Rudyard Kipling, you know....I don’t get it..I mean like...a yard..as in rud-yard...you’d think it would be like...kindling...as in like firewood...that you would collect...from the trees...in the yard......I mean kipling, like kippers, ya know the fish........they’re not.. land creatures...I mean I guess..you could put..an aquarium..in the yard, I mean were people doing that in the 1800s?...was that..his family’s line of business? backyard aquariums, ya know...ya’d think they would break!.....against the forces of nature and whatnot...I mean let’s not forget about thieves too, like that INXS album...I doubt they had security parked out back listening for such burglars in the middle of the night...yes, I know the album title is Listen Like Thieves...but takes one to know one, that’s these security guards’ motto....who do you think trained them?....all channeling Michael Hutchence hundreds of years before he even started making records...

and like Ernest Hemingway, were his family tailors? sewing stuff up...maybe even making some of their own designs, early prototypes for Duran Duran’s threads....threatening to stitch his mouth shut, that’s why he took up writing...just had to get it out

What about Ian Fleming?....was he sick?....or Belgian?...

Backyard aquariums though...I mean I’ll freely admit, I haven’t read any Rudyard Kipling in quite a long time, ya know....I had a big ol crush on a girl named Kim when I was twelve but then I read that book and it didn’t have anything to do with it!....didn’t even mention like Debbie Gibson or Tiffany, who were on the radio at the time

So I don’t know....then again out East you had like George Orwell, were his family building rowboats?...or I guess rather more to the point, teaching people how to propel a boat properly...row row row your boat, merrily down the stream ya know.....maybe, maybe his relatives had a band!..like The Partridge Family..and Row Row Row your boat was their big selling single on the back of their hit tv show...

heck man you can even combine the two...this boating expertise with the Kiplings business...ya know, if they’re big enough aquariums....

then like Anthony Burgess was writing about the East as well, the Malayan Trilogy ya know...can’t really think of what trade a Burgess implies... though ya know there was that real life spy Guy Burgess of the Cambridge Five with Kim Philby ya know...well there you go...I wonder if this is why that crush didn’t work out....

though Anthony Burgess’ real name was John Wilson...ya know like the sporting supply company...made famous by...I never saw the movie Castaway, I’ll be honest with you...last Tom Hanks film I actually liked was Joe Versus The Volcano...though maybe A League Of Their Own was after that...funny that, with the sporting equipment and all...we shoulda seen that coming...though I mean even if I did, I still never saw Cast Away, though I mean it’s embedded enough in pop culture for people to confirm my suspicions....and ya know Anthony Burgess wrote an early version of the screenplay for The Spy Who Loved Me but as far as I know did not write Cast Away...but I mean the man wrote quite a bit, the Shaize’ll tell ya that...woo!

then speakin’ a volleyball, ya got that whole beach scene in The Stranger...Camus ya know...but I mean woah! why wasn’t he writing like fantasy ya know?...about creatures that were like..a cross between a camel...and Shamoo the killer whale from Sea World!...easily make those into a movie - Hump Day Just Got That Much Scarier - the slogans write themselves.....

and like some non-French speakers mispronouncing his name Kamis cause it’s spelt C -a-m-u-s...Kamis like Kingsley Amis I guess...Kingsley Amis was a big sci-fi fan! He and Camus coulda collaborated!...that woulda been rad...Camus’ and my buddy Jean-Paul Sartre has that line ‘hell is other people’, Kingsley’s son Martin using ‘Other People’ as the title of one of his novels, maybe they DID collaborate!...

and then 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea ya know, Jules Verne...that 80s comedian...and then like H.G. Wells I mean you would put in a well with that much water...but then like the Kipling family would prolly wanna get in on some of that hot action...a prime source for their backyard aquariums...

Thing is I’ve read a biography of Kipling too, I hadda write a paper about him at school, again nothing to do with my teenage crush Kim, so I was kinda lost...I don’t remember anything about the backyard aquarium business, maybe I was just too distracted...but if I am just plagiarizing the book here, someone please let me know...and I will rescind any claims...I like to give credit where credit is duuuuueee ya know...

But like Rud-yard it’s like red too...ruddy red-y, ready steady go like that Generation X song, I mean Billy Idol must have a backyard aquarium....it’d be rad too, got statues of HIMSELF in it...idols of Idol

but like I was saying it would red as well as rad, like red desert sands, or that jazz standard Red Sails In The Sunset...heck, red as in the fire the kindling is making....Rudyard, man...guy had his finger in many pies...and not just cherry ya know...wait a second...was that, was that Warrant song..about Rudyard Kipling?

but like The Jungle Book....I guess in the 90s it started to become known as The Drum N Bass Book?..but I mean yeah....

I always got confused...cause of Mowgli and then Mogwai from Gremlins and like when the band Mogwai first came out, I thought they had named themselves after the Jungle Book character...

but like Mowgli and Mogwai, like that shoulda been a spin-off series... but wait like I’m thinking of Gizmo is the name of the gremlin....I never saw the movie, looked scary when I was a kid, but I assume it was like some anti-Soviet propaganda so beloved in the 1980s...like Red Dawn, ya know that prequel to Caroline In The City...I mean both Red Dawn and Gremlins came out in 1984, riding on Van Halen’s coattails like that...that cartoon of the Jungle Book that I used to watch as a kid came out years before though...ya know with Baloo the bear...went on to play guitar with David Bowie....

but like to keep the alliteration, just switch up Gizmo’s name - Mo Giiiiiiz ya know....Mowgli and Mo Giz...be a wildly successful spin-off series...going on some crazy adventures..starting from the humble beginnings of a..rundown shack housing the family’s backyard aquarium business...it’s been a long time since I saw The Jungle Book too...but they’re doing like a two-man vaudeville act out in the jungle like that...soon Guns N Roses hear of them, take em on as their opening band....but the two Mo’s are trying to keep themselves from being sued by The Three Stooges estate, close enough already with the name Mo, they want their show to be truly original...being about where they come from out in the wild like that...so they ask their management team to start getting them dates with like Tigertailz... remember that band?, White Lion, and Whitesnake ya know...gettin David Coverdale in for some good old hijinx...maybe have him as a stooge out in the crowd to call up onstage like Courtney Cox in the Dancing In The Dark video...the stadium well-lit enough to see all that of course... but get like Gorillaz too, Wolf Eyes, John Cougar Mellancamp! Heck, this could be quite the package tour...

be a great movie too...you know Anthony Burgess could prolly write the screenplay ya know if he weren’t..long dead... but maybe ya know dig him up, see if he’d already written one and it’s just clutched in his decomposing rotting hands cause he was just waiting for the right time for someone to discover it, which is NOW ya know...like Van Hagar said, Right Now...ya know I always thought the line after that was ’there’s no tomorrow’, and like there has to be a tomorrow...ya know for this movie to come out...I mean like even if they found this script, even if they dug up the grave in the morning - WHICH I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND ya know, people are gonna see you, you gotta do it under the cover of night...but even if they did do it like right before the dawn like that Judas Priest song ya know...I mean this is a million seller, a multi-million seller, it’s not like they can have everyone in the world read it that very day if there’s no tomorrow...I mean obviously they’re not gonna be able to shoot the movie that same day, they haven’t even read the script...and you gotta plan feature films you know...so there needs to be a tomorrow...like Annie said...which I guess is what Sammy Hagar was kinda saying anyway...the Red Rocker, Annie’s red hair....though of course you’d want Dave songs on the soundtrack, Everybody Wants Some!! ya know...fitting in perfectly with those tribal drums....and Unchained of course, I mean that should be in every movie...heck they should even go back and retroactively put it in every film ever made...Metropolis, Bedazzled both versions, To Catch A Thief all of em...Gone With The Wind, obviously it’s going to be gone if it’s not chained up...Point Break, I mean c’mon ‘one break, coming up’ ya know!....though ugh...this runs the risk of the Dirty Dancing conundrum that Unchained couldn’t possibly have been recorded when some of those early films came out...especially the silent movies...though I don’t know, I think maybe the spirit of Unchained has always been here, keeping us going ya know...just not audibly until 1981...

but have Unchained playing in like a scene where Mowgli and Mo Giz are captured ya know...and they’re all like chained up to a wall about to descend into some fire, I’m thinking of something like Temple Of Doom ya know, have a gratuitous shot of the kindling too, keeping that fire going, and I don’t know like the wall moves I guess...and then like David Lee Roth bursts in...followed by James Bond and Indiana Jones...rescues the hell out of em...

...they go on to record a string of hit singles, the five of em ya know...call themselves The Cambridge Five...getting some of Mogwai’s space rock involved with Roth’s vocals over it...I mean woo!....be rad, ya know....get the sound of Dr. Jones’ whip...like on some heavy machinery like Einsturzende Neubauten..yeah I picture Blixa involved in this too!......

....I don’t know what Bond’s doing...hope, hope he doesn’t feel too left out...but somebody’s gotta keep their eye on the scene in case of any surprise attacks, prolly keyboards then...

huh....like this movie doesn’t have anything to do with my teenage crush either....but then again Anthony Burgess wrote it and not Guy Burgess’ partner in crime Kim Philby...I mean young love, eh?

though back to them being chained up on the moveable wall, like for the fire down below, speaking of the ol family business, it’s wood that’s got those flames going - kindling, not kipling....though I guess if you’re gonna torture someone, just burning fish underneath them while they’re chained to a wall is just ugh oh man the reek ya know...I don’t want that....I don’t even wanna see it in the movies, one of those John Waters smellavision thangs...John Waters though, I mean I wonder if his family is in the backyard aquarium business?