So I was thinkin’ how the last show I went to before the pandemic was KISS...it was wild, man ...they were like my favourite band when I was 11 and 12, dressed up as Ace for Halloween, with my friends, we all went as the band, it was awesome ya know..candy and KISS..k-k-k-..k-pow! ...and David Lee Roth was openin’ man! how could I miss that?! It was amazin!....

Roth man, he went Unchained into Panama checkin’ the setlists looks like he does that a lot...and you can see why! the two greatest rock songs ever written...Roth knows, ol Rothy knows...

and then KISS came out and like wow, ya know the introduction - You wanted the best you got the best etc., that etc. being the hottest band in the world..etc....I mean they were definitely the hottest band in the world, I could feel the flames from all their pyro way up top in the back...but then like, this was just awesome..halfway thru their set a very nice lady from the venue comes up, starts handin’ out free tickets..for way down below...and we ended up 12th row stage right! it was amazing! my 12 year old self woulda thought this was the best night of my life and it was certainly one of ‘em...woo!...and you could definitely feel the fire down there man, they are definitely the hottest band in the world...and the explosions were so looooooud ya know!..not too loud, I wouldn’t want Gene Simmons to think I was too old...if it’s too loud, you’re etc....Young Southpaw ain’t too old..and I love it loud, well I mean, I don’t wanna just jump on the KISS bandwagon there you know...I like it loud..I like it sounding good..and if it sounds good and it’s loud well then yes but I’m not gonna just do everything KISS tells me to...like if KISS jumped off a bridge, would I?...I mean... huh..prolly be a big reward for saving their lives, though I mean of course I wouldn’t even be doin’ it for the money, but I don’t know how I would catch all four of them and then save myself and all of us...I mean I don’t fly...Gene’s the one with the bat wings ya know...but then like even then it would be difficult!...no disrespect but I’m not even sure the two of us could save the other three and ourselves, much as I would like to...I mean we’d have to jettison the platform boots first of all...

Maybe the Red Hot Chili Peppers would already be there waitin’ for ‘em, Under The Briiiiiiiiidge you know?...The Red Hot Chili Peppers are also hot, by definition... I wonder if they ever get into it ya know...tryin’ to decide who is the hottest band in the world...I hope they don’t..come to blows about it... I mean Kiss were even Hot In The Shade, ya know...though you would imagine the area under the bridge also being in shade....the shadows cast from the bridge itself...

7800 Fahrenheit is pretty hot too, bringing Jovi into this...
Living on a Prayer but Heaven’s On Fire you know...and KISS were hotter than hell too...wooo

I mean Van Halen were literally On Fire on that first record...and stayed so all the way through Hot For Teacher on that run of the first six albums...

Roth openin’ for KISS is very interesting in another way in that Gene produced their Zero demos back in 1976 - year of the Fire Dragon, bringing it back to hot stuff...though I don’t think Donna Summer was involved, though that woulda been pretty rad...but like early on ya know, before VH were signed, Gene kinda got them goin’, and he had - and this has always been like a holy grail ya know - he had Eddie and Alex play on three KISS demos - Christine Sixteen, Tunnel Of Love, and Got Love For Sale...I would love to hear these, man..favourite bands of my youth all coming together like that...they were eventually released on Gene Simmons’ Vault but that’s like $2500... or you can pay like 50 grand and he’ll come to your house and deliver it..imagine if he came to your house and then jumped off the nearest bridge and expected you to save him?..........and you had to pay $50,000 for the privilege...I’m glad that..that no one has reported that happening

but there were also the rumors that ya know, Gene wanted to get Eddie in the band...which just blows my mind! cause they were still wearin’ the make up at this time...WHAT WOULD EDDIE’S MAKE UP HAVE BEEN??? WOOOOOAAAHHH!! I mean it, it just...it gets my mind way more than bug-buggin’ ya know as they say...those would have been some truly crazy crazy crazy crazy nights

I can’t even comprehend - I doubt he woulda had Vinnie Vincent’s make up ya know, being the next design in line, Eddie woulda had to have somethin’ individual to himself...like they all did...

Vinnie Vincent though ya know..Vinnie Vincent Invasion, his band after that..and then they all became Slaughter ya know..not Slaughterhouse 5, they did not become a novel that Kurt Vonnegut wrote some 20 years before they formed the band..I don’t want anyone to get confused on that matter... I wonder if it was because there were only 4 of them?...

but ya know V V I ! Roman numerals, that adds up to 11..was that like a subtle Spinal Tap reference on Vinnie’s part...I mean, that’s pretty, that’s pretty cool if it was, ya know...though I guess the Roman numeral for ten is not two V’s but rather an X...would that have been a better KISS song if it was called Let’s Put The X In The Roman Numeral For Eleven?...

But getting back to the main topic at hand, some would say one of the most pressing questions of the 20th century...and I would be inclined to agree - what would Eddie’s make-ups have been?.....what could it even be ya know?! ...maybe a volcano erupting on his face? that would pretty cool..ya know, Eruption...as long as it didn’t just look like he had a nose bleed...

Imagine if Eddie had been in the Tears Are Falling video, ya know, playing Eruption on that set with an active volcano???

...I can’t think of any like animal or symbol that it would obviously be, from the Van Halen songs ya know...Atomic Punk, maybe..Spanish Fly just doesn’t sound right, unless like KISS were planning on going in like a whole new flamenco direction for the 80s...coulda been interesting...And then he and Gene being the flying ones could easily have saved Paul and Eric Carr who didn’t have any wings jumping off that bridge...

Or would he have been The Spider, you know! Like how Gene Simmons wanted to rename Van Halen Daddy Long Legs?.... But how would a spider’s makeup look? I mean the distinguishing feature of a spider is its legs...though whatever facepaint they came up with for it imagine if he like gained spider powers or and essentially had 8 arms to play the guitar with......I mean he revolutionized the instrument with just two!.... what would happen then, it would be music so crazy you wouldn’t even be able to hear it!.... releasing an album called..8180?!

VH did have that Lion logo on the 1982 Hide Your Sheep tour, ya know for Diver Down... so maybe like a half lion, half sheep?....with spider legs...woo!.....The Diver Down cover woulda been pretty cool too ya know...again, if it didn’t look like a nosebleed...

I mean Hide Your Sheep was the name of the Diver Down tour...was there some crazy farm animal diving board craze back in the early 80s that I was unaware of?...like for a few weeks there you couldn’t stop lambs from barrelling towards the swimming pools of America and just launching into cannonballs and belly flops?....and this is what Van Halen was hoping to capture on that difficult fifth album with all the covers?

and like Diver Down we’re back into the territory of them all jumping off bridges again!

But like they had the Lion t-shirt with that tour ya know...and like if KISS wanted to go with a lion, especially with white facepaint, and they couldn’t get Eddie you know.. Vito Bratta’s your man... White Lion, ya know....

I mean it’s easy to see if Warren DiMartini had joined KISS, he would be The RAT! Simple as that...

But what woulda been kinda cool is gettin’ Viv Campbell in ya know...like if he had joined KISS as The Leopard.....I mean it coulda been Steamin’ Steve Clark or Phil Collen...I mean the time period we’re talkin’ about was right before Def Leppard kicked off...but I think it would be cool if Viv Campbell was the one, being The Leopard in KISS, spelled however you want to - I mean it woulda been weird if they’d spelt it L E P P A R D ...like they were able to psychically predict the future - cause he then went on to be in Def Leppard...but he was in Whitesnake too so hmmmm......could he have been like some sort of half-leopard half-snake type creature...who’s face was instantly recognizable to millions?...a tough call there...

I mean we’re talkin’ about 1982 when Ace eventually did leave the band, same year as Diver Down, year before Pyromania bringing it back to the heat... and like Iron Maiden was going pretty strong by that point too...what if they put in the call to Eddie to come join KISS and Iron Maiden’s mascot shows up?...I mean he’d certainly have the make-up...I mean Maiden and KISS did both have records called Killers...people were half-expecting this to happen anway!...

but I mean would Eddie’s make up end up just being the stripes he has on his guitar?....I mean that’s pretty complex stuff...be hard to do every night before a show...but it does capture his character...and like what would his character name be?...The Frankenhalen?.....I mean it makes sense, I can see your argument for it...

But of course everybody would already know what Eddie looked like from Van Halen, unless.... unless KISS invented a time machine to erase all record of Van Halen’s very existence but...but that would be the worst thing that could ever happen in the history of the universe! Let’s just be thankful that things panned out as they did...