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Dekalaug 6: 5160

by Young Southpaw

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1.
I always found it weird that George Orwell...wrote Funny Farm..ya know.....that Chevy Chase movie where he and Madolyn Smith move to Vermont so he can write a novel...just like Orwell was doing ya know....I mean I’ve pointed out before that Orwell was more of a seafaring man, or at least so his name implies, so heading to Vermont - famous for its lack of ports - well, you see what I’m saying... but again, it’s just a movie, fiction ya know, can do anything....though..woo...Orwell wasn’t his real name, so I mean he must’ve loved the sea...I guess you can row through rivers and lakes too but...wooo, this is problematic...but anyway, real name Eric Blair...I mean I wish they had cast Blair from The Facts Of Life in more of the movie adaptations of his books ya know....heck, Natalie, Tuti, & Jo too!...Mrs. Garrett, she could easily run an inn in Vermont...taking care of the Drummond boys as well! the thing about Funny Farm was..I used to be a huuuuuuuge Sarah Michelle Gellar fan..back in the day ya know...would check smgfan.com on the reg...and I saw that she was in that movie...I mean the internet still claims this!...and I had gone to see Funny Farm when it came out in 88, didn’t remember her at all... so I rented it again, watched it twice!... but I could see hide nor hair of her... and it was weird too, cause you’d think with Buffy...well in hindsight at least...you’d think..Funny Faaaaaaarrrrmmm ya know..have it be about bats, and she’s still a Vampire Slayer...heck have Funny Farm as Buffy’s origin story...I know on a farm bats aren’t really the animals.... Animal Farm..that’s the Orwell book anyway, my point still stands, ya know....have it be about the bats and Sarah Michelle Gellar on this farm...some of the bats are just regular ones ya know...hanging ten, upside dowwwwn....but as we come to learn, others....are actually vampires...there’s your plot right there...that’s the mystery of it all...ya can’t just going killing all the bats... I guess like some of these vampires could be stand-up comedians, hence the name Funny Farm...be a great vehicle for the up and coming comics of the day...back in 88.. It’s weird...ya don’t really have rats on a farm either...well not intentionally...or AT-Ats from..Empire Strikes Back...be too cold on Hoth ...to farm at least...how did those rebels eat?!....you do have cats on farms, ya know hi-ho the derry-oh...so I guess - like anything - this is a mixed bag...a mixed bag of Ats! it’s weird too with like Farm..and Firm...just one letter off, A I woah...Artificial Intelligence maybe they will become one and the same thing...but like...farms you think of outdoors, organic matter, nature ya know...firrrrmmm...put you in mind of offices, right?...all stuffy, cubicles, hangnails...people wanting to get..outdoors...just to breathe...or Firm like that Jimmy Page supergroup ya know...from the 80s...and Zeppelin recorded at farmhouses so he’s covering everything there... it’s also weird cause firms are groups of people but like..they can’t use the old saying ‘there is no I in firm’... cause it’s right there ya know...it’s one of the 4 le- it’s 25% of the word......I’m surprised they didn’t - well, if they spelled it differently, like F-E-R-M..pronounced the same way but ya know...there’s a ‘me’ in there, the M and the E..I know it’s backwards but it’s still 50% of the word, ya can’t argue with statistics like that.......FORM is something different...but FURM again spelling it with a U, well U & I are completely different, there are no U & I in TEAM... no matter what form that team takes...and besides, most team sports are played outside, like on a farm...and Chevy Chase was a sportswriter in that film, remember? Football, all versions, baseball, volleyball - bringing it back to Buffy...Spike ya know...well, a spike is something different on a farm...a Willow too! Dawn ya know...farmers getting up at the crack of.....and Seth Green’s character was named Ozzzz... he musta been a shoe-in for the role!... like the Emerald City from The Wizard Of ya know...and you got the Scarecrow...bringing it back to the farm... and then what grows on a farm, there’s that magical food movie Sarah Michelle Gellar was in, Simply Irresistible, which I was hoping would be about her time in Robert Palmer’s backing band...heck, he shoulda been a guest on Buffy, like a detective ya know...Lookin For Cluuuuuuues I imagine if Orwell had written Buffy The Vampire Slayer, I mean that woulda been...heck using his real name for The Eric Blair Witch Project..coulda brought the two together and become one of the early great supernatural thriller writers...Keep The Apidistra Flying?....sounds like a sci-fi novel right there....giant plants from outer space...descend on Wigan Pier... I mean was Funny Farm the sequel to Down And Out In Paris And London, they wanna get outta the city ya know...oh yeah, he didn’t write Funny Farm.. ...well I wonder if he didn’t write it cause he was going with this sci-fi angle, wanted to be taken seriously as a novelist.... shame though....they were in Redbud, VT in Funny Farm... Rosebud ya know...coulda been his Citizen Kane they wanted the town to be like Norman Rockwell paintings - I mean did Rockwell have a band?.... like Jovi ya know, did he rock them all - well.... I guess he wasn’t really a cowboy...but I bet they have those steel horses in Vermont, ya know the bucking broncos ya ride at bars.... I mean Jovi shoulda been in Buffy too, like he was in Ally McBeal...playing a villain so he don’t get typecast...there’s some Bad Medicine going around the town...Robert Palmer is called in to look for clues...heck why not bring Chevy Chase into it too, reprising his role of Andy Farmer in Funny Farm...I mean he wouldn’t have to eat sheep testicles again...I can’t see that being part of the plot...unless like ya know Robert Palmer insists that Chase’s character is addicted to those...’might as well face it’ ya know...’might as well Jump’...I know y’all thought I was gonna bring 1984 into this with Orwell so there ya go!
2.
Why weren’t they called... The Water Beatles, ya know?.... Like if they were gonna spend so much time in there?!....Octopus’ Garden, I Am The Walrus, I mean, c’mon... heck if they all live in a Yellow Submarine, I contest that that already makes them water beatles....hmmm...though I guess it’s debatable, cause they live in the sub, not technically touching the water themselves...but like legally you could argue, if this ever went to court, that ‘marine’ means water..... and like how did they get in there in the first place...why were they fixing that hole...hmmm?....that could easily have come from water damage... though...oof...getting bugs in a submarine...that’s terrifying, ya know...and like they weren’t a goth band....I wonder if there are any goth Beatles cover bands who change the lyrics to.. primarily deal with...ya know...being trapped in a yellow...or any coloured...submarine.. underwater...that’s full a bugs....I mean prolly make a good horror movie, I would think....Maxwell’s Silver Hammer Horror films ya know... Maxwell’s Demon, making it even scarier....that perpetual motion machine...I mean, talk about sexy....you got that demon sorting the mole-cules ya know....look it up!...and while you’re at it, give Velvet Goldmine another spin....but ya know Maxwell’s Demon, second law of thermodynamics...all that physics stuff....e=mc squared you know... MC Hammer too!....though huh... ‘please Hammer don’t hurt em’ doesn’t really go along the whole Hammer Horror ethos......thoooooouugh ‘ stop. Hammer time’ IS THE PERFECT AD CAMPAIGN....what a complex relationship Horror films have always had with early 90s rap...Ice T, T like the sign of the cross ya know...ward off vampires...though I still didn’t see Leprechaun in the Hood comin’....Deep Blue Sea, you got LL Cool J playing a chef...I mean why didn’t they get Rae-Kwon, ya know?... and the question that’s always been on my mind, why didn’t Kid N Play make Haunted House Party ya know...Halloween special back to the bugs on the submarine...what if they were all singing Can’t Touch This...while the crew is desperately trying to hammer them down...I mean that’d be especially annoying...and really cause I picture it as a drone remix, with like the sound of flies buzzing playing a prominent part in the track... heck, get Bugs Bunny involved too...but ya know, a version of Bugs that would be more appropriate to being trapped in a submarine infested with insects...and imagine what the humans are going through, having to deal with not only this humming and crawling of millions of winged critters.. but also a sarcastic talking rabbit....though oh man the drama when Bugs, bitten to the bone, and unable to fight against this infestation any longer, is finally brought to the infirmary and on his last legs delivers his famous line ‘what’s up, Doc?’... only to have that doctor be.. you guessed it Dr. Frankenstein, who Bugs genuinely believes is a specialist in infectious insect diseases I mean this leaves room for a sequel too!...the same exact film but with Dr. Jekyll heading up the onboard hospital... Heckyl & Jekyll remember those cartoons? the blackbirds ya know...man, McCartney is swift...and then for the third part of the trilogy you got Doctor Robert...fighting these creatures with a revolver ya know... and Hammer and Bugs both distributed by Warner Bros.!...so of course there should be a crossover... a marriage made in heaven....or hell as the case may be.... though perhaps less violent and psychologically damaging than Bugs’ own Marriage Of Figaro... throw a sarcophagus on board just to change up the plot a little...ya know, ‘mother Mary comes to me’... Mother Mary...Mummy, ya know...cause they’re British... and with mummies, you always got scarabs...another type of beetle! I mean I don’t know why scarabs aren’t in every horror film...ya got..scare...right, right in the name...and like how the Beatles are here, there, and everywhere, mentioned daily in popular culture...well scarabs could be the Beatles of horror films ‘in my hour of darkness’, I mean woah! did McCartney compose this..for a horror soundtrack? ...I mean Let It Be was a film!...admittedly not your typical slasher flick... and like ‘when I find myself in times of trouble’...I mean that’s the premise for every horror film ever made...all begins with a spot of bother, ya know... Though man, had they been the Water Beatles, McCartney coulda carried this pretty far...Water Wings, ya know...have that hit Jetski...oo oo etc.....Red Rose Waterway....Band On The Swim...I mean they already got Sailor Sam in there...and rabbits on the run!.....Hi Hi Hi, he’s all rabbits again! and woah!...Christopher Lee’s on the cover to Band on the Run...just put him in a wetsuit...escaping Alcatrazz ya know...and that was one of Steve Vai’s early bands...heck imagine if Hammer put out a film where Paul McCartney and Christopher Lee are trying to escape Steve Vai’s hot licks!...Crossroads Two, ya know...but aquatically... woah! the Crossroads soundtrack came on Warners too!.. as did Eat Em And Smile, that coulda been a horror title...combine it with another Warner film - Spies Like Us, for which McCartney wrote the theme tune...and I’m not saying he should be in prison for that, let alone maximum security like Alcatraz but woah! ‘we get there by hook or by crook’ of course he’s talking about pirates!...taking it back to the ocean... man, I never noticed how Alcatrazz the band is spelt with an extra Z...and yet they’re not a ZZ Top cover band! ...but I mean you need strong legs to make that swim... and oh man...Alcatraz the prison is in the Bay Area, just like where MC Hammer’s from...bring him in on this, finally reconciling with a rebooted Hammer Horror franchise... of course he’s 2 Legit 2 Quit...and we’re talking about the legal system what with Alcatraz and all...but of course with vampire pirates and Steve Vai blasting fireballs off the neck of his guitar from the crow’s nest, with Heckle & Dr. Jekyll of course...Christopher Lee’s Dracula’s taken control of the island...just like in The Man With The Golden Gun....The Man With The Golden Slumbers...maybe he’s narcoleptic, that’s his Achilles heel...got McCartney holed up writin’ tunes while his lawyer played by MC Hammer of course is feverishly working on his case on the mainland...but while all that’s going on, Macca’s secretly working on plans to morph into a bug and escape...opening scene he’s like reading Kafka for some foreshadowing...heck, get Clint Eastwood and Patrick McGoohan in it too.. if we’re on Alcatraz...and of course Iron Maiden if we’re talkin about The Prisoner...heck, this has the makings of the greatest horror film ever made!....get Bugs Bunny to pop out of a real Iron Maiden, completely unscatched, all healed from any signs of insect-ridden disease, and then deliverin’ his famous line ‘What’s up, Doc?’ but in a way that makes you think this has been a documentary all along! woo!
3.
Bands...should make advent calendars...don’t ya think?....that would be rad...I mean I’m not sure how it would work...I mean you’d want a physical one, ya know...I know they can make digital anything, with an mp3 behind each door...but I want the real thing...like Faith No More...kinda strange choice of name for the holy holiday season but there ya go...or maybe even better than the real thing, bringing it back to religiousity again with U2 there.... but let’s just keep it on the straight and narrow, ain’t nothing like the real thing like Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell sang...but I mean someone should make it happen...obviously Marvin Gaye can’t now...I mean his father shot him...but maybe...Guns N Roses....though I mean there’d be all sorts of legal red tape if one of the windows you popped it open and there was gun...all cocked and loaded and ready to go...not really part of the holiday spirit...cocked & loaded though that’s LA Guns...doesn’t matter...everybody comes together during the holidays, right?....but ready to go, red-dy ya know...can certainly have a red rose be behind door number one...ya know, color of Rudolph’s schnozz...the reindeer...not Rudolph Schenker from The Scorpions...though I don’t know...maybe if he’s drunk...or actually got bit on the nose by a scorpion!....I think it’s best for all of us if the Scorpions don’t manufacture any advent calendars....or any merchandise where a real live scorpion could be lurking behind something you open... ...actually though Guns N Roses is perfect ya know...that time of year...November Rain...but again, ya can’t open a window and... well if you could make it rain, like in real life, these advent calendars would be powerful tools of magic...maybe the band Nelson should get in on this...After The Rain ya know...sort of the counterspell advent calendar...I mean they’d clean up!...literally and figuratively....I mean would these windows offer clues, ya know like Robert Palmer was looking for clues...I mean would Robert Palmer, or heck Power Station’s advent calendar offer clues on the windows themselves...like if it looks like it’s raining through the glass then that’s the one you know to open to make it rain in real life?.... but heck like there’s windows and doors ya know!..just hide the rain behind a door or two...but woah! Guns N Roses covered Knockin On Heaven’s Door! old Bobby Z, ya know....of course they’re the perfect band to have an advent calendar...Use Your Illusion, multiple ones you know...these doors are just illusions to be gotten past to the treasure inside....like the Doors themselves said about things appearing as they really are, infinite ya know....and heck, like Welcome To The Jungle, have a welcome mat... then you’re all psyched that it’s gonna be like an infinitely wild jungle smorgasbord just waiting for you behind every one!... like....like a Dead Horse...well no one wants that...for the holidays or otherwise...Bad Apples...again.... Welcome to the Jungle...get a nice welcome mat you know!... they also got that song 14 Years...that would be..a bit...excessive ya know...I mean those calendars are usually what like 25 days...having one 204, 205 times as long as that...well certainly get in the Guiness Book of World Records...but it’s gonna be a struggle man...I mean first off, how long would it take to make........and where would you store such a thing...you might need to build like a whole new city depending on what’s inside it...We Built This City On Advent Calendars ya know, Jefferson Starship could get back together...though might be a legal battle with Guns N Roses over the proprietary rights of the 14 Year size...unless like they joined forces, again in the spirit of the holiday season, and did like We Built This Paradise City On Advent Calendars....I mean if it’s a city you’d think there would be room enough for all of them to live...and LA Guns....though is the name of the city where these are stored and everyone’s living called Paradise City?...cause I mean LA Guns would have to change their name then....Paradise City Guns...this is gonna get confusing!....and like it could just be me, but my idea of Paradise isn’t a city where its main raison d’etre is to manufacture advent calendars that are 14 years long... I mean that’s 5113 days...pretty close to 5150...Love Comes Walking In ya know...in through the out door...man, I know this is sounding like a GNR VH Leddy Zeppy 14 Year Advent calendar would be the ultimate but I don’t know...I mean, that’s a lot a doors...the Doors themselves didn’t have all that many albums...the surviving members might take it as an affront... ...but then like GNR had that tune Anything Goes ya know...woo!...I mean with that sort of attitude they could surely fill all the windows by themselves...and they covered Attitude! ya know that Misfits song....imagine if GNR convinced Glenn Danzig to be one of the treats himself...........man, that’s a gamble...I mean he’d have to wait for someone to buy it and then wait for them to get to his door...all without snacking on any of the goodies inside........and what if he’s the very last day of year 14?!.... I mean would he have his own private stash of supplies...not to be confused with the actual gifts of the calendar...but he’d have to be sure to finish them before they opened his door to prevent any sort of legal trouble over who owns what...but also not consume them too quickly as to be very early on left high n dry .... Def Leppard ya know...and if there’s a def leopard prowling around this thang well forget it... But maybe that’s what Danzig is into...lettin it get down the wire like that...talk about a Rush...and speaking of Rush, they’d surely be one of the ultimate advent calendar bands!...Power Windows!...woo!...could have like a copy of Mark Twain’s Tom Sawyer behind one...an owl behind another, like Fly By Night...if we’re going big like GNR...for the true connoisseur, have a Red Barchetta parked inside another.... oh man if I were Danzig, I would try and get in on that action!...situate yourself behind the wheel of the red barchetta and when they open the door, slam on the accelerator and get the heck outta town...ride on out into glory with your new wheels...by the time anyone figures out what happened, you’re half the world away!
4.
Recastaways 09:48
What if instead of Bob Denver getting marooned on that island....what if it was John?!...I mean he would annoy the hell out of everyone playing his acoustic guitar all the time singing about getting back to West Virginia...landlocked West Virginia....and Leaving On A Jet Plane when there’s no such thing in sight! I mean Maroon 5 really missed a trick here not calling themselves Maroon 7, adding two additional members and each dressing up as the cast ya know... But what if they remade the show with all musicians?....not Maroon 5 of course, they had their chance....but like for Ginger, get Geri Halliwell, Ginger Spice, ya know...woo!....Marianne, played by Marianne Faithful.....the Professor is..Professor Griff from Public Enemy... gets a little tougher after those....I mean The Skipper?.....skip to my lou...Lulu maybe.... and who would play the Howells you know?....Allan Ginsberg?!...doing both roles?...he’d be out of breath....cause you need two of ‘em!....double the fun....well how about 4?...double the fun again! ya know....like twice the impact of that chewing gum commercial!...ya know who chews gum and has the same last names?...Howling at the Moon, the Ramones!...this could have been a special project for them...like in the late 80s..I mean where do you go after RamonesMania?!...they get shipwrecked on an island...huh, though I think they’d wanna be marooned with Gilligan himself.....no offense to John Denver...but like I could see them all switching their leather jackets to Gilligan’s outfit ya know....or I guess like The Ramones might dig it if Tom Hanks was there with the castaways......of course, ya know, before the film Castaway...back in Hank’s comedy days - Busom Buddies, The ‘Burbs ya know...Triple B......Big...the quadrup!... ...unless like maybe the Ramones were gonna do a John Denver covers album...they get stranded on this island and John Denver himself is teaching them the tuuuuuunes ya know!........and Professor Griff works out a way to build a recording studio ....out of coconuts, of course...this could be a big hit for The Ramones, their all John Denver covers record...West Virginia isn’t that far from New York City...the Lower West Side you know......though Denver’s in Colorado...I never understood that....why was he going to West Virginia in the first place...Colorado’s the complete other way!... though I guess it was Thurston Howle the Third...if we’re in New York City in the late 80’s....you know before we get to the island....well of course it’s gonna be all about Sonic Youth....Thurston Moore The Third....and if like Allan Ginsberg doesn’t want to do it, Kim Gordon could play his wife on the show too.... is this kinda like picking a fantasy football team?....cause like there was also Fantasy Island ya know...what if you merged the two!...get Tattoo...heck Bruce Dicksinson could play Mr. Howle - Tattooed Millionaire ya know....and Lulu did the theme to that Bond movie Hervé Villechaize was in!...Skip to my Lulu again...Christopher Lee as Scaramanga...were there ever any vampires on Gilligan’s Island....it wasn’t a whole like Twilight series and I completely missed that aspect of it, was it?....I guess you had Vincent Price on that Brady Bunch Hawaii thing, keeping with the island theme....this now has the makings of the greatest horror movie of all time...at least the greatest horror movie that would’ve starred John Denver.... I think!...I mean, woo...I hope I’m not wrong...if I am, please let me know...if there are other horror movie scenarios where John Denver is marooned on an island with The Ramones, Ginger Spice, and Professor Griff.....I mean what if there’s another one where it was like John Denver, The Dead Boys, Mel C, Television....and Flava Flav...keeping up his reality tv appearances... or like ya know...I mean Bruce Dickinson is a pilot...maybe he makes a special guest appearance!....like flies in to pick up John Denver..so he can leave on a jet plane ya know....but Bruce only has room for one other person...so they draw lots and Marianne Faithfull gets to go with him - but this is done of course so Leonard Cohen can make a guest appearance too...just to sing So Long, Marianne!....to laugh and cry about it all again ya know...cause I mean’s it’s supposed to be a comedy...... I don’t think Leonard Cohen will join the cast though...rad as that might be....though there’s also the danger that with Denver and Marianne gone, the cast is now down to five and Adam Levine and co might be making a hostile takeover!....meanwhile Leonard Cohen sneaks off to go into the recording studio with Bruce Dickinson, Marianne Faithfull, and John Denver which is looking like the raddest supergroup ever!... and like where is this island?!....cause like Australia’s technically an island!...woo!...but I mean rad as it would be to have AC/DC involved, you don’t really get marooned on Australia ...it’s a big, a very big civilized place... heck it’s its own continent...you wouldn’t have to worry about incontinence there like you would being deserted somewhere smaller...and the music scene there is one of the best in the world...John Denver washes up there, he’s gonna have some competition...and also easy access to an airport to get on a jet plane and back to his country roads...unless like he and The Ramones are touring Australia whilst also pretending to be shipwrecked AND! remaking Gilligan’s Island....sounds complicated...though I’m sure Professor Griff can figure it out!...and like while he’s at it, can he like broadcast some coordinates from his coconut radio?!...I mean where was this thing... speaking of coconuts, ya know Kokomo..was that Beach Boys song a clue?!....or was it in a stream?! heck, got Dolly Parton involved this’ll be amazing!...and Kenny Rogers....heck get Kenny Loggins too...Danger Zone, have him get into a dogfight with Bruce Dickinson on one episode, then they realize they’re both on the same side and become best friends....but before they do his co-pilot is Kenny Rogers and hilarity ensues whenever he’s on the radio and says ‘roger that’.....and heck the two Kennys, same name, they can play the Howells!
5.
Ourobouros ya know...snake eating its own tail...I mean, snake tail doesn’t sound appetizing at the best of times.. but ya know like...raw?.....and to a snake itself..a form of cannibalism... just eatin’ it all the time too...doesn’t it ever want something else? ....or just a break...ya know, grab a Kit Kat...even go to a restaurant.... imagine if Party Of Five had dealt with this...I mean that woulda been a rad episode ya know...the ourobouros shows up at Salinger’s, their restaurant...ya know this giant snake..the size of the circumference of the world...without a reservation of course...Jennifer Love Hewitt gets stuck with having to seat it...and figure out what it’s gonna eat for the first time in thousands, maybe billions of years....that it’s had anything other than its own tail....I mean space is obviously going to be an issue...do they politely ask the other customers to finish up and leave....would anyone even want to eat in the company of such a massive ill-mannered snake?....and like does Love Hewitt have to read it the menu...does it know what other dishes are?...while it’s been eating its tail all these years has it been also keeping a keen eye on the cuisines of Northern California?.... or maybe like they could have the episode be an homage to The Godfather......not that giant snakes...or any size...have the hands to hold let alone shoot a gun but you know...it’s allegory...snakes...slippery underworld characters... but that would wild if someone came in to assassinate the ouroboros...gun hidden in the bathroom ya know...but before they get their shots off, the snake’s got its own pistol hidden under the table and somehow manages...well I don’t know, wrappin its tail around itself enough so it can get a purchase on the trigger.. and takes out the would-be assassins...I mean nothing like that woulda been seen on TV at the time... or like maybe the snake shows up for lunch...and he has called ahead...makes the reservation under the name William...holding the phone away from his mouth so they don’t hear him giggling...Claudia, the little sister you know, asks for a last name...and he can barely get it out he’s laughing so hard....finally gasps ‘Boros’....and she’s too young to have heard of any of the beat writers, or at least her character is, so she says ‘right, table for one for Mr. William Burroughs at 1 pm’....and although he’s seen the show, the snake can’t help himself and asks about the dress code...he knows they don’t have one...but he’s thinking about naked lunch... snakes don’t wear clothes anyway... and he’s laughing so hard he can barely hang up maybe this episode is so popular that film execs would start thinking that Jennifer Love Hewitt and the ouroboros would make like the ultimate buddy movie ya know... expand it to I Know What You Did Last Summer...but instead of it being about a murder, cause I mean that’s a bit dark, the film execs have done some polling and while audiences are keen to see Love Hewitt and a giant snake go on some adventures...they thought the brutality of the Godfather homage was a bit too much to continue with...though they’d still like to reference the episode.. ....so maybe switch up I Know What You Did Last Summer to a lighthearted romantic comedy...they have a meet cute - cause Love Hewitt is of course a different character now, albeit one who looks remarkably like herself from Party Of Five - and they’re at a different restaurant on the other side of the country, North Carolina ya know...Merge Records... and the ouroboros is all, excuse me miss, but didn’t you used to work at Salinger’s in San Francisco...and Love Hewitt, now in her role as Julie James , tosses her hair back and explains how she gets that all the time..... but of course she’s seen the episode and knows who the snake is, he’s been getting a lot of attention from that everywhere... his reputation, ya know his actual mythical status has gotten even bigger....but like instead of I Know What You Did Last Summer being about murder, cause as we’ve seen that didn’t do too well in the polls, the title phrase could instead be used as a little joke between the two, referencing the very Party Of Five episode that brought all this about..... the whole crux of the plot is she wants to go out to eat occasionally, like normal couples, but the snake’s been hurt in the past, has gotten shy and just wants to stay in suckin on his own tail... Love Hewitt joshin him every time he goes to do so ‘I know what you did last summer, you went to that restaurant in San Francisco, can’t fool me by acting like you don’t tuck in to a nice spaghetti carbonara every now and then”............jokes like this really carrying the film.......and its sequels but ouroboros man, that’s a cool word, reminds of...Wooly Bully...ya know that 60s tune...‘Woolly bully...etc’ you know how the song goes....’ouro boros... ouro boros’....I mean I know snakes don’t have wool....and aren’t bulls either...I’m sayin’ the number of syllables you know...that tune was at the beginning of Splash...imagine if, instead of Daryl Hannah being a mermaid...Tom Hanks found her as a giant electric eel...eating her own tail...I mean woo!....constantly getting shocked in the mouth..electricity through the teeth...OUCHIES!...that’s terrible...how could you sustain that over an hour and a half long film...I have no idea.......though that’s prolly what would make it a classic...you know the greats make it look so easy... though how would this fit into the Jennifer Love Hewitt franchise ya know...Splash came out in 1984...strange they didn’t use any Van Halen tunes....Van Halen were even originally known as Mammoth...the OG Wooly Bully.....but like in the late 90s if a similar looking snake eel jobbie shows up at the Party Of Five restaurant people are gonna be all ‘hey, weren’t you in Splash?’... and askin’ for autographs... I wonder if these selfsame film execs had tried the ouroboros buddy film idea out much earlier than we previously thought...thinking Tom Hanks would be the obvious sidekick...Boros Buddies ya know...Tom Hanks and the snake are dressing up as women to live in that apartment building....have to give Michael from Newhart the old heave ho...unfortunately but why not have all three, combine forces you know - Love Hewitt, Tommy Hanks, and the snake... maybe like they could make a sequel to Volunteers, have the snake acting like the bridge they’re building..just laying itself across the river for people to walk over....wait a second though, didn’t this happen in Dragnet?!...but anyway that was a different snake...and no JLH! and now that we’ve got the trio...well, this is gonna get a bit complicated...might be stepping on some toes...cause like this cast would be perfect for...Three To Tango!...and that’s Love Hewitt’s old co-star Neve Campbell’s film!....uuuuuhhhh .....with Matthew Perry too!....and like of course the snake is such a hot commodity by now they’re thinking he should have a role on Friends....maybe even take over the whole show...he buys Central Perk....adds a bunch of C’s at the beginning of the name so it’s sssssssssssentral ...ya know ssssss like a snake hissing....Tom Hanks resumes his role at that ad agency from Bosom Buddies...heck get Michael from Newhart back on it too...and why not Bob Newhart....no reason the snake can’t also open an inn in Vermont with its earnings....have it be like Jennifer Aniston’s spin-off series once the show ends.... have her take up her full name of Anastasakis again, that her father you know Victor Kiriakis from Days Of Our Lives shortened....really play up the whole Greek angle...to..you guessed it...play Medusa.......along with the snake!....the two of them running an inn in Vermont...one of the running gags is ‘is that an ouroboros on your head or are you just glad to see me?’...which is funny cause they can’t see her or they’ll turn to stone...and that’s how they build an addition on the hotel, using these statues as the foundation....
6.
Loopy Lou P 10:06
It’s weird that the process of pasteurization.......had nothing to do with cows, ya know....who are out in the pastures.......woo!..blows my mind ya know....I mean Louis Pasteur?.... that’s way too much of a coincidence...was that like...an alias?...ya know... how like Englebert Humperdinck’s real name is Arnold Dorsey....or Cary Grant was born Archibald Leach....he coulda opened a bait shop....or an alternative medicine practice....or combined the two!.... but ol’ Lou-ey chose Pasteur so he could get that cow connection...the double C ya know....like CC Deville...but his whole thang is like the opposite of Poison... so like why would he be using an alias??.........was he a spy?....what do spies have to do with the process of pasteurization... is James Bond then just an allegory for the dairy industry?...was the character of Mathis, ya know of the French Secret Service, the Deuxieme Bureau, based on Louis Pasteur’s exploits?.....maybe he’d go around incognito as half of a pantomime cow........front part of course...he needs to be able to see what’s going on...but then like who’s the mystery man in the back... pastures...fields...was it...........Lenny Kravitz?............the two of them just sidling up to some scientist’s laboratory window, no one’s gonna suspect a cow just standing there chewing some cud...but really Pasteur’s relaying all sorts of valuable information back to Kravitz who’s writing it all down ya know....in the notebooks next to his lyrics....I’ve heard that the back half of a pantomime cow is the perfect place to write songs you know.... this could lead to some trouble if like other scientists are working on the process of pasteurization and want some milk to experiment with and they go to try and get it from this cow that’s half Louis, half Lenny! or maybe this whole pantomime cow thing never happened...I mean I’ve heard crazier stories than a pantomime cow not being involved in the discovery of pasteurization...and like we’re back to a lone gunman theory again...or should I say axeman?! cause what if Louis Pasteur is really just Lenny Kravitz in disguise?!.... he time traveled back to 19th century France to invent pasteurization...though I mean I guess you gotta wonder..why would he do such a thing?... time travel certainly adds a whole other element to Are You Gonna Go My Way.............’I was born long ago’...very first line you know!....or maybe he and Louis Pasteur were contemporaries back then.....rivals even....and like despite them both working hard in the lab, day and night, Pasteur gets to pasteurization first!...which...mighta been known as... Kravitz-ih-ti-zation.............I guess... if it had gone the other way?.....but Kravitz wasn’t gonna be outdone...oh no! It Ain’t Over Till It’s Over ya know?....he decides he’s gonna go vegan and propel himself into the late 20th century, become a rock star!....top that, Pasteur but even there he can’t escape ol Louie you know...it’s like he’s taunting him from the past...teur...... ya know with Louie Louie always playin on the radio...and in Animal House...countless other films too...and it’s by The Kingsmen.. Loueys were the kings of France!....got beheaded but ya know, that’s an occupational hazard...woah! imagine if The Dukes Of Hazzard was really about Louis Pasteur and Lenny Kravitz time-traveling around selling dairy products out the back of the General Lee...be complicated ya know...maybe they could repaint it ...cause like Black Flag did that cover of Louie Louie too...get Rollins in on this! and it’s weird cause Louis Pasteur was born in Dole, France...I mean why wasn’t he working with, with pineapples?....seems a more reasonable thing to be selling out the back of a car with no refrigeration...I mean with dairy products you’d have to keep the AC on all the time..full blast too....or heck, maybe compromise and make a nice pineapple yogurt... you know who I always thought woulda made a great yogurt salesman....with or without the General Lee....well Yogi Berra of course!....and yes, I know, not pineapple yogurt...obviously he’s gonna be doing the berry rounds......bloobs you know...strawbs...rasps...gooseberries blackberries goji berries....and like Goji Berry, Yogi Berra...that almost rhymes!.... Goji Berry Berra ya know...get Chuck Berry to write some jingles for it!....heck Halle Berry too...she was in a Bond film, Die Another Day in the Artic, cold enough up there to not keep the A/C on all the time... but Yogi Berra..ya know...woo!..that guy had a lot going on...I’ve always wondered... does he have an opposite, a counterpart, who is like... a yoga instructor?...named like Baseball Player Berra......WHO ALSO........... HAS A CARTOON NAMED AFTER HIM?...I mean did that cartoon bear do yoga? do bears do yoga?!...I mean like I said Joy Division’s ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’ woulda made more sense as ‘Bears Will Tear Us Apart’ - it’s got the internal rhyme in there too - but like they could tear you apart quicker cause they’re in such good shape from their sun salutations and warrior poses....but then again yoga is a non-violent tradition..........but what about Boo Boo then? I tell ya though man, a show with Lenny Kravitz, Yogi Berra, and Louis Pasteur all chasing each other through time!...trying to steal each other’s inventions....with a soundtrack by Chuck Berry and Henry Rollins....that would be wild!....and with two cartoon bears at a rival yogurt company thrown into the mix....woo!
7.
Synchronized swimming you know...not for the faint of heart...sink, very first syllable right there...it’s like shooting yourself in the foot...and you’d sink even quicker doing that ya know...are guns even allowed in competitive swimming....or even at public pools...for practice ya know....I mean a good thing to have I guess if you encounter a shark....though how many sharks are roaming unawares in public swimming pools...I mean let’s discard the evidence of Jaws III for a moment...that very well may not have been a documentary, as far as I’m aware... but like since it’s synchronized, that implies there’s at least two of you....so like do you shoot the other one’s foot?....so you both sink in unison....I mean this seems dangerous, like if you miss your partner’s toes...bullets can go flying off into the audience...like a more lethal hockey puck....heck, what if it even kills one of the judges....and you’ve just given the performance of your life...what are you gonna do then?....well, I guess the team would have to kill two judges..from the same angle...to give this any semblance of being the intention of the performer’s act...that they should be awarded more points for executing...gotta be a better word....so precisely... though I mean I guess it’s implied but who’s to say the shooting of the phrase shooting yourself in the foot has to mean a firearm...I mean people use other things to shoot with ya know....like shooting the breeze...that’s just talkin’....though I mean a duo each talking to their feet is not what I imagine the riveting display spectators of synchronized swimming are paying to see...unless it’s like in the ocean, outdoors where there’s more of a breeze....and then you got that whole shark problem again... people shoot bows & arrows too...again probably a bit problematic for synchronized swimming...or any largely aquatic events....having to move the arrow through the medium of water...I mean there’s a reason Cupid has wings and not flippers and a tail...though like in Roman mythology, how did that play out?...like when Neptune heard Van Halen were getting back together, would he really not even have thought of giving Cupid a call?...especially when he knows they’re opening with Light Up The Sky!...Cupid’s milieu... though again David Lee Roth had that song Elephant Gun off Eat Em And Smile...bringing it back to rifles and whatnot...what if Cupid was the only one who could get tickets...was Neptune really gonna be that pigheaded about it?....though what if he did make the call and got burned cause instead of concert tickets they were actually passes to an amateur synchronized swimming event....well, if it featured elephants then maybe alright!.... but I mean elephants don’t really swim...especially in like a pool, they’re tall enough to walk right through it...and are they firing guns or bows and arrows....that seems dangerous, especially if they’re not familiar with the rules of synchronized swimming!........or maybe like taking the shoot the breeze interpretation, maybe they were taught perfect English and would spend most of their act talking to their own feet....this sounds more like experimental theatre than an Olympic sport....but I mean often there’s only a fine line between the two!...and how would they hold the gun anyway?....would they like have to wrap their trunk around it to get a purchase...wait a second, can’t they just shoot things out of their trunk to begin with?....would it be forceful enough to make a hole in their partner’s foot is the question...but I mean who said puncture wounds definitely had to be a part of synchronized swimming?! I mean I haven’t read all of the Babar books, was this covered in any of them?....or was there a sequel to Dumbo I don’t know about?....that scene where he gets drunk, terrifying to see as a child... but like that’s so close to synchronized swimming with all the dancing and implied debauchery...I mean they’re ice skatin’, car racin’, and water skiin’ - so close!... and then their trunks turn into trumpets and there’s the giant cymbals just like Alex Van Halen’s gong, I mean admittedly not on fire, that’s like the one thing that’s not happenin’ in that scene from Dumbo...but woah! what if the horns were playin’ like..Unchained!...you can’t not win a competition if you’re using’ that song...though a little close to the bone I would imagine, as there’s probably been some questionable methods of bringing them to the swimming pool in the first place but wait a second, elephants have tusks they can puncture with...like that Fleetwood Mac album ya know...I mean a pair of pachyderms, one’s called Fleetwood the other’s named Mac...properly trained, they could clean up!...and not even by just trying to deceive people that they’re going to a Fleetwood Mac concert... and there was that White Stripes album Elephant...and they’re a duo....was there any synchronized swimming on that tour?...blood red album cover ya know...evoking the whole shooting of the foot... “The Air Near My Fingers” ya know, that perfectly evokes swimming... and of course Van Halen were originally known as Mammoth ya know...I mean that’s a lot of hair in the pool but I’m sure Roth is used to that.... I mean I guess like what I’m trying to figure out is if Van Halen, Fleetwood Mac, and The White Stripes all competed against each other..in Olympic synchronized swimming - or used a team of elephants by proxy -...who would place bronze, silver, and gold ya know...a timeless question
8.
I remember back in 1992 - ya know, the year after the year punk broke - well I was watchin an episode of 90210, and like Brenda comes back from Paris and gives Dylan a charm for his watch chain that reads “je t’aime, Brenda” ... and like I didn’t speak French, had no idea what it meant, but like because a watch tells time, and ‘t’aime’ kinda sounds like time...the two became equated in my mind...I mean I loved that Anthrax song Got The Time ya know....tick tick tickin’ in my head....alright, I know it’s a Joe Jackson song but I didn’t know the original back then...this was pre-internet days, long before you could be watching 90210 and just Google whatever questions you had about the band Anthrax...I did find it confusing however that she would be giving him something for his watch that had the word ‘time’ on it, like he might not know what said watch is for....I mean I know Dylan didn’t go to school all that much...I just remember him sitting up on the roof of his house...people would say he’d be reading Nietzsche..but I never saw it... and like the KLF had just released ‘America: What Time Is Love’ the year before, you know...so obviously the two words are equated somehow...and the decision to re-record their anthem What Time Is Love and stick the word ‘America’ at the beginning points to them prophesying this whole 90210 episode!.....Brenda returning to the States after her summer in Paris... and like she said it as ‘t’aime’ right as the screen showed the engraved words so I knew it was spelt t-a-i-m-e...but Brenda pronounced it completely differently than Taime Down, lead singer of Faster Pussycat you know...I mean, bizarrely, checking the dates now - when I can google things - that third Faster Pussycat album Whipped! came out August 4th, 1992 and the 90210 episode was shown a mere 15 days later, so something was definitely in the air...I mean there’s that song on that third Faster Pussycat record ‘she just loves me for my big dictionary’ - dictionary...Aaron and Tori Spelling you know... I dug those first two Faster Pussycat albums - Shooting You Down - oh man, I just noticed Taime’s last name in there for the first time and like he’s singing it Shooting You comma Down like he’s addressing himself - see what happens when you hang in there for over 30 years.... but like Poison Ivy and House Of Pain were played quite a bit on MTV....this was pre the band House Of Pain and post the Van Halen song off 1984 of course....and Poison Ivy, I’m not implying that that third Faster Pussycat album sounds like what would happen if The Cramps and Van Halen merged into a supergroup - Van Cramps...Vamps Halen - what I’m trying to say is I remember later there was a 90210 retrospective and Luke Perry was talking about a scene he had to do with Shannen Doherty - ya know before she went on to form The Libertines - and they weren’t getting along and but they had to be sitting in a car together and she was holding a cat the entire time before the cameras rolled...I mean, talk about coincidence... the strange thing about it is...that 90210...is not a time...there are not 210 minutes in the 9 o’clock hour...AM or PM...or any hour come to think of it...I mean 3 AM may be eternal but that’s a lot longer than 210 minutes...I think we had to solve that problem in high school math class...and as far as I know, Anthrax never played at the Peach Pit After Dark....maybe that’s for the best...I mean I would’ve been absolutely crushed if they did and Got The Time wasn’t in the set.... and like Cher lived in Beverly Hills ya know...I don’t think she ever stopped in at the Peach Pit either...be rad if she did If I Could Turn Back Time just as Brenda was giving Dylan the watch thing....cause like with a watch, she could literally turn back the time, that’s how watches work, there’s no ‘if’ involved, it’s a totally can do situation...I mean as far as I know...time travel was never addressed in 9-0... I don’t think Iron Maiden’s Somewhere In Time album was either... but woah!....imagine if Eddie made an appearance on an episode!....just shows up at the Beverly Beat offices...wants to sell his experiences about going to the Bahamas to record Piece Of Mind, Powerslave, and well at least the drums and bass of Somewhere In Time... to the paper for an exclusive story or like woah!...the whole thing when Brenda was in Paris was that Dylan had started seeing Kelly...that’s why the whole Anthrax watch moment was so intense...but what if like to get back at Dylan...Brenda started dating Iron Maiden’s mascot?!....I mean Fear Of The Dark had just come out as well that year! you got a more skeletal Eddie hiding up in that tree on the cover...that would surely intimidate anyone...even Dylan McKay..and like I know Ian’s name is pronounced MacKaye...and there’s a couple extra letters there, again with the Spellings....but what if like then, escalating things...Dylan went and joined Fugazi!....woah...like Steve Sanders real name is I-an ....again I know pronounced a bit differently than you think but Ian/I-an and Mckaye/Mackaye right there in the characters and cast..?!....was 90210 some kind of bizarre tribute to Fugazi?... Steady Diet Of Nothing...you can’t eat a peach pit.....Repeater, I mean obviously they were angling to get into syndication.....Red Medicine...Brian Austin Greeeeeeen you know...who played David Silver...Christmas colours, I mean they shoulda all gotten together to do a holiday album....Rockin Around The Bulldog Front....Rudolph The Red Nosed Smallpox Champion... I Saw Mommy Kissing The Glue Man....a medley of I’m Getting Nothin For Christmas and Merchandise...woo! that would blow minds!....and then you had Brandon and Brenda Walsh, who were twins....so maybe the show was originally conceived as The Eagles and Nelson forming a Fugazi cover band... I mean maybe Kelly Taylor was supposed to join Duran Duran at some point...and they would all tour together...Duran opening for a Fugazi tribute act, that woulda been wild... but Maiden’s Fear Of The Dark also had that song Childhood’s End which as the cast was heading into their senior year of high school in 1992, the year that album came out, is very much on the nose! Rudolph’s nose even... they’re all teenagers...so maybe the whole show was a nod to Minor Threat!
9.
So I was thinkin’ how the last show I went to before the pandemic was KISS...it was wild, man ...they were like my favourite band when I was 11 and 12, dressed up as Ace for Halloween, with my friends, we all went as the band, it was awesome ya know..candy and KISS..k-k-k-..k-pow! ...and David Lee Roth was openin’ man! how could I miss that?! It was amazin!.... Roth man, he went Unchained into Panama checkin’ the setlists looks like he does that a lot...and you can see why! the two greatest rock songs ever written...Roth knows, ol Rothy knows... and then KISS came out and like wow, ya know the introduction - You wanted the best you got the best etc., that etc. being the hottest band in the world..etc....I mean they were definitely the hottest band in the world, I could feel the flames from all their pyro way up top in the back...but then like, this was just awesome..halfway thru their set a very nice lady from the venue comes up, starts handin’ out free tickets..for way down below...and we ended up 12th row stage right! it was amazing! my 12 year old self woulda thought this was the best night of my life and it was certainly one of ‘em...woo!...and you could definitely feel the fire down there man, they are definitely the hottest band in the world...and the explosions were so looooooud ya know!..not too loud, I wouldn’t want Gene Simmons to think I was too old...if it’s too loud, you’re etc....Young Southpaw ain’t too old..and I love it loud, well I mean, I don’t wanna just jump on the KISS bandwagon there you know...I like it loud..I like it sounding good..and if it sounds good and it’s loud well then yes but I’m not gonna just do everything KISS tells me to...like if KISS jumped off a bridge, would I?...I mean... huh..prolly be a big reward for saving their lives, though I mean of course I wouldn’t even be doin’ it for the money, but I don’t know how I would catch all four of them and then save myself and all of us...I mean I don’t fly...Gene’s the one with the bat wings ya know...but then like even then it would be difficult!...no disrespect but I’m not even sure the two of us could save the other three and ourselves, much as I would like to...I mean we’d have to jettison the platform boots first of all... Maybe the Red Hot Chili Peppers would already be there waitin’ for ‘em, Under The Briiiiiiiiidge you know?...The Red Hot Chili Peppers are also hot, by definition... I wonder if they ever get into it ya know...tryin’ to decide who is the hottest band in the world...I hope they don’t..come to blows about it... I mean Kiss were even Hot In The Shade, ya know...though you would imagine the area under the bridge also being in shade....the shadows cast from the bridge itself... 7800 Fahrenheit is pretty hot too, bringing Jovi into this... Living on a Prayer but Heaven’s On Fire you know...and KISS were hotter than hell too...wooo I mean Van Halen were literally On Fire on that first record...and stayed so all the way through Hot For Teacher on that run of the first six albums... Roth openin’ for KISS is very interesting in another way in that Gene produced their Zero demos back in 1976 - year of the Fire Dragon, bringing it back to hot stuff...though I don’t think Donna Summer was involved, though that woulda been pretty rad...but like early on ya know, before VH were signed, Gene kinda got them goin’, and he had - and this has always been like a holy grail ya know - he had Eddie and Alex play on three KISS demos - Christine Sixteen, Tunnel Of Love, and Got Love For Sale...I would love to hear these, man..favourite bands of my youth all coming together like that...they were eventually released on Gene Simmons’ Vault but that’s like $2500... or you can pay like 50 grand and he’ll come to your house and deliver it..imagine if he came to your house and then jumped off the nearest bridge and expected you to save him?..........and you had to pay $50,000 for the privilege...I’m glad that..that no one has reported that happening but there were also the rumors that ya know, Gene wanted to get Eddie in the band...which just blows my mind! cause they were still wearin’ the make up at this time...WHAT WOULD EDDIE’S MAKE UP HAVE BEEN??? WOOOOOAAAHHH!! I mean it, it just...it gets my mind way more than bug-buggin’ ya know as they say...those would have been some truly crazy crazy crazy crazy nights I can’t even comprehend - I doubt he woulda had Vinnie Vincent’s make up ya know, being the next design in line, Eddie woulda had to have somethin’ individual to himself...like they all did... Vinnie Vincent though ya know..Vinnie Vincent Invasion, his band after that..and then they all became Slaughter ya know..not Slaughterhouse 5, they did not become a novel that Kurt Vonnegut wrote some 20 years before they formed the band..I don’t want anyone to get confused on that matter... I wonder if it was because there were only 4 of them?... but ya know V V I ! Roman numerals, that adds up to 11..was that like a subtle Spinal Tap reference on Vinnie’s part...I mean, that’s pretty, that’s pretty cool if it was, ya know...though I guess the Roman numeral for ten is not two V’s but rather an X...would that have been a better KISS song if it was called Let’s Put The X In The Roman Numeral For Eleven?... But getting back to the main topic at hand, some would say one of the most pressing questions of the 20th century...and I would be inclined to agree - what would Eddie’s make-ups have been?.....what could it even be ya know?! ...maybe a volcano erupting on his face? that would pretty cool..ya know, Eruption...as long as it didn’t just look like he had a nose bleed... Imagine if Eddie had been in the Tears Are Falling video, ya know, playing Eruption on that set with an active volcano??? ...I can’t think of any like animal or symbol that it would obviously be, from the Van Halen songs ya know...Atomic Punk, maybe..Spanish Fly just doesn’t sound right, unless like KISS were planning on going in like a whole new flamenco direction for the 80s...coulda been interesting...And then he and Gene being the flying ones could easily have saved Paul and Eric Carr who didn’t have any wings jumping off that bridge... Or would he have been The Spider, you know! Like how Gene Simmons wanted to rename Van Halen Daddy Long Legs?.... But how would a spider’s makeup look? I mean the distinguishing feature of a spider is its legs...though whatever facepaint they came up with for it imagine if he like gained spider powers or and essentially had 8 arms to play the guitar with......I mean he revolutionized the instrument with just two!.... what would happen then, it would be music so crazy you wouldn’t even be able to hear it!.... releasing an album called..8180?! VH did have that Lion logo on the 1982 Hide Your Sheep tour, ya know for Diver Down... so maybe like a half lion, half sheep?....with spider legs...woo!.....The Diver Down cover woulda been pretty cool too ya know...again, if it didn’t look like a nosebleed... I mean Hide Your Sheep was the name of the Diver Down tour...was there some crazy farm animal diving board craze back in the early 80s that I was unaware of?...like for a few weeks there you couldn’t stop lambs from barrelling towards the swimming pools of America and just launching into cannonballs and belly flops?....and this is what Van Halen was hoping to capture on that difficult fifth album with all the covers? and like Diver Down we’re back into the territory of them all jumping off bridges again! But like they had the Lion t-shirt with that tour ya know...and like if KISS wanted to go with a lion, especially with white facepaint, and they couldn’t get Eddie you know.. Vito Bratta’s your man... White Lion, ya know.... I mean it’s easy to see if Warren DiMartini had joined KISS, he would be The RAT! Simple as that... But what woulda been kinda cool is gettin’ Viv Campbell in ya know...like if he had joined KISS as The Leopard.....I mean it coulda been Steamin’ Steve Clark or Phil Collen...I mean the time period we’re talkin’ about was right before Def Leppard kicked off...but I think it would be cool if Viv Campbell was the one, being The Leopard in KISS, spelled however you want to - I mean it woulda been weird if they’d spelt it L E P P A R D ...like they were able to psychically predict the future - cause he then went on to be in Def Leppard...but he was in Whitesnake too so hmmmm......could he have been like some sort of half-leopard half-snake type creature...who’s face was instantly recognizable to millions?...a tough call there... I mean we’re talkin’ about 1982 when Ace eventually did leave the band, same year as Diver Down, year before Pyromania bringing it back to the heat... and like Iron Maiden was going pretty strong by that point too...what if they put in the call to Eddie to come join KISS and Iron Maiden’s mascot shows up?...I mean he’d certainly have the make-up...I mean Maiden and KISS did both have records called Killers...people were half-expecting this to happen anway!... but I mean would Eddie’s make up end up just being the stripes he has on his guitar?....I mean that’s pretty complex stuff...be hard to do every night before a show...but it does capture his character...and like what would his character name be?...The Frankenhalen?.....I mean it makes sense, I can see your argument for it... But of course everybody would already know what Eddie looked like from Van Halen, unless.... unless KISS invented a time machine to erase all record of Van Halen’s very existence but...but that would be the worst thing that could ever happen in the history of the universe! Let’s just be thankful that things panned out as they did...
10.
You know that song? You know that song, by the Sex Pistols.... EMI... Unlimited Supply you know...and like how Joan Jett covered it but changed it to MCA because she was on MCA records?...I mean I get it ya know, the tune’s about having troubles with your record company...but like with her label, she coulda gone a different route......tried to get to the bottom of what they were doin’....ya know like Why?.. MCA.... .....asking them their reasons behind all the malarkey....complete with dance moves for the letters... and it would be rad too, all those villagers, the biker, the cowboy, the construction worker etc....they could expand their repertoire from In The Navy...now with Joan Jett... to include the air force as well... but before we even get there like you know ‘Joan Jett’ is the same number of syllables as ‘young men’....so like ‘Joan Jett....doo doo doo doo doo doo........ Joan Jett....doo doo doo doo doo doo’........ and Joan, cause I mean she’s the one singin’, she’s makin the verses like a mockery of the record company listing all their grievances...like a rock n roll festivus.. ...and then she replies in the chorus to these ridiculous charges you know - ‘Y M C A’.... and then you can take this even further cause I’m picturing like...for the video... havin’ a jet pack...and it could be just that I’ve been watching The Mandalorian but like Boba Fett rhymes with Jett, get ol’ Boba in there too....he’s bounty hunting the Village People but like in the spirit of the good times that they represent, he ends up joining ‘em...and heck like maybe at the end of the song Boba Fett takes off his helmet and it’s Joan Jett... ....woooooaahhh!.... I mean she’d have to do it under a different name if she didn’t want everyone to see this coming...maybe like Boba Fett.. & The....though I guess Boba has an extra syllable....Bob Fett?...that just doesn’t sound right...Robert Fett?...fwooo....was Bobcat Goldthwaite actually RobertCat?...RobertCat GoldFett?....beskar would be pretty cool looking in gold you know....Goldyfett & The Goldhearts....Bobcat Goldthwaite’s long-awaited solo album....how bout just Boab Fett?...and the Bluehearts...featuring the jazz guitar stylings of his father Jango.... now where did the Village People come from?....I mean is it the same village The Kinks are talking about on The Village Green Preservation Society?....you know how Boba preserved Han Solo in carbonite......I mean that’d be wild if Han Solo was in The Kinks...or The Village People....I mean most bands would probably benefit from flying the Millenium Falcon into their shows.....except maybe Parliament you know...you wouldn’t want it to crash into the mothership....But Han Solo and the Village Green.....Do You Remember Walter?...well, I remember Han Solo.....woo...that album’s got Johnny Thunder on it too...imagine if Al Green and Johnny Thunders just kept trying to freeze each other in carbonite after Empire Strikes Back came out...what a great game of tag that would be!....the early 80s man, wild times... I mean Boba Fett finally finds Han on Cloud City...you know it’s always raining over there in England... but wait a second, was this village they were all singin about... the very community that The Runaways...ran away from?!....I mean in that case this would be a huge reunion!....complete with jett packs... a lot of tea in those English villages too... boba tea....ya know,woah!..... drinking it up the straw under his helmet... or like Boba T! Boba Fett’s rap persona!.....coverin’ Ice T’s New Jack Hustler but as H-U-N-T-E-R Bounty Hunter...it’s a stretch but ya know... or woah...I mean they’re still making those Leprechaun movies....bring Boba Fett in for a crossover with Star Wars...Joan Jett too! I mean...have the Village People....ever had a spaceman?....can you Go West in outer space.... I mean maybe a construction worker on the International Space Station you know...spots a star destroyer coming up fast and at its helm is a Darth Vader-like figure...but all in green!...the new incarnation of the Leprechaun!....and like Carl Weathers is in The Mandalorian but he was also in Arrested Development...houses still not finished...just like the Death Star....and maybe the empire hires the construction worker and his Village People crew to complete the work!....but like Carl Weathers, I mean we haven’t seen this in The Mandalorian yet but he’s really Apollo Creed in disguise!....... I mean Apollo was the Greek god of the Sun ya know...you can’t see in space without him!....and Carl Weathers and Joan Jett have to like convince the Village People that unbeknownst to them they’ve really been working for the baddies...and then they all join forces to prevent another Death Star from being completed....I mean really Star Wars has to get another plot...but then like just to make it interesting and not keep repeating the exact plots of all the other 9 Luke Skywalker movies, Apollo Creed’s old friend slash rival Sylvester Stallone shows up...and the fate of the Empire and The Rebel Alliance is gonna be decided by an arm wrestling match a la Over The Top...but you know it’s Apollo’s show, he steps in says he’s gonna be the one to defeat Darthy Leprechaun.....but then Joan Jett slides into position, taking off her gloves like at the beginning of the I Love Rock N Roll video, flexin her arm, and she’s like ‘the beat down’s going strong’...meanwhile the Village People are working to dismantle the Death Star..... Darthy Leprechaun has no idea what’s going on... and woo!... the soundtrack to all this...with all these cats tunes!...could really revive the whole Star Wars franchise...and in the process, prove Joan Jett’s point to her record company....

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Episodes 51-60 of The Young Southpaw Part Of An Hour podcast, released between November 2020 - May 2021. Mastered here as WAVs.

"...wise-fool Southpaw’s ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn’t even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion.” – popbollocks.com

www.youngsouthpaw.com

Dedicated to Eddie Van Halen

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released May 31, 2021

Written & Performed by Aug Stone

Cover design & photo by Kelly Hudak.

Thanks to Kelly Hudak.

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Young Southpaw Connecticut

"From the existential thread that ties Jean-Paul Sartre to Jon Bon Jovi, to the skinny on what’s floating in TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, and the possibility that Al Pacino is coaching boxing kangaroos in space, wise-fool Southpaw's ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn't even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion." - popbollocks ... more

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