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The Lost Archimedes

by Young Southpaw

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Batter Up! 10:33
I appear to be lost. Not in space, but... I mean I guess yeah in space, I mean I am occupying space, there’s space all around me. Just that space is..unidentifiable to me. Hence me bein’ lost, you know. Like that Land Of The Lost show, I used to watch that as a kid. It was really freaky if ya think back on it. Crazy Sheksees or whatever you know. Well wait a minute, I’m thinkin’ of The Dark Crystal, also quite freaky. And it’s Skeksis. Well... Oh yeah, it’s Sleestaks, like a stack of pancakes. But ones you wouldn’t wanna eat. Them bein’ interdimensional reptiles and all. I mean what type of syrup would you put on that? And what does this have to do with me goin’ to, goin’ to.. you know...talk to that...that woman, ya know the one I saw last week? Well I mean if it goes well I guess eventually we might eat some food together at some point. I’ll have to, nah, better notmention interdimensional reptiles at all, especially when asking her out. And I liked the Will Ferrell film, but like what if, what if she doesn’t? I guess best to avoid that too. I wish I could find the landlord of the Lost, ask him just where the heck I am. I’m not referring to that TV show that’s just plain called Lost. I have never seen it, nor am I starring in it right now. Though if the name hadn’t been taken. Well I don’t know if this would be an interesting TV series - just a man, walkin’, you know. Tryin’ to go talk to a, a pretty lady who he saw last week. I’m not even sure she’s at that bar, you know. If I can even figure out how to get there. Maybe I should watch that TV show. Look for clues, ya know like that Robert Palmer song. I mean I’m not addicted to love just yet, I don’t have to face anything. Except for the fact that I don’t know where I am and my phone has no signal. I mean I’d love to talk to Robert Palmer about this but I mean now probably isn’t the best time to have a séance. Especially if I wanna get there before the bar closes. But what if that show Lost did have clues that just might help me to get to where I wanna go. Though I can’t even find a television right now and stopping to watch an entire series, might not be the best use of my time. Again if I wanna get there before closing. And like if I had had the foresight to download all those episodes to my phone, I could be watchin’ them while I walk, though that also seems dangerous, I mean what if I get too engrossed and don’t see a potential reptile attack. Interdimensional or not. And if I did have service out here, I should probably just Google directions instead of watching hours of television that might, ya know, not even have the clues I hope it does. And if you ever truly wanna feel like you’re at a Crossroads in life, ya know the name of that bar I was at last week - well put that word in your maps and watch nothin’ happen. Like you aren’t even here... ...and you know, I mean woo! What am I gonna tell Sartre, you know? When I fall asleep tonight. I guess I’ll have to tell him something either way. If he’s even there, you know you can never control your dreams. Well I guess you can, people have done it, people have...talked about doing it. You can never verify anything in this world. Well except you know those computer things that you have to verify then it says you’re verified, but that’s hardly the stuff dreams are made of. It’s all too simple, it’s not like controlin’ whether or not you’re gonna be visited by Jean-Paul Sartre, the eminent French existentialist, in your dreams. That’s be cool though, if there was like a website you could go to, you know, and just, you know, type in like, a bunch a letters that don’t make sense and...click verify..and ‘I am not a robot etc.’ you know. And then sit down with the old French existentialist himself you know. And have a real heart to heart! Not like that television show, though I mean that would be rad too. You and Sartre bein’ amateur detectives, maybe have one episode where one of you goes on to star in Gary Hart’s presidential bid of a few years later or heck man even combine it with Newhart, which strangely wasn’t the sequel to Hart to Hart but there’s no reason you can’t have them livin’ in an inn in Vermont, bein’ all like ‘this is my sister de Beauvoir and my other sister de Beauvoir’ or like ‘this is my cousin Camus and my other cousin Camus’. Have a big old French existentialist family, just runnin’ an inn in Vermont. I mean surely that’s what philosophy’s all about! I mean are there any websites were you can make all this happen? I mean all those shows are on YouTube, the reference material is out there for some enterprising young developer. I mean what does Sartre even think about YouTube, you know? I mean, man, probably would have blown his mind. I mean the internet wasn’t around back then, but if..if like I’ve conjectured before, if he was, you know, predicting the rise of Van Halen in the 70s, cause he must have you know, you think about existence for so long like that you gotta. Just to give yourself some hope, to give humanity some hope, you gotta be figuring that a band like Van Halen, well not a band like Van Halen, that Van Halen itself is gonna come along you know and just change the face of rock n roll forever. Though I mean in ’77 when he saw that Star Wars was called A New Hope, he might have thought that Van Halen were coming from space. And man too ya know like in Everybody Wants Some, that second verse Roth is all like “uh seeka booboo ladda lookin’ for a moo-pee”, you know. And then the next line is “ya got lost in the jetstream”! IT’S LIKE HE KNEW WE WOULD GET THROWN OFF BY THAT LINE!. I mean is David Lee Roth psychic??. Maybe I shoulda consulted him before setting off on this journey. He could have told me the way to the bar at least. Though I gotta think that that’s not the best use of Roth’s psychic powers... So yeah, I mean, I’m lost. I guess I have to admit it to myself, you know. That’s the first thing, take stock, accept yourself, like the Smiths sang. That’s probably not the best song to base your life on but... And like there’s nothing you can do when technology don’t work, you’re up against the sheer indifference of a machine, ya know. It’s like you can’t apologize to your phone and after a while it’ll stop givin’ you the cold shoulder. Or just be more polite if you’re using a voice command and suddenly it’ll all be like ‘turn left here’ But like politeness is nice, well that’s not even the lyric, thinking of the Smiths again. And Morrissey had that b-side ‘Lost’ too, ya know! And like the first line in that is ‘jet trails in the sky’ JETS AGAIN! And Roth’s pre-Van Halen band was called Red Ball Jet. Imagine if Morrissey had been in that group too! They were like dual frontmen kinda like Bez and Shaun Ryder from the Happy Mondays, I mean that woulda been crazy. I can’t even imagine what that would sound like... But man, maybe I’m just foolin’ myself. I can’t ask my phone for directions but I should ask somebody. F-f-f-foolin’, like Def Leppard sang. Or Def Leppar as I’ve conjectured before, if they’re actually a French band with that spelling. I gotta ask Sarte how he’d pronounce it, man. Heck maybe I should stop the next person I see too, ask them for directions, not necessarily how they pronounce Def Leppard though I mean if there’s time. They say don’t talk to strangers though, ya know. But I don’t know anyone around here, if I see somebody on the street they are a stranger. You know like that Camus book. I don’t wanna kill anyone ya know, and then there’s that A Place To Bury Strangers band, I don’t wanna have to do that either. That sounds messy. Even though it seems to follow on from the Camus novel and neither particularly appeal like we got Morrissey again saying. And you know I, I get to the bar after that and I start talkin’, if I’m lucky enough to talk to that real, ya know, real perty lady and she asks what I’ve been up to this evening and I say I was comin here but I was late cause I had to bury a stranger. I had to ask for directions and in the ensuing melée I even forgot to ask how they pronounce Def Leppard! I mean this is dark stuff. I don’t think she would be inclined to go out with me if this was our first conversation. And at that point ya might as well mention the interdimensional reptilian pancakes. I mean I could lie about what I’d been up to this evening, gloss over the whole blood on the hands things, ya know blood on the tracks, maybe put some Robby Z on the jukebox you know. But you don’t wanna start a relationship off lyin’ like that. I’m runnin ahead of myself here, I mean who said anything about a relationship. But yeah, strangers, well that’s my favourite, well one of my favourite Kinks songs, Strangers. I mean that will just, that will just gut you, you know, it’s such a good tune. Strangers on this road we are on, we are not two we are one. I mean that’s apropos to my situation right now.! And I don’t see anyone in the vicinity
Full Tilt 09:15


"This isn’t your usual spoken word/comedy album where the set ups and punchlines follow each other. It’s far more interesting." - The Quietus

Part II of the trilogy.

Young Southpaw is lost. Trying to find his way back to the bar Crossroads where he saw that pretty lady, Southpaw’s phone has stopped giving directions. It’s now up to his own intuition to guide him, as he ponders how interdimensional reptilian pancakes, the Beatles/Stones rivalry, an action figure of Jean-Paul Sartre in KISS make-up, and so much more will play into his plans to ask her out.


released May 10, 2020

Written & performed by Aug Stone

Cover by Kelly Hudak


all rights reserved



Young Southpaw Connecticut

"From the existential thread that ties Jean-Paul Sartre to Jon Bon Jovi, to the skinny on what’s floating in TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, and the possibility that Al Pacino is coaching boxing kangaroos in space, wise-fool Southpaw's ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn't even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion." - popbollocks ... more

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