trig’s dad entered into what could only be described as ...a period of derangement...lasting for years too....I mean when we went to see The Muppet Movie, he just started screaming ‘that’s how it’s done!’...and like it would’ve been embarrassing if I hadn’t felt so deeply for the man...Trig, though, man, slunk down into his seat when his dad continued oooon...standing up and addressing the entire theatre with ‘why couldn’t they have done that in space?’...I mean as you can imagine..no one had an answer for him....I remember thinkin’ on the car ride home ‘if Bob Hope had been an ice cream vendor in Star Wars...would it have been that freeze-dried powdery stuff?...or like I mean it’s a movie they could do whatever they wanted...cause like that astronaut ice cream isn’t all that appealing...but like have some exotic flavors on Tattooine ya know... Jawas spilling it all over their robes....I mean you wouldn’t be able to tell what they were saying but the outrage..and comedy therefrom is universal ya know..... or heck those Star Destroyers gotta have a decent cafeteria...and Mos Eisley must have at least 31 space flavors....like I’m sayin’ it doesn’t have to be boring....I wonder like what Chewy woulda had, as his favourite...maybe like a Charleston Chew blizzard...and like can droids eat ice cream?...I mean like I said, it’s a movie, anything goes...if we can believe that this took place a long time ago in a galaxy far far away we can certainly be ok with droids eating chowing down on some oil-based cones ya know...like a precursor to all the vegan alternatives we have now....not that I’m saying vegans eat droid oil... ....but like I didn’t ask Trig’s dad any of this... he was in no state to answer anyway!...and by the time my own father asked me how the movie was, I just said it was good cause we got home late and I was ready for bed...though I did lay there awake thinking about if Bob Hope had been an intergalactic ice cream vendor in both Star Wars and the Muppet Movie like Trig’s dad so desperately seemed to want...I don’t know, would Bob Hope have been worried about being typecast? I mean we all went to see Empire Strikes Back together too...Trig’s dad still holdin’ on to the hope...no..pun..intended, well it wasn’t intended but I like the sound of it ya know...but he was still clinging to the notion that Bob Hope would appear in one of the films of this franchise...and give birth to space-age descendants...much like George Lucas had it as a family saga, he was hopin that the Hope clan would continue on into space...and by this point, Trig’s dad fervently believed that this is what had been promised to us... And Trig’s dad’ll tell ya, he’ll tell you that after he saw it, and he saw it a few times too, which is kinda weird but it explains the strange glimmer in his eye as he were walking out of the movies ya know..after Empire...and he hadn’t stood up and accosted anyone about Bob Hope not being in it....but apparently he skipped work the next day and went back to see it again...came home and kept insisting that...in the scene with all the bounty hunters when Vader’s addressing them about the Millennium Falcon...he says if you look closely enough behind Boba Fett’s left shoulder..that you’ll see Bob Hope smokin’ a cigar... and like obviously he wasn’t an ice cream vendor then, cause like cigar smoke’ll get in the product and change the flavor.......you know Vader’s got strict rules about that sorta thing and of course this leaves it open for a future film..in which one of Bob Hope’s descendents...can start out as an enterprising space ice cream vendor and then like open a whole chain of intergalactic stores!....think of the merch from that, George Lucas!...Darth Hope Dairies or somethin’... ...it was shocking though that he continued to believe it after like the fourth or fifth time he saw it...he took me and Trig back on one of those, gettin’ all excited as the scene approached, elbowing us in the ribs, ‘it’s coming, it’s coming’ you know...and then to me and Trig it was clearly just the bounty hunters and Vader...man, that car ride home...Trig’s dad in complete disbelief that we missed it...repeating over and over again ‘you gotta look quick! I mean the sheer audacity of a scene like that’ .......his words not mine...... and he actually started writing a book called ‘The Audacity Of Hope’...to clarify...to bring his findings to the wider world who were just so wrapped up in the idea of cool ships in outer space that they couldn’t see the finer points of the film...... he never finished the manuscript though, just couldn’t hold his vision together long enough to actually write it, though I heard fragments of it over dinner a handful of times... But this affected him quite deeply, he stopped going to the movies altogether, wouldn’t even take poor Trig to see Ghostbusters...or Flashdance...until!...Spies Like Us came out in 1985 and you had that scene with Bob Hope playin’ golf thru the tent in the desert like that...and I mean that just thrilled Trig’s dad...he was overjoyed...felt those 4 years of heartache were now somewhat worth it to see a scene like that...especially after Roth leaving Van Halen that very year....he really needed something like this, everybody did... the whole desert as an unspoken sand trap pun, that’s hilarious... though we never mentioned the whole Audacity Of Hope thing again...would be too much for him to bear...and then that book title was ripe for anyone to take...I haven’t read the one that did come out...does it address Bob Hope being in Star Wars at all?

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Episodes 41-50 of The Young Southpaw Part Of An Hour podcast, released between August - November 2020. Mastered here as WAVs.

"...wise-fool Southpaw’s ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn’t even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion.” – popbollocks.com

www.youngsouthpaw.com

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released November 12, 2020

released November 12, 2020

Written & Performed by Aug Stone

Cover design & photo by Kelly Hudak.

Thanks to Kelly Hudak, Jim Psarras, & Andy Shea.

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Young Southpaw Connecticut

"From the existential thread that ties Jean-Paul Sartre to Jon Bon Jovi, to the skinny on what’s floating in TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, and the possibility that Al Pacino is coaching boxing kangaroos in space, wise-fool Southpaw's ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn't even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion." - popbollocks ... more

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