Drew In KISS

from Dekalaug 5: 5 & Dime by Young Southpaw

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Episode 42 of The Young Southpaw Part Of An Hour

What would Drew Barrymore’s make up be if she was in KISS? And shouldn’t they collaborate on a Bond film together? Young Southpaw explores

Taking in Never Been Kissed, Detroit Rock City, Cannonball Run, Charlie’s Angels, Firestarter, E.T., Music & Lyrics, Whip It, The Wedding Singer, Love Gun, The Spy Who Loved Me, KISS Meets The Phantom Of The Park, and much more


Ya know like there’s that whole movie, Never Been Kissed, in keeping with the title I never saw it but I mean what I can surmise from the name of the film and the fact that Drew Barrymore was the star is that she is supposed to have never been kissed in her life?!...didn’t we see her kissing in other films...I mean that title and scenario is pretty far-fetched man, a blatant lie, no way you’re gonna fool audience goers like that...can’t suspend their disbelief when they’ve already seen it on the big screen in The Wedding Singer the year before...prolly why I never saw the film

I mean a better premise and what would definitely have me buying a ticket is if it had been about Drew Barrymore never having seen a KISS concert...I mean it came out same year as Detroit Rock City, both in ninety-niiiiiiine ya know...coulda combined the two

Which I guess would basically just be Drew in Detroit Rock City, you wouldn’t really have to change the plot of that one at all!...

OR BETTER YET, HER BEING IN THE BAND ITSELF!...I mean it’s right there in her name with the make-up ya know, Drew!... past tense of ‘draw’...what would she be, have...drawn...be drawing on her face? What would her KISS character be? is what I’m trying to say...

...the extra-terrestrial?.....I....I don’t know if I would buy that, Ace was already The Spaceman...though I mean along with Paul being The Starchild, they could now be The Space Trinity!...The Great Space Coasters.. if they then turned KISS into a tribute act to that 1950’s doo-wop group...

The Firestarter would be cool!...flames on the face!....though kinda take away from Gene breathing fire act, I wonder if he would have that...I mean it would make much more sense for Drew to start spitting the fire herself.....and Kiss doing a cover of that Prodigy song would be rad!

or The Angel from Charlie’s Angels...you know how KISS like to fly all around the arena...and the wings would look cool

or like she produced and directed that movie Whip It...she could be like wearin rollerderby gear...and with a Devo hat ya know...in KISS...

Beverly Hills Chihuahua! Get a dog in to balance out Peter’s Cat make-up

...I mean these last few are from future movies so maybe she would have to have been like...The Psychic!...have cool flowing robes, and like a turban with a giant crystal in the middle...or a monkey’s paw!...Kiss always seemed like they wanted more animals what with Eric Carr being The Fox and all....well now wait a minute this gets a little problematic...cause like if she’s the Psychic already, as a character, she wouldn’t be needing all these other personas that she can see into the future about!...unless like Gene & Paul are letting her change costumes and characters every night!...I mean that would surely sell tickets!...fans are all psyched to hear Strutter and see who Drew is gonna be!...and what instrument is she even playing in the band? I mean she was in that Music & Lyrics film - now I’m not suggesting her KISS character and make-up be..Hugh Grant......what I’m saying is she can co-write tunes! with the boys!..like Desmond Child did ya know...wrote with The Starchild...though I’m not saying Drew’s role should just be behind the scenes...I mean her name implies that she’s got the make-up on and is with them on stage......woah! though what if everyone involved in the KISS organization also wore make-up and had their own characters...like right down to the accountants ya know!...you could have like The Adding Machine...ugh! painting numbers on your eyelids like that, makin me a bit squeamish...or like the tour bus driver could be like..well any number of people from The Cannonball Runs...woo! that would get confusing like well when Roger Moore was still alive if you ever saw him out and about not knowing if it was the famous actor...or KISS’ tour bus driver with incredibly detailed Roger Moore make-up on

But woah! Roger Moore, like in keeping with Drew’s name, I mean I know she’s in KISS because of her first name...but what about her surname, Sir John Barry ya know?!...Barry-moooorrrree.. I mean the name implies a lot of them, and I mean it could mean that KISS should have a line of baritone saxophones..I mean that would be interesting..it certainly would have been another direction for them to go in in the 90s, instead of making those sort of grunge-y albums

but getting John Barry involved, the very Barry they need more of, I mean doesn’t it seem like KISS should’ve done a Bond theme?...I mean Love Gun itself, the title totally sounds like a Bond tune...1977, woulda been The Spy Who Loved Me, woulda been perfect, ya know? Funnily enough that album and the film were released within two weeks of each other, like the Universe wanted them to come together...I mean the film coulda had two main theme songs, cause Nobody Does It Better is pretty great too...Carly Simon, Simon & Garfunkel, Simon & P-Garfunkel, bringin it back to the two Starchilds in KISS and P-Funk...oh man George Clinton totally shoulda done a Bond theme...or heck just have all of em as a supergroup recording Love Gun for the movie...

and ya know John Barry wrote Kiss Kiss Bang Bang for Shirley Bassey in Thunderball...woah! God of Thunderball ya know!...but like now that you’re adding another KISS..have it be Kiss Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Bang!.. goes perfectly with KISS’ whole philosophy

Imagine if KISS Meets The Phantom Of The Park was actually a Bond film!...woah! starring Drew Barrymore...the triumvirate ya know - KISS, Bond, and Drew...I don’t know what sort of international espionage this phantom could’ve been up to at that amusement park in California but I mean don’t worry, Bond’ll sort it out...has Bond ever dealt with the supernatural?...no mind, I am perfectly confident in his abilities, esp if he has one of Charlie’s Angels to help him...and KISS of course...maybe take it to Vegas, you know how Bond loved to go there in the books, his type of town, Diamonds Are Forever ya know, Black Diamonds Are Forever woah! and they got that KISS mini golf course in Vegas...speaking of which...

I mean Drew’s KISS make up could just be Adam Sandler, she was in a ton of films with him...or like the plot twist to never been kissed is that she goes to see the show and Adam Sandler is in the band... as the character of Drew Barrymore...then like she figures out what’s going on through some sort of time travel...goes back to 1978 to record her own solo album along with Ace, Peter, Paul, & Gene’s...it blows up ya know, naturally.... having her leave the band to go solo right before Dynasty...and then like there’s a big reunion in 1999, everyone’s excited that she’s back in the group... but it’s really Adam Sandler in Drew Barrymore KISS make-up!.....

....I don’t know, ya know...just throwin’ out ideas that might be a little more believable than her never having been kissed


from Dekalaug 5: 5 & Dime, released November 12, 2020


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Young Southpaw Connecticut

"From the existential thread that ties Jean-Paul Sartre to Jon Bon Jovi, to the skinny on what’s floating in TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, and the possibility that Al Pacino is coaching boxing kangaroos in space, wise-fool Southpaw's ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn't even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion." - popbollocks ... more

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