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Infinite Shakespeare

from Hopscotch To Heaven by Young Southpaw

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Ya know that whole idea that if you had an infinite amount of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters
That given enough time they would eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare

Do you think this was what was goin on in Shakespeare’s parents’ minds when they were tryin to decide whether or not to have children?

If like they were only having kids because of their own literary aspirations.
I mean if so, I wonder if they seriously considered the monkey alternative

Cause like first of all, the typewriter wasn’t even invented back then
Though like - It’s a less common saying but I guess it’d be the same thing if you had an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite amount of paper
And jars of ink and quills
Feather pens, ya know, that they used to write with in those days
All infinite of course
Well, I don’t know if it’s the same thing
I mean monkeys don’t really
It’s not a given they can - or will - write in English

That’d be crazy if they wrote something out longhand and when translated from like the ancient dialect of a particularly hip sect of Druids
It turned out to be the complete works of Ol’ Willy Shakes

I mean would Shakespeare’s parents have considered inventing the typewriter?
To aid these monkeys along ya know
I mean this isn’t your usual preamble to amorous activity
I don’t know how many people it gets in the mood to make babies
I guess what I’m saying is
Their decision to procreate and NOT attempt to amass an infinite number of monkeys
And typewriters
Which they’d need to invent first
Or trick the monkeys into inventing
I mean this choice not to do that
Whether out of laziness or sheer venality, whatever it was
This greatly advanced theatre and literature as we know it

People always credit Shakespeare with writing these but I mean his parents made him
Opted not to get all those monkeys together ya know
Though maybe that was their thang
Their particular kin-k

Maybe there were, maybe the saying comes from that there were what looked like an infinite amount of monkeys present ya know
In their boudoir
When they were going to do the deed, ya know
I mean I can’t say for sure, I don’t think anybody can
There’s no record of it, I mean none of his plays deal with this
Unless it’s like hidden in one
Maybe As You Like It
Wooo, subtext, you know
I mean Shakespeare scholars would know better than I

Of course this proves this might not be an either/or situation
Is this like Schrödinger’s Orangutang
I mean, ugh, imagine opening up a box and it’s just filled with an infinite amount of deceased monkeys
And they’ve bludgeoned each other to death using the complete leatherbound works of William Shakespeare
I mean this would have to give mathematicians’ pause, you know
Before they go revealing more secrets of famous playwrights’ parents’ private lives like that

Pause as in P-A-U-S-E
I’m not saying the very same theoretical math professors would then start turning into monkeys
Beginning with their hands
The very hands they’d then be typing with

And who’s to say monkeys would even want to read Shakespeare, you know
Especially with him using the term 'jackanapes' so willy-nilly offensively like that
You’d think they’d wanna like write scripts for Davey Jones, Mike Nesmith, and co.
Imagine that
How good those shows would have been if the writer’s room was packed with an infinite amount of monkeys
Who thought they could do better than William Shakespeare
I mean the series could have run for decades, well into the 80s and 90s
I mean think of the guest stars
Write an episode where The Ramones give Peter Gabriel shock treatment as revenge

Maybe taking a cue from The Beatles song, Everybody’s Got Something To Hide Except etc.
They rewrite The Wizard Of Oz, and just keep flying higher and higher, trying figure out where Icarus went wrong
They start rewriting the Greek myths
I mean this would be gripping television
Making them tons of dough
They could pay somebody else to write Shakespeare


from Hopscotch To Heaven, released June 18, 2022
Words by Aug Stone
Music by the Séance (Papademetrie/Wiggs) (Copyright Control/Copyright Control)

Vocals recorded and track mixed by Sam Carlson at Sans Serif Recording, New Haven, CT 2021


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Young Southpaw Connecticut

"From the existential thread that ties Jean-Paul Sartre to Jon Bon Jovi, to the skinny on what’s floating in TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, and the possibility that Al Pacino is coaching boxing kangaroos in space, wise-fool Southpaw's ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn't even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion." - popbollocks ... more

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