The 1982 World Cup Final

from Dekalaug 4: 4th & Ten by Young Southpaw

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I’ve been reading Dutch football legend Johan Cruyff’s autobiography ya know... and like although he played until 1984, his last World Cup was a decade before that....and like the Netherlands took second place to West Germany which was where the match was being played too...but I mean Kraftwerk was busy recordin Autobahn in 1974, of course the odds were stacked against anybody playin West Germany

and then like Cruyff retired from international play in 1977, a year before the next World Cup, and the Netherlands were runners up then too

so I’ve been thinkin’, like it’s such a shame that Cruyff never got to experience being a World Champion like that...so like what can be done about this...it’s weird cause Holland didn’t even qualify for the next one in 1982...but still like you’d wanna show Cruyff your appreciation of his talent and mastery of the game before he retires completely

so like what if instead of the 1982 World Cup final, instead of it bein’ West Germany vs. Italy, what we know of as the final, that game was instead the semi-final... and the winner of that went on to play....Van Halen...another Dutch powerhouse...and yeah, just the four members of the band ya know...it’d be wild

I’m not sayin Van Halen would’ve played the whole tournament, mind you...

they’d just go straight to the final...without having played any previous matches...at all...on the strength of them just bein awesome

and I mean 1984 wasn’t even out yet, they weren’t even at their peak...but of course they had the strength of Unchained, ya know, destroy anybody...

and checkin that 82 setlist, they’d open with Romeo Delight and go inta Unchained...how can you stop that?!

Well I guess it would be a little weird if Van Halen weren’t in it for the whole thang..but then you just assume they would win ya know...and like of course it would take away from the drama of the big reveal...now is this a secret to the rest of the world?...ya know like that song off Diver Down, Secrets...do the teams know about it? cause I mean imagine the exhilaration of believing you are world champions after a gruelling six week tournament...and then being told that no, to really win the title and claim the Cup...you’re gonna have ta face... an American rock band

but I mean that only adds to it, ya know...especially with it being West Germany vs Italy...crazy..to think one a them would then go on to face the mighty VH

West Germany had Kraftwerk like we said, the whole Krautrock scene, cosmische mu-sik ya know...Italy’s got Giorgio Moroder..all that Italo-disco...I mean no wonder 1984 was so synth heavy

So I mean yeah, maybe reveal the plans to face Van Halen...ya know right before that match...get all the players pumped up, see what these teams are really made of...

I mean I’m not sure Van Halen plays soccer at all but any awkwardness on their part would be countered by the other team...not used to playing against a rock band


So I think it would be a good match, cause you’ve got Roth’s frontman antics, all those gymnastics and whatnot...Eddie should prolly have his guitar with ‘im and an amp, well the amp would be on the sideline, you can’t have it interferin’ with play...but he’s got like a wireless system and is just burnin people that way! takes control a the ball....Goal!..he’s on fire, like the song says...and no of course he can’t touch the ball with his guitar, I mean that’s an obvious handball...but the soundwaves comin’ outta it, that’s a whole different story...


now...I know that some would say..that the cover of Diver Down was like.. two red caarrrds ya know....as if the Halen boys were...taunting the opposition already...though Diver Down I mean, I don’t know if they’re suggesting getting a swimming pool involved...on the pitch...I mean probably not...or maybe they were like gonna dive off a diving board..down onta the fieeeeld ya know...and FIFA not having anything in the regulations about this would rule against it...though I mean to be fair the stadium would’ve had to put a diving board over the field at some point without drawing attention to it.....ruin the surprise.....almost impossible, ya know....so the Halens parlayed this idea into them...well, “them” in quotation marks...them parachuting into the US Festival a year later...ya know how four figures dove out of a plane with parachutes then as soon as they hit the stage the lights flashed and Van Halen ran out and started playin’...I mean it wasn’t them who jumped outta that plane, but it’s rock n roll ya know...maybe they would use that same sorta strategy against their opponent

like uh well..I mean that would be crazy if like due to their...their hubris..they just had like...just had Alex in goal for the first like ya know half..figured he would just shut down any attackers...and then Dave, Michael Anthony, and Eddie would parachute in at the beginning of the second half..make a dramatic entrance ya know...or maybe not half...maybe first 10, 20 minutes...they understand having to keep the crowd interested...or maybe that’s what they would do...maybe like like cause their 1982 set was so killer, opening up with Romeo Delight straight inta Unchained then third slot the Drum Solo...maybe they would come on for those first two tunes, then leave the field for Alex to do his thang, ya know, light his gong on fire...can you light a gong on fire in goal under FIFA regulations... and then they would parachute back in...well again, leaving the field prolly comes up against another official rule....maybe if they established such a lead and really how could you not openin up with Romeo Delight and Unchained...the three others could just take off leaving Alex to kick pedal away any shots on goal...and then when it was obvious they were definitely going to win, I’m sure parachuting back onta the field as a sort of victory lap would be fine...even if they were immediately sent off again...

though when it comes to putting on a show...you’d want them on the field as much as possible before they leave and then parachute back in...like launching into Loss A Control whenever they stole the ball...or Somebody Get Me A Doctor whenever someone claimed to be injured.. I’m not sayin any a that’s right, but I mean smacktalk is part of the game... as long as they don’t go inta D.O.A....but I mean on the positive side imagine Everybody Wants Some! whenever they scored a goal... how exciting can you get!

and let’s not forget that all this is to celebrate Cruyff...is he involved or he is just watching the whole proceedings, overcome by tears of joy?...I mean he could be suited up as an honorary member of Van Halen..but then like that sort of precedent..I mean the whole world would be after it...actually maybe it might make us better as human beings...what we need as motivation...knowing that that’s a possibility if you’re really really great at your job...you might get to be in Van Halen for a couple of hours...

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from Dekalaug 4: 4th & Ten, released August 19, 2020

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Young Southpaw Connecticut

"From the existential thread that ties Jean-Paul Sartre to Jon Bon Jovi, to the skinny on what’s floating in TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, and the possibility that Al Pacino is coaching boxing kangaroos in space, wise-fool Southpaw's ramblings lead listeners on a surreal journey through doors they didn't even know existed, into a highly original, deeply funny land of pop culture confusion." - popbollocks ... more

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