Those Crying Restaurants

from Dekalaug 5: 5 & Dime by Young Southpaw

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Episode 43 of The Young Southpaw Part Of An Hour

“You can’t be breaking up bands just to make salad dressing you know?…All musicians should probably learn that early on, save themselves a lot of pain…”

Young Southpaw searches for the band with the most salad dressing-esque name. At times he is quite horrified with what he finds, while also uncovering a wealth of possibilities

Taking in Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, Fishbone, salad, Salad, New Order, The Replacements, Goldfrapp, Bad Brains, Minor Threat, The Teardrop Explodes, Van Halen, Guided By Voices, The Glove, The Cure, Afghan Whigs, Dinosaur Jr., G Love & Special Sauce, Poison, Pavement, Lonely Island, Future Islands, and a whole lot more

lyrics

I was just making a salad, ya know? And it’s weird like I mean I always listen to music while I’m preparing food and I was just too hungry I guess, I didn’t press play on anything ya know...

got me to thinking though...are there any bands with the names of salad dressings?...or even marinades?

well my first thought was Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, I mean you often have sunflower or pumpkin seeds, well I guess it’s more in the salad itself not the dressing, but ya know like I said it was my first thought - go a little easy on me! - I mean it’s still relevant to the overall picture of the salad...but like first of all you’d want them to be...decent quality seeds, especially if you were paying for ‘em..in a restaurant...they couldn’t have..gone ‘bad’....ya know like that Van Halen song Girl Gone Bad but in seed form...and you wouldn’t want also in this dressing, the remains...of Nick Cave in it...even if it was..one of Australia’s finest songwriters...I mean most likely it’d just be somebody named Nick Cave, you know how business works, so legally they can call this dressing Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds...ugh! I don’t want that..ya know...

Or like.. Fishbone?... you’d choke on that...you wanna keep that away from food...

huh...

huh....

like who else is there...

I mean I know there are other bands in the world besides Nick Cave and Fishbone.. it’s just the question is so mindboggling, it’s got me all in a tizzy..ya know...

I mean...Van Halen..I guess I said them already...obviously that would be an incredible salad dressing but I don’t know what it would contain

The Replacements is odd because it wouldn’t be the salad dressing you ordered ya know...

and if you didn’t like what they offered as a substitute, you’d have to put in a new order ya know...well, this sounds pretty, on paper at least, a salad dressing that is a cross between The Replacements and New Order...actually I can’t even picture it, let alone hardly wait...

and Guided By Voices would be crazy, if it was like moving around! it would be kinda cool, you wouldn’t have to toss the - you know toss the salad in the strictly culinary sense...you just throw this on and some ethereal entity would.. guide it around....that would be amazing!...but it doesn’t really tell me much...about the nature of..what it would taste like...that’s what I’m trying to get at...there’s no band called Sesame Avocado.. that I know of...but that gets problematic cause like what would Sesame Avocado sound like? Would they just cover the theme tune to Sesame Street but as if the street were coated in a thin layer of guacamole?

Bad Brains...that would be a terrible..salad dressing...oo!

though that DC sceeeeeene ya know! Minor Threat had that tune Salad Days!...Though I was making my meal at night!

Salad nights, I mean do goths eat salad? Is this what the Stones ‘Paint It Black’ was about? I mean why would they do that?! Write a tune about the eating habits of the fans of a musical genre that would not exist for another decade or more? I mean do any bands write songs about other genre’s fans... foods of choice.. anyway you know?....Not that I’m even claiming that goths think salad is the bee’s knees or whatever...

the B-52’s!...bombers...exploding salads ya know!... The Teardrop Exploooooodes...I mean that would be kinda rad...ya know those restaurants that people go to to cry at...I mean The Shaize loves those, he goes all the time...I ain’t been with him yet, I mean I get it kinda sounds amusing, the concept, but I think the reality of it once you’re there would be pretty depressing...ya know, just solitary folks...crying alone over their fooooood....

but like this Teardrop Explodes salad dressing would be like a salad dressing that once a teardrop falls onto it..your food explodes! ya know...adds a whole new element to this, this dining experience...I mean it’s a wonderful thing, really shake you out of your sorrow, ya know...very effective...

I wonder if the Teardrop Explodes themselves thought of these things as a band...I mean merch was a lot different in the late 70s/early 80s ya know...EVEN NOW! You nevah see any salad dressings on the merch table ya know...

I mean I wonder if at those restaurants - I gotta ask The Shaize, man...I mean maybe I’ll have to finally get out to one but...I mean does it extend beyond just salad? cause I mean I get if it happens once at the beginning of the meal, over the first course ya know, bring you to your senses, on high alert in case anything else unexpectedly blows up...though woah! I wonder if they have timed seating slots, if it’s that fancy...cause then there’d be like explosions happening all over the room at the same time.. I mean they must have volatile dessert toppings too, I mean I wonder which makes more sense, ya know? to snap out of it a bit before your main meal...or to get all the grieving out and then have a dessert detonate right in front of you at the very end?

but if you actually wanna eat as well as cry, ya know...it’s gonna get quite tedious if say you’re real hungry by the time your entrée arrives and you just happen to shed a tear on it and that explodes too!....and you’re payin’ good money for this!...woo!...

I mean Dinosaur Jr. had that song Puke & Cry ya know...I wonder if, if that was the inspiration ya know? are there like adjacent vomitoriums?....man, I gotta ask The Shaize...

there was also that band Salad...wonderful opportunities for touring package bills ya know...I mean you can’t put Salad on itself...this is like a mathematical thang... I feel like I learned this in high school...if you add salad to Salad it just gets subsumed in the set of Salad...the mathematical set, not the set of musical songs they’re playing...though that would be interesting to combine them both, ya know....is this that new math they’re always talking about?....especially if they were the house band at one of these crying restaurants...the house Salad you know...this sounds like quite the experience, Shaize is always the forerunner on these types of things man

I mean again the nature of business, like you’d think the waiters at these places would be overwhelmed by all the sadness about them, every which way they tuuuurn, just people bawling their eyes out...but I mean of course they get hardened to it over time...and then the flipside being - the upshot for the moguls - is that these waiters are never in danger of crying onto the food they’re carrying ...so it doesn’t blow up before it reaches the customer’s table...clever that, I guess...if a bit cynical..I could never do it...

what about like Goldfrapp... I mean like technically malted beverages are not what you would usually think of putting on a salad but it’s certainly one of the closest band names to that sort of consistency you know? .....look kinda cool too bein’ all goooooooooolllld you know...

Superchunk maybe

G Love and Special Sauce...sauce may be as close as we’re gonna get...though I mean G Love just makes wish it was The Glove ya know! collaboration between Robert Smith and Steve Severin...though I mean The Cure, if this had medicinal properties too....be the craziest restaurant I’d ever been to....and I ain’t even been there yet!

Afghan Whigs would just be hilarious...you’re served this big thing of hair on your plate and you lift it up and it’s like....well maybe like a live raccoon...

I think I’m getting mixed up now though I mean I do not know all the world’s languages...I don’t know if like somewhere the word for salad and the word for live raccoon are synonymous...though I think I was just thinkin of the wig ya know, Psychedelic Furs too...though there’s that Sabbath song Rat Salad...which Eddie wanted to name VH at one point...

I mean the Soup Dragons, why not the Salad Dragons as well...I mean you add dragon to a dish...the name, not the mythical being...

Poison - I mean that’s a big NO, ya know...can you imagine Poison tryin to sell salad dressing, I mean who would buy that ya know...oof!...though I mean fans do crazy things, though it’d make more sense for Brian Jonestown Massacre to do it...actually what if the two of them toured toured together?

Pavement - hard to chew, ya know...no one’s making this easy...ya know

The Dead Boys...I don’t know why these are all the ones coming to me when I’m just trying to think of a simple food, ya know...I mean we’ve already covered cannibalism and I sincerely hope there’s not a bunch of legalise that make it acceptable to name a salad after The Cannonball Run and yet have it contain human flesh

let’s move away from the punk names then....uh... Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians...that’s..I mean how many new bohemians are there in the first place? I mean salads are not that big... it’s usually a small bowl.. or plate if you wanna switch it up...how will these bohemians - even with their alternative lifestyles - how will they fit on such relatively tiny dishware

Pulp?....Pulp might be acceptable, ya know...

Suede...no...especially since salad is most often a vegan food ya know....Super Furry Animals as well, I mean that kinda combines everything there...again a very small plate

there was The French... not to be confused with my friend The French who told me about those infinite hotel rooms..but this was a post-Hefner band, very good stuff

Thousand Island....I guess there’s Future Islands .. I mean if there were 1000 bands with ‘islands’ in the title that would just be excessive...though it would solve the problem...but like ya know Lonely Island too...if like you need to get 1000 Islands....a lonely island...with 999 other islands...isn’t really...well I guess you can still be lonely - you know that whole alone in a crowd thing - but there’s also a chance that with that much company they might not be that lonesome..and you can’t take that risk..you can’t be breaking up bands just to make salad dressing you know?...all musicians should probably learn that early on, save themselves a lot of pain...

...a lot of culinary preparation as well...just buy some salad dressing ya know...don’t take it too hard...though man, I mean how does this sit with the whole starving artist thing? maybe it’s, maybe it’s motivation...keeping you focused on making the big time when you’ll have enough money to be eating in these crying restaurants

I mean if we could just convince 999 to add ‘islands’ to their name we’d be golden!

credits

from Dekalaug 5: 5 & Dime, released November 12, 2020

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Young Southpaw Connecticut

"From the existential thread that ties Jean-Paul Sartre to Jon Bon Jovi, to the skinny on what’s floating in TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, and the possibility that Al Pacino is coaching boxing kangaroos in space, wise-fool Southpaw's ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn't even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion." - popbollocks ... more

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