Why Wasn’t Spuds Mackenzie In Wilson Phillips?

from Dekalaug 5: 5 & Dime by Young Southpaw

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Episode 45 of The Young Southpaw Part Of An Hour

Well, why wasn’t he? Or in Bowie’s band? And why wasn’t Jon Pertwee? Young Southpaw explores these and other questions as well as contemplating the idea of perhaps the ultimate supergroup of Van Halen, George Clinton, Wilson Phillips, and everybody’s favourite 80’s beer-toting canine, Spuds Mackenzie.

Taking in One Day At A Time, David Bowie, Diamond Dogs, Pin Ups, Iggy Pop, Beach Boys, Doctor Who, The Replacements, and much more

lyrics

Remember....Spuds Mackenzie?.... the dog from the 80s Budweiser commercials... the quote ‘original party animal’ endquote...if that helps..I mean if not, just know they tried to use a dog in sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts to sell beer in the late 80s...now I have known some party animals in my day, and they weren’t all as well-mannered as ol’ Spuds...there was usually a lot of carnage involved...I mean maybe that was happenin’ off camera, I do not know... Now the thing is I been getting confuuuuuuuussssed ya know...as to why old Spuds Mackenzie... wasn’t in Wilson Philipps, you know?...and then I remembered that Mackenzie Phillips...Mackenzie is her first name......then I remembered that Mackenzie Phillips...wasn’t in Wilson Phillips...she was on One Day At A Time, ya know...so why wasn’t Spuds Mackenzie...on One Day At A Time...well I guess the answer’s the same...it’s her first name, ya know...and I don’t even know if that dog’s name was Spuds Mackenzie, actors are always taking stage names and what not...and why wasn’t it Suds Mackenzie if we’re talkin about beer, what do potatoes have to do with it?...

and it prolly was a fake identity too cause that dog was a female... but portrayed as a male... ya know, the misogyny of the 1980s...kinda like, well no, I guess it’s the opposite of Lady Stardust...and then Bowie made Diamond Dogs a couple albums later ya know......it seems odd that Spuds Mackenzie...was never in Bowie’s band...locking in the groove with Carlos Alomar...I mean I know dogs age differently than us humans...so maybe spanning both Bowie’s 70s band and Wilson Phillips might’ve been too much for ol Spuds...but I mean have we ever really looked into the idea that dogs are capable of time travel?.....that they already possess that technology...they’re just not overly showy about it....and like, because of dog years...do they time-travel quicker than humans?....I mean they were in space before us...I mean surely, to the human ego, that’s the real Space Oddity...and heck coulda been Zig Zig Sputnik ya know...cause like if you’re the original party animal and you’re at the height of your fame...ya gotta think, if time travel’s a possibility, you’re gonna wanna go party with Bowie ya know... hanging out during the Pin Ups sessions...Bowie’s all painting the Aladdin Sane make-up on Spuds’ face, she’s lovin’ it of course..this is exactly why she went back in the time in the first place...Bowie’s suddenly getting ideas for his next album, what will become Diamond Dogs ya know...

Iggy’s probably around, I Wanna Be Your Dog ya know....playin’ early versions of China Girl...which both of them would record...both Iggy and Bowie...I know of no recordings Spuds did of Iggy Pop material...but this is prolly givin’ Spuds some ideas of her own...I mean ya know Chyna Phillips.. was the Phillips... of Wilson Phillips...wooo, lotta Phillips in that sentence...I almost passed out...

but I know you’re thinking..Hold On..how is this gonna work?...but I mean there’s always the trio of women singing in those commercials...kinda like Wilson Phillips...and Spuds is a drummer in one of those ads...

and alright, you’re prolly now saying to yourself...Spuds first appeared in that 1987 Super Bowl ad...1987, a good two years after Roth had left Van Halen...obviously....I mean people were just tryin’ to cope any way they could ya know...having dogs sell beer on national television...

but like Mackenzie Phillips...One Day At A Time...also...featured Valerie Bertinelli

who would go on to marry Eddie Van Halen! Atomic Punk, Atomic Dog ya know! Yeah, get George Clinton involved!

I mean a supergroup of well all of Van Halen, George Clinton, Wilson Phillips, and Spuds Mackenzie on auxillary percussion..would just be amazing!

I mean in many ways Van Halen picked up from where the Beach Boys left off - the sound of sunny California, those backing vocals, I mean Pet Sounds and VH’s Hide Your Sheep tour...

Now that I think about it, if Spuds is time-traveling and also has her eye on joining Wilson Phillips, there’s no way she’s gonna pass up an opportunity to be on Pet Sounds...I mean, there’s so much academic research on that album, has anyone spotted this yet?....welll I guess we don’t even know what dogs use to time travel in...I doubt it’d be like a British phonebox parked outside of Brian Wilson’s studio...I mean at that point in the 80s Doctor Who was not held in the highest acclaim...unless like Spuds switched up her means of conveyance when she was hanging out with Bowie...saw Pertwee and was like this dude’s alright...I mean if he ever wants to join Wilson Phillips, he’d be a shoe-in with that cape...so Spuds decides to adopt the traditional phonebox to head even further back in time to Beach Boys HQ while at the same time inspiring the future idea for K9....phooo, I wonder what Spuds woulda made of Tom Baker’s Doctor what with that scarf and Spuds bein used to the Southern California Sun...

and speaking of the Sun, coming out from behind storm clouds ya know...1990 seemed to be the year where pop star’s children were making records...cause along with Wilson Phillips, Nelson released After The Rain...and there’s that dog Nelson too in all those memes...not...not in 1990 of course...I mean what even were memes back then...

but like woah! 1990 The Replacements put out All Shook Down too....with two dogs on the cover - Spuds and Laika maybe - out on the street looking like indeed raindrops had just been fallin on their heads...I don’t know if Paul Westerberg was refering to Spuds when he named that album All Shook Down but I mean it was the year after Spuds retired...I mean certainly having lived a long and fulfilling life...time-traveling, hanging out with Bowie and The Beach Boys...all the B’s ya know...was around for the first six Van Halen albums...I mean can’t ask for much more......

...well I guess joining Wilson Phillips ya know...but I mean who knows if that was even on Spuds’ agenda...and not some mere projection that we as a society have imposed on this dog?

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from Dekalaug 5: 5 & Dime, released November 12, 2020

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Young Southpaw Connecticut

"From the existential thread that ties Jean-Paul Sartre to Jon Bon Jovi, to the skinny on what’s floating in TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, and the possibility that Al Pacino is coaching boxing kangaroos in space, wise-fool Southpaw's ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn't even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion." - popbollocks ... more

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