Meet The Beatles & Your First Existential Crisis

from Dekalaug 5: 5 & Dime by Young Southpaw

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Episode 49 of The Young Southpaw Part Of An Hour

Were The Beatles cannibals? And did they predict White Men Can’t Jump?

lyrics

You know that sooooonnnng?...You know that song - I Saw Her Standin’ There, you know?...That first line man, I mean woo!...I tell ya I was like 4 years old, listening to my mother’s Beatles albums...and I dug what I heard, ya know...

but then it’s like ‘she was just 17....you know what I mean’... and I didn’t....I had absolutely nooo..idea...ya know?....how could I? I was only 4...I had not yet experienced what life as a 17 year old was like, all the trials and tribulations of...of what I did not know of course...I knew nothing like it ya know?....I had 13 more years to go!..before I could even begin to comprehend....or get into R rated movies, ya know...I mean why wasn’t there an R rating on this song?...woulda made much more sense instead of that time I was 16 and tried to go see ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ and they wouldn’t let me and my friends in....I mean I think we were close enough in age to understand what was going on...it’s not like I was younger and was gonna assume that that film was about The Beatles NOT writing Van Halen’s Jump...but then somehow Woody Harrelson somehow personifying all of Van Halen proves that they can...Wesley Snipes pulling a Danny Ainge having been in the baseball film Major League too!...I guess Michael Jordan too, though that wasn’t the majors and anyways in the future you know....though dang! both Snipes and Woody were in Wildcats too! A football film! making the hat trick for Snipes...weird man, a hat trick without a hockey film...he should get some kind of award for that!....there is a lot going on here...

but these are all pretty American sports, I wonder what The Beatles would make of all this?...I mean they had the money, they coulda funded a Woody Snipes cricket film if they wanted to...or like a trilogy...add rugby in there and...and lawn bowling I guess...be riveting...

....and my point is, that as a four year old...that I didn’t know if this wasn’t what The Beatles were talking about....that this 17 year old woman in the songs somehow represented all these future films...or like prophesied that I wouldn’t get into see White Men Can’t Jump 12 years in the future...I mean had I realized that, I coulda prepared ya know...certainly woulda had enough time...coulda figured out a way to sneak in...and then leave the money for the ticket on the counter on my way out...I don’t wanna rip off Snipes & Woody like this...

but imagine if like in 1980 I was sitting there listening to Meet The Beatles and I asked my mother ‘Mama, is this song about Wesley Snipes?’

but like I’m sayin’ I had no idea...and I probably would have been content to carry on having no idea..if The Beatles themselves hadn’t tried to get me to agree with them that I knew what they meant!...

and with this...abyss..staring in front of me...calling into question everything I’d ever known....what if I didn’t understand what the rest of their lyrics meant either?...how could I even listen to the rest of the song after this?....the way she looks she was way beyond compare...compared to what?!...compared to Wesley Snipes?!...I mean that dude did alright for himself....and I don’t even know who the her was we were talking about in the first place!...Goldie Hawn?...Rosie Perez?....I know you don’t wanna name names..or kiss and tell...actually I didn’t know that when I was 4 years old, I just wanted to know..what was going on, ya know?....instead of ‘how could I dance with another?’..it was like ‘how can I ever trust anything in this whole wide world ever again?’

there was no warning on the album ya know...and I hadn’t heard that Sabbath song yet...like those PMRC labels that came in the 80s...and even then I don’t recall warnings about potential existential crises due to The Beatles predicting White Men Can’t Jump in 1963

I guess rock n roll was too exciting when it first came out for people to start looking for stuff like this, stuff that could.. melt your mind...I wonder if Sartre saw it?

I was just learning to spell too...and I mean that first Depeche Mode album hadn’t even come out yet so you can tell how much trouble I was in...I mean I had a hard enough time distinguishing between Meet and Meat...strangely I knew what cannibalism was at a young age and it didn’t help with this at all...especially when you heard rumors about that Yesterday and Today butcher cover

And like meet - m-e-e-t- is like how Beatles should be spelt if you’re talking about the animal, the in-sect ya know, which is all anyone knew of the word before the 60s...ya know, the cultural revolution....but like meat - m-e-a-t - like what you’d get at a butcher’s shop is spelt like how they spell their name....so like were they cannibals?

...or did they eat bugs?...and eat e-a-t is spelled like their name too!... and if they ate beetles and called themselves the Beatles, well that’s like a different form of cannibalism!... did they ever address this in any of their songs?

that’d be crazy if somehow an early version of David Lee Roth’s ‘Hot Dog and a Shake’ but by the Beatles surfaced ya know.. just to address this very question

but like Sgt Pepper ya know...spicing it up! and that instrumental Cayenne surfaced on Anthology...I mean this was early on, when they were realizing you’ve got to add flavor to bugs and human flesh... Mean Mr. Mustard...I mean why didn’t they call it Lucy in the Sky with Dijon?.....Savoy Truffle, Glass Onion you know...I mean they got their start in Hamburg for goodness sake!


And like that Winger song 17...and Wings ya know... woo!...I mean was it the same woman?....like Deborah..Winger?...a fine actress but I doubt she was 17 in both 1963 and 1988 when those two songs came out!....how did McCartney feel about this ya know...wait a minute, is this what the film Legal Eagles was all about?...she was on an episode of Law & Order too...man this is complex!

And ya know, they had been luring me into a false sense of security with I Wanna Hold Your Hand...I mean the title alone, thinking they’ll walk me through this...but also like ‘I’ll tell you something I think you’ll understand’!....I mean I didn’t wanna let em down...but I didn’t get it at all...hadn’t even seen White Men Can’t Jump yet....and like I told you earlier, my first attempt was thwarted...despite The Beatles themselves trying to send us messages about getting around the R rating when we go to see it...

and then following up the whole Standing There catastrophe...next you go This Boy....well this boy was mighty confused!...I tell ya, man, those three songs...settin up a perfect trap like that...checkmate, ya know....just like Chess Records with all those songs The Beatles used to cover!...woo! this is elaborate....and I chose that word carefully...cause I wish they had elaborated

credits

from Dekalaug 5: 5 & Dime, released November 12, 2020

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Young Southpaw Connecticut

"From the existential thread that ties Jean-Paul Sartre to Jon Bon Jovi, to the skinny on what’s floating in TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, and the possibility that Al Pacino is coaching boxing kangaroos in space, wise-fool Southpaw's ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn't even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion." - popbollocks ... more

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